At 12:19pm, mountain time, one of my colleagues delivered her 6lb9oz baby girl, who is nicknamed Lou (which I tell you because I LOVE it) Lou is the first of what will end up being a virtual landslide of babies to come in the next few months. After Lou, there is the baby that is just about done cooking in my boss’ belly, the babies from La’s cousins, due just two days apart in March, my friend H’s baby due in April, my new niece or nephew in July and my cousin’s baby, also due in July. I may have missed one or two as well . . .that’s how many babies are coming.
Of course, I’m hoping that all of these pregnancy hormones swarming around me will give me a good shot come the end of january/beginning of February when we give it a go. But I’m also just genuinely so excited to have so many babies in my world.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the babyless trying/wanting baby jealousy that I think comes up a lot – at least, I see and hear about it a lot on the boards I’m a part of and in the conversations I have. My cousin, for example, was in tears (reportedly) when my brother and sister in law announced their pregnancy. They had a miscarriage in September and, I assume, had been trying before and since. Some friends of a friend have been trying (with a known donor at home) for over a year now, I think – they too had a miscarriage at the end of the summer – which seems just insufferably long. And there are countless others who I don’t know who hate that they feel jealous, even though they do. Its sort of a part of this process, I think . . .especially when it ends up not being easy – or just isn’t easy from the start.
Right now, I’m not jealous – I’m overjoyed. I can’t think of anything better than having babies to love and cuddle, and, with any luck, having so many peers for the baby we hope to have. And while I’m not, in general, a jealous person (learned or natural, I don’t know; but I certainly honed my skills when I was in a long term non-monogamous relationship) I can imagine beginning to feel the burn if this process ends up going longer than we expect. I already have a bit of that hole-in-the-heart longing, although that tends to crop up most often in target in the diaper aisle, that I think can make me blind to the bigger picture. I’m scared of getting jealous – because I don’t think anyone *wants* to resent their friends and family for something so wonderful as a baby – but its also a human fallability to feel jealous when someone has something we want so much for ourselves – especially when we can’t get that thing through no fault of our own.
Tomorrow La and I go for our first couples counseling appointment. I’ve never been to a couple’s counselor before, so I’m nervous and excited. I’m glad that La and I are going now, when things are still so awesome between us and in our feelings about this adventure. Having babies is a big and super scary thing, and I love that I am married to a woman who believes as much as I do in the power of prevention. There is both hope and trepedation here.
Friday I go see the OB/GYN. I’m a little more nervous about this appointment. To start, I don’t have a real ‘reason’ for going – I’m going to frame it as a ‘pre-conception’ appointment. I made the appointment after AwkMD gave us a referral when she couldn’t sign the paperwork. I decided to keep the appointment even when that got taken care of because I’d rather have *some* sort of established relationship when I make a call to get a confirmatory pregnancy test. But going to doctors is always nerve racking for me, even more when it comes to this stuff. I just don’t have any trust that a medical practitioner isn’t going to make assumptions about me and my life based on my body. And as outspoken as I am about fat acceptance in so many other areas of my life, in a doctors office there is a lifetime of shame that comes with me.
I’m hoping to bring a really wonderful experience with me. Yesterday, a yoga teacher who I took a class from last year left me a link to a blog entry she’d written. It included this passage:
There was this beautiful girl in my Body Acceptance yoga classes, let’s call her Mandy. She’d come to class, and laugh and sweat and move and I liked her. One day during class I walked over to adjust a posse, and I caught a glance of one of her tattoos. It simply said fat, in a cool, bold, typewriter-ish font. In that little nugget of a moment, she was my new hero, and that was just the beginning of the unraveling of “Fat Acceptance”
That’s my tattoo. I got it years ago, when I hardly even qualified as “fat” by many standards. It was heartwarming that I gave this women some support in loving herself – even if I didn’t know it then. What meant more to me was being seen as a person in a fat body who sweats and laughs and moves in the world in a joyful way. So often I think fat people are seen as sub human blobs living out pitiable existences in the world. Shit, sometimes that’s how I think of myself – in less than loving moments. But I’m not that. I am a yoga enthusiast, a runner, a dancer, and I live in my big beautiful body with joy and love and humor – most of the time. I’m very grateful that I was seen in that context.
Many milestones this week . . .even if it isn’t the one I was most looking forward to. The requisite cycle update is this: I definitely ovulated on Jan 4th, which was CD18. I got + OPKs on Tuesday and Wednesday (CD16 and CD17) and a sustained temp rise beginning on Jan 5 (CD19) This is all MUCH more in synch with a more ‘typical’ cycle for me. I’m hoping that I will have a luteal phase of at least 12 days (going for 14 this time around, with the addition of a B complex and B6 supplement) putting menstruation at 1/17-1/19, and, with another ovulation on CD18-20, the insemination process would likely be 1/30-2/3, since we are aiming for 3-4 days of insemination.
Which could mean a home pregnancy test (with reliable results) on 2/14. Now, just as a caveat, I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day. I am a religious scholar (by training) and I think what modern american society has done to this otherwise kind of bloody Saints day is really weird, which is why I was super resistant to doing anything for the holiday back in Feb 2009 when La and I were just barely dating. La, though, is a tried and true romantic. Which is why we ended up having a very schmaltzy date and deciding to be girlfriends (I call it the DTR or “define the relationship” talk) that night.
Dudes, what I’m saying is: if we DO have a one hit wonder and the dates DO line up, La and I could find out we are having a wee one 4 years after we decided we were an item! Or, we could be wicked disappointed . . .whatever.
But, in any case . . .I may just be grateful for the profusion of chocolate and an excuse to spend some extra time with my boo, for one reason or another.