With a little help from my friends

It is a good week to be a queer feminist trying to breed with your lesbo lover in America!

Despite my anxiety on Tuesday night, an hour after I made my way to my friends’ house to watch the returns, CNN called the presidential election for President Obama. La, our buddies with the babies, and I all rejoiced (very quietly! the babies were sleeping!) and then watched as white rich people made sad faces at Romney headquarters and America confirmed to me that this is a place I am proud to call home!

Because aside from electing the clear choice of leaders, we also . . .elected a gay lady senator for the first time! didn’t elect the creepy republican dudes who think rape isn’t real/abortion is a bigger moral affront than sexual assault! passed marriage equality in 3 states and shot down inequality in one! elected more women to represent us than ever before!

Here in my homestate of Colorado, we passed the first ever non-medical marijuana law (Admittedly, something I would have been more excited about approximately 15 years ago) and we elected democratic majorities to both the house and the senate. This is particularly good news after the crazy ass shenanigans that got pulled last spring when Civil Unions legislation was up to pass with bipartisan support and the holier than thou douchebag speaker of the house McNulty pulled tricks so it couldn’t pass. With majorities, it is pretty much a done deal.

I can’t WAIT to have a shotgun civil union!!

The next week also starts our big week of plans beyond ourselves (since it will take a village to make this baby as well as raise it): we are having dinner with our BFF donor on Sunday to make sure we are all 100% cool with how things are gonna go down, and we have an appointment with our lawyer next Friday to sign a contract stating parental intent (ie: BFF donor gives it up and becomes Uncie BFF, La parents, etc.) There is a lot in all of this that is scary – because for the last year and a half, its just been a conversation with BFF donor – and while I don’t think he will back out or do anything crazy (cause he loves us and is actually on board with this idea) there is something really stark about seeing it laid out in legalese.

This is one of the biggest hurdles we face as a queer couple using a known donor. And believe me, we have heard ALL about what a “terrible” idea it is from every other gaymom in the world. Which makes it doubly hard, since many of the folks we know who have gone down this path are particularly judgey about how we are starting out our adventure.

The other option is, of course, to purchase anonymous sperm from a cryo bank. There are a lot of reasons this doesn’t appeal to us – first and foremost, it’s F’ing EXPENSIVE, ok? I really cannot believe that a teeny tiny amount of spunk – which is produced and discarded carelessly on a DAILY basis by men the world over – can cost you upwards of $500 a pop. That’s for ONE insemination. And, it doesn’t include shipping – which has to be overnight and in a big ass sperm-o-freezer so the stuff arrives as fresh as possible (but still frozen and therefore not as healthy as the warm oozy kind – was that too much?) PLUS you often can’t effectively home inseminate with frozen sperm and so have to go to a doctor to inseminate. This = BIG BUCKS.

For a non profit program manager and a theater professor, it = money we don’t have.

Beyond that, though, I really do want to know more about the person contributing half my kids DNA than what I can read on a bio sheet. I don’t want to guess as traits, mannerisms, or health issues. And, I want it to feels special and connected. I want the process to be as loving, intimate and beautiful as it can be.

BFF donor has been BFF’s with La for over 10 years. Before I even showed up, he was on the docket to be the donor to whatever babies she had, barring any vetoes from me. I adore him and am excited that he is up for this task. He genuinely doesn’t want to parent, but does want to have an investment in the kids we have. He’s patient, giving, kind, handsome, smart, funny, and has giant muscles. These are all qualities I would love to see in a kid I raise. He’s also willing to come jerk off in a cup for us and let us cook him dinner for payment.

But there are lots of queer folks out there who think what we are doing is risky. And, it is – but its a calculated risk. Its entirely possible (though unlikely) that BFF could decide sometime between the EPT and cutting the cord that he wants parental rights, and we would be in a pretty shitty situation. But the liklihood of that is small – because we know and trust BFF and we are doing leg work to ensure he has thought things through, and we have too. Its possible that doing it this way could complicate our relationship – except BFF is already such a special and unique friend, especially to La, and everyone involved is homo to the max, so that helps. I don’t see any of this as any more risky than putting ourselves into debt if we don’t have to.

And, we get to do this at our home, with little to no medical intervention, as many times a cycle as BFF can handle. I wish other gay mamas would see the value in doing it our way – even if its a choice they can’t/don’t want to make. The fact that we have to keep quiet or face judgement on this end makes it feel like an even lonelier process than it already does.

Which, side note: I think I may not be getting many responses to the posts I make on the Taking Charge of Your Fertility discussion board because I am so out in my signature. Fuck a bunch of heterosexism, ya know?

BUT – in great news, I found a super great blog by a seemingly very cool straight feminist and invited her to be friends who also happens to be the person who left a super awesome comment as another fat nerdy queer! Which means: the internetz CAN work for building alliances and friendships, even if tcoyf is a little on the homophobic side.

All I could think of this morning at my acupuncture appointment was: I am finally more excited than scared to bring a child into this world.

PS- no blood yet. what gives?!

One Comment

  1. Fat nerdy queer dropping the comment bomb, yo! ;-)I've been hanging out at TCOYF for almost a year and you're the first person I've come across that I've bothered to approach…and I totally did it *because* you were so out. I think I've seen maybe a small handful of other queers whilst reading the boards, and if there are more queer/feminist/nerdy people hanging out in the wilds of TCOYF, they keep themselves well-hidden. You're also the first person I've found in the Tribe Of The Charting who seems to have a real sense of humor. Which is awesome. And amazing.And for what it's worth, I see all kinds of merit in the way you and La are choosing to go about the whole sperminating thing. My ex-wife and I, the handful of times we talked about babymaking (which neither of us were super interested in; we both felt like we were too young at the time) we agreed that we wanted to do it in a very similar way. We didn't have much money either, and I bristled at the idea that conception is free and sacrosanct for hetero couples while lesbian couples are expected to use all these unnecessary medical interventions just to get pregnant—and no reproductive endocrinology, either; just the basic sperm shot! I liked the idea of knowing the bio-dad and having immediate access to things like health history. Even purchased sperm carries the risk of donors who want to get involved once the kids are of adult age (The Kids Are Alright, anyone?). There are always risks involved in any method.


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