Transmissions from the Field

Fertility Friend and I agree that today I am 6DPO. Other than a horrific stomach-something-or-other that made yesterday a comedy of painful errors and the beginning of a cold passed along to me by my dear wife, I am feeling very good. I mean, of course I am. Even supposing a little cluster of constantly expanding cells IS somewhere in my fallopian tube/urterus, it hasn’t implanted or started causing chaos yet.

My good friend had her baby on Saturday – another big gayby welcome to Marlow! The pictures that have already showed up prove what I always thought, that my friends are going to be totally smitten, absolutely brilliant parents. And the wave of babies keeps crashing in! (Another welcome to Baby E over at The Falco Project who looks like a chubby little doll!)

So Marlow is here, and I just got a dropbox file of photos of my BFFs baby, and despite the spring snowstorm that Colorado sprung on us, it is decidedly the time of the year when things start springing to life.

And here I am sad and sobby. Not jealous this time, just weepy over what I hope will be but am terrified will not. This wait has been harder than the last few, just emotionally draining. I am not nearly as obsessed with tracking every gas bubble and tummy rumble, but I am acutely aware of the deep feeling of longing. Of the heart-soreness of wanting something and simply not having the control to make it happen. Desire is such a difficult part of being human. Hope is not always roses and sunshine; sometimes you only feel the edges where it starts to bleed into grief, where desire meets despair and makes you one hell of a volatile cocktail.

I am grateful for this space, for the people who read this and maybe understand and maybe even say something kind. There aren’t so many people who know what we are doing, and those who do are tired of hearing about the details. I don’t begrudge them that; we’ve been talking about it so long. Besides, anonymous public feelings are the most satisfying, right?

Its so hard to feel like this isn’t fair. Its not fair! This has been my rallying cry for as long as I can remember – to my parents, to the world. Its not fair. And its not. This isn’t, and so many other things aren’t either. I’m really good at coming up with strategies to make the world more fair. But there isn’t a damn thing to make this one more fair. It just is. Some people get pregnant right away, without trying. Sometimes people we judge as not ‘good parents’ get pregnant easily. Sometimes people who are so good are never able to have a baby. And sometimes the good people have babies and the bad ones don’t. Its far more complicated than we would like to admit, but its never, ever just ‘fair.’ No matter who you are this, like so much in life, just really isn’t fair.

Thank you all for letting me feel my feelings . . .and for reading about them, too. One week down, one more to go.



7 thoughts on “Transmissions from the Field

  1. Ooo girl I feel ya! A co-worker that “wasn’t even trying” just told me she was preggars as she puffed on an electronic cigarette-I tried to smile but inside I was fuming…it isn’t fair. I’m stomping my feet in unison with you 😉

  2. That place where hope meets despair is really what makes all of this so hard. In truth, if you’re pregnant now, you’ll likely look back in a couple of months and comment on how lucky you were that it worked on the third try… on how lucky you were that it happened so quickly. I say this, because having gotten pregnant in our fifth month of trying, I feel grateful that it was so fast and (relatively) simple. BUT, at the time, I didn’t feel that way at all. I felt jealous of others, afraid of my own body’s shortcomings, desperate to know an unknowable timeline. Those sorts of emotions are unavoidable, from what I can tell, but aired perfectly as anonymous public feelings.

    Thinking of you and hoping that this is your month.

  3. Oh, yes. This. This getting pregnant thing is a total and complete crapshoot. There’s so much of it that’s just about luck. And it’s incredibly hard to want something so much and to simultaneously have so little control over whether it happens or not.
    Hang in there! You will get there–you guys will find a way to be parents. And it will quite possibly happen very soon.

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