The eternal wait

I’m not really sure what’s happening, but I feel like some sort of explanation is needed. For myself, more than anything . . .and because all of you have been so kind and I have maybe been a drama queen and I don’t want to take advantage of that kindness.

So here’s the latest:

After a hellish week at work (I LOVE my job, FYI, but I don’t like doing anything for 60 hours a week, into the wee hours of the night) and exhaustion from waiting and waiting and trying to get information, I had a particularly pitiful call with a nurse from my doctor’s office on Friday afternoon.

I’m lucky that I live in a pretty queer friendly world. My job, my family, and even my old timey neighborhood are all safe places for me to be out, and I am mostly met with a pretty high level of analysis and understanding about LGBTQ issues. And while my OB/GYN are certainly OK with queer stuff, they are also not very culturally informed – or, at least, not my doc and her nurses. Thus, my phone calls are usually infused with not only having to come out (over and over, everytime a new nurse calls) but also explain exactly what that means insofar as trying to get knocked up goes. I suppose the fact that we are going about this in a less than usual ‘artifical insemination’ fashion also makes things complicated.

So, while I am generally grateful that we have the ability to do this thing in a not-so-medicalized way, I am also longing to have a professional medical place that is somewhat cognizant of how our journey to conceive is unique from so many others. And I am especially tired of both explaining in depth everything I can and being patently ignored.

Reaching out for support from the medical profession has proved decidedly unfruitful. So I just keep tracking and temperature taking and peeing on sticks, hoping some sort of pattern will eventually emerge. As done as I have felt with looking at my cervical fluid (because it may very well mean nothing, and its hard to care when there is no discernable goal lurking ahead) I have kept doing it.

On Saturday morning,  stuck my fingers on up there and pulled out strands of clear slippery stuff. And I thought, “huh.” I looked at it so long that La half yelled “quit playing with your cervical fluid, I have to pee.” It was unusual, but nothing about the last few weeks has been usual.

Saturday afternoon, I came home from some errands and did my daily pee stick ritual. I have taken to peeing on both the ClearBlue easy smiley face digital OPKs and the cheap internet wondfo’s because the cost of procured OPKs is worth having some sort of peace of mind. Even after the eggwhite cervical fluid, I wasn’t expecting anything. I happened to look down in the middle of cleaning my contact lenses and saw that big stupid grinning smiley face. And I thought, WTF? The wondfo was dark, not my usual positive, but dark enough to be considered a positive by internet OPK standards.

Apparently, my LH was surging.

I sent a text to both La and BFF and said, in effect, “um, sorry I have had no f’ing idea what is happening with my body but I think I’m ovulating? So maybe you can bring the swim team over tonight?” La called and was all like “um, what?!” and BFF sent back “Of course! I love you both!” And so, on Saturday night, we did our 6th insemination total, our first for this . . .uh . . .whatever it is.

Yesterday, even more eggwhite showed up, along with another smiley face (this is likely only because I had opened a new box of them) and an incredibly dark wondfo. Cue insemination #2.

And now, we wait. I wait to see if I get some sort of temperature rise (again?) to see what happens with my cervical fluid and the OPKs, to see if my period shows up . . .ever again, if a pregnancy test comes back positive. I’m not even sure what I am waiting for anymore. And that is oddly comforting.

I’m trying to retrace my data, look back at my chart, and figure out what’s going on. The first temperature shift was less significant than usual – although it was still there *and* corresponded to other fertility signs. The OPKs were never as clearly positive in February. All that cramping. All the nausea. The fact that this fertile patch is coming 28 days after the first . . .eerily ‘on time’ if I had gotten a period.

My best guess is that a cyst impeded ovulation, and this is my body’s second go at it. I certainly hope its an anomaly, anyway. Otherwise, I am currently on day 45, with ovulation likely to happen today – and that is a mighty long cycle, and probably not a good sign.

So . . .so. I wait. Like always. But now with no clear end in sight. A blessing and a curse.


3 thoughts on “The eternal wait

  1. What in the world? What a mess! I hate that your obgyn office is not helpful. That was a HUGE problem for me and my wife as well-we’ve changed offices like 3 times to find one that was in-the-know about our lifestyle and it was very frustrating! I hope you get some answers soon.

  2. I’m sorry you have to keep coming out to the medical staff. It would be nice if you could just have a big ol’ neon sticker on the front of our file with a quick explanation. I still have to field the “would you like to talk about birth control options for after the baby is born” stupid questions. What about I’m a single lesbian makes them think I need birth control? Ugh, whatever…

    As for this odd ovulation timing, I hope something comes of it! Very awesome that you were able to do some insems. Any chance any medicines you might be on could effect ovulation or the hormones that cause it? I know some can mimic the LH surge. Also, sometimes an opk will show up as positive when it’s really a pregnancy test you should be taking… Go pee on one of those just in case!

  3. I have confounded my doctors regularly throughout my life. While I was with my ex-partner, I often had to remind them at pap time that my domestic partner was a woman (and they always asked the questions about monogamy/multiple sex partners before getting to the birth control part, where I’d casually say that no, I wasn’t using any birth control, and they’d be all horrified and ask if I was trying to get pregnant, perhaps thinking it was time for the birds & bees lecture…and then I’d have to do the ‘no, I’m still with the same woman, check your records’ song and dance). Then that relationship ended, and to their credit they remembered that I had a female partner, and so became very confused when I was dating men and came in looking to get some birth control. Just when they got used to me having male partners, I had a girlfriend for awhile. And then I got married. To a man. So I’m just a problem child all around.

    But yeah, I feel you. It took them something like four years to get to the point where they remembered that I had a female domestic partner. If J. and I had tried to make babies while we were together it likely would’ve been a heterocentric nightmare.

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