Green Eyed

I don’t get jealous.

Ok, that’s bullshit. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, but I really feel like its not one of my usual ‘go to’ emotions. I was in a very long term non-monogamous relationship and it really didn’t phase me when my girlfriend hung out with her boyfriend or the other girl she was sleeping with – it just wasn’t that big a deal to me. In the world beyond love and sex, I also don’t often feel ‘jealous.’ I have a lot of awesome in my life and I generally think everyone deserves awesome and its not a big deal when the awesome gets spread thick and with much diversity.

But today I’m feeling a little jealous.

My very best best friend, the dude who has been consistently amazing since we were 14 and became buddies, who was my Man of Honor and has seen me through more bullshit than I’d care to acknowledge, is a papa now. His daughter, Eleanor, was born yesterday. I am ecstatic. He is going to be an amazing father and even though he is far away, I am sure I will still get some quality time with this gorgeous baby.

Another very close friend is, today, full term. Her baby is due on our first wedding anniversary, just about three weeks off.

My sister-in-law is entering her third trimester and is starting to really show. My nephew will be here any minute. My cousin is due the same day.

I am very excited to have all of these wonderful babies showing up in my life, because I generally believe the more babies the better. And . . .and I am also sad that I am not pregnant. And while I know those two things can and do co-exist without having to mean anything to each other, right now I’m having a hell of a time piecing that out. Today I am just sad for myself, and the joy for everyone else is a little bit harder to see.

In my rational brain, I know that we’ve only tried twice . . .and both of those tries were probably somewhat doomed because of the way the Great Cycle of January-March 2013 played out, and that it can take quite a while for this whole magical thing to happen even in the best of circumstances. I *know* that. I also feel fairly certain that once we do get pregnant, this time will barely register on the great timeline of life. Soon there will be babies all over and mine will be one of them.

But today I’m disappointed. Today I am sad. Today it is hard to be excited for everyone else because I only want to be excited for myself.

I hate that I feel jealous, and I hate that I feel sorry for myself. I abhor selfishness and this is the very worst kind. But I’m also trying to follow the sage advice I’ve been getting about all of this, which is to let myself feel however I’m going to feel. To acknowledge it and then move past it. So, here I am . . .feeling all of these damned feelings.



5 thoughts on “Green Eyed

  1. I think it’s pretty common to feel jealous– I know that I felt incredibly jealous. I felt jealous not onlly of the 10000 pregnant people around here, but also of other TTC bloggers who got knocked up first. It wasn’t pretty, but it was genuine.

    And, of course, soon others will be jealous of you.

  2. I completely understand how you feel. It is a terrible feeling to want something so terribly badly while everyone else around you seems to be living your dream. I relate to that feeling more than I would like to admit. The feeling will pass and you will be that person people are jealous of soon. Stay positive and know that we are pulling for you!

  3. This may be the most universal experience women TTC feel. I used to pride myself in not being jealous and then it reared it’s ugly head during this journey. (see my posts “on call” and “veruca has left the building”) I felt so bad for feeling so “ugly” towards my own friends but it is indeed natural and once my feelings calmed down I could enjoy their babies and was determined more than ever to make my own family. Your time is coming 🙂

  4. It’s hard when you are like “Damn it! I am feeling those feelings! No, not me! Ugh” You are not saying you are not human but you are pretty sure this is just so unlike YOU. You work hard to practice insight and appreciation that helps separate you from this and then it happens. Kind of what you touched on, the more babies the better… I hope all these babies are just a sign of the pull you are creating in your universe to bring this amazing thing right to you : )

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