I started drip-drop-spotting last night and woke up to full on gush this morning which means . . .we are officially in TTC Cycle #1! As, perhaps, a very special gift from my uterus to me to kick this whole process off, I have the worst cramps I’ve had in YEARS. I used to have very painful periods (that also involved intense bouts of depression) but the last couple of years they have really chilled out and been entirely manageable. This morning I could barely get out of bed without feeling like I was going to puke from the pain. I keep reminding myself that if we are lucky, this could be the last period I have for a year or more . . .but then I get another ass-kicking cramp and my uterus is all “ha ha F you!”
This past cycle was 32 days, with ovulation on day 18 (or 19 – Fertility Friend and I are in disagreement) and a 14 (or 13) day luteal phase. This is awesome! I am crediting the B6 and B-Complex I started taking in early December for lengthening my luteal phase, since I didn’t do anything else different this time around.
If things go as they have been, we will do our first insemination on Friday Feb 1st and continue until the 5th or 6th. Because BFF is awesome and will come over many time so long as we feed him well and let him choose what to watch on TV.
I got some instead cups for the inseminations and decided to practice using them during this menstrual cycle. They are shockingly easy to use and by far the most comfortable period protection I’ve ever used. I was a big fan of the Diva cup until my spaniel ate it for lunch (cause dogs are wonderful but totally gross) and before that, in my college radical lesbo days, I used sea sponges which were awesome but could leak when you sneezed. This is kind of the best of those things. So, go get you some is my advice.
La talked to our friend (who had a super hard time conceiving with her male partner and ended up having IVF with donor sperm) yesterday about baby making stuff. Our friend asked if La had considered how she was going to handle it if we didn’t get pregnant this first time around. La said, “No. Because we are going to get pregnant this time.” She’s is super confident but also not cocky about it, which is strange but also nice. I have tried to remind her that statistically speaking, its not likely it will work on the first go, but La thinks statistics are bullshit or at least not really helpful. It scares me a little that she is so sure, but I also trust that her certainty is not going to translate into devestation if things don’t happen this go. She is really just focused on this cycle and being positive and present and figure that if and when a negative test happens, she can figure out how to feel then.
I’m less certain that we will get knocked up right away, but I also haven’t thought about how I’ll feel if it doesn’t work. I suppose, right now, the whole thing is a big experiment and the first time around just feels like practice almost. If beginners luck hits us this time, it will be awesome – and if the more likely outcome happens, then we will be that much more experienced the next time around.
That said, a baby conceived in this cycle would be born smack dab between my birthday and La’s this coming fall. And that sure would be sweet.
How do you balance the need to be positive and confident and overtrusting that optimism and getting crushed? What is the sought after middle path of trying to conceive?