Reasoned and Rational

Yesterday during lunch I went for a walk and spent most of the time thinking about making babies. This isn’t a shock. Most of my unoccupied thought time, and some of my otherwise occupied thought time, is taken up with baby making details. I’d like to think that I am a more reasoned and rational baby-obsessed lady, but I know myself well enough to know I usually think I’m more reasoned and rational even when I’m not.

It occured to me that blogging about my baby making thoughts might be productive for me – if an otherwise complete waste of internet. My partner, who I shall call La (because, side note, DP for “dear partner” makes me retch a little) is more on the nervous-excited end of the spectrum, and generally prefers not to plan and schedule and process detail. Planning, scheduling, listing and processing detail are some of my many type A influenced coping mechanisms.

 In this, we are not necessarily perfectly matched.

So the charting, temping, reading, discussion board research, herbal knowledge and lore, legalese makes her feel crazy and overwhelmed – I need it. And because I also need her to stay relatively comfortable with the idea of having a baby in the next little bit, its important for me to find an outlet. I’m hoping that once we do some additional processing about how we are approaching this whole adventure, La might decide to weigh in here once and a while. Until then, I will be the primary poster – and I’ll let her choose if, when and what she wants to read here.

Do I sound like a creep? I promise, I’m not going to be spilling secrets here that La doesn’t know about. If you’re worried that you know me/us and you’ll know shit she doesn’t, please rest assured. La and I are process-core and I have a compulsion towards stark honesty in her presence. In this, we are exceptionally well matched.

So mostly, this is for me. A place to put the stuff I learn, to complain about the heterosexism of the damned fertility message boards, consider all the angles of this business – you know, the usual pre-conception litany. And if you’re a queer who’s trying to make a baby too, maybe this will be helpful. Or maybe you’ll judge me and feel better about the way you’re doing it – that’s cool too, just don’t be an asshole in the comments ok? Or maybe you’re a straight lady who wants to get a different perspective, or maybe you just like reading gay baby making blogs? I don’t know. I’m talking to a hypothetical and possibly only theoretical audience, and I’m ok with that. That’s the point.

I’m also a somewhat obsessive chronologist. I like to record mundane details and have them to look back on. Mostly because you just never know what might end up being significant somewhere down the line. I like the idea that maybe in a year or two I can look back and shake my head or shrug my shoulders, or be able to add stuff to a baby book or weep over some stupid detail I obsessed about or . . .whatever.

Before this gets too cumbersome, I wanted to track a few of the fun things in the process for today, November 2, 2012:
1) First fertility acupuncture appointment with the fabulous gay acupuncturist who helped me deal with ym PTSD from a previous shitty relationship AND stop smoking almost two years ago. I LOVE her! I do think I may have fallen asleep and snored a little in the community room which is awkward, but whatever.

2) Ordered “Making Babies: A Proven Three Month Program for Maximum Fertility.” I’m not too into books that promise results because usually that is a recipe for self hate when they don’t, but I’m also really invested in making healthy life style changes that are NOT motivated by losing weight. Having a baby seems like a healthier target. Also, this shit is too pricey already to have to delve into anything beyond spermies in a cup and a needleless syringe, amiright? So, I’m going to try my best to make my body into a baby temple so we can save our $$ for when the kid arrives.

3) Am close to finishing charting my first cycle. Its been more anxiety producing than I would have guessed. I had a wakadoodle cycle last time ( a 36 day cycle as opposed to my usual 29 days) and this freaked me out more than it should have. But, I think I’ve been looking for problems in my charting since then, which is not the best thing to be doing. That said, I’m really glad to be almost done, because I’m feeling clearer on the process and how to understand it. And, I have a revised plan going forward to get more info, so that’s awesome. My last little bit of anxiety is around my luteal phase length. According to my temperature charting, I ovulated on day 20, which is kinda late if my cycle goes back to the usual 29 days. So, now I wait for the blood to flow to get my last bit of information, and to get to start a new month with a new plan.

Yeah gayby blogging!