Fertility Friend and I agree that today I am 6DPO. Other than a horrific stomach-something-or-other that made yesterday a comedy of painful errors and the beginning of a cold passed along to me by my dear wife, I am feeling very good. I mean, of course I am. Even supposing a little cluster of constantly expanding cells IS somewhere in my fallopian tube/urterus, it hasn’t implanted or started causing chaos yet.
My good friend had her baby on Saturday – another big gayby welcome to Marlow! The pictures that have already showed up prove what I always thought, that my friends are going to be totally smitten, absolutely brilliant parents. And the wave of babies keeps crashing in! (Another welcome to Baby E over at The Falco Project who looks like a chubby little doll!)
So Marlow is here, and I just got a dropbox file of photos of my BFFs baby, and despite the spring snowstorm that Colorado sprung on us, it is decidedly the time of the year when things start springing to life.
And here I am sad and sobby. Not jealous this time, just weepy over what I hope will be but am terrified will not. This wait has been harder than the last few, just emotionally draining. I am not nearly as obsessed with tracking every gas bubble and tummy rumble, but I am acutely aware of the deep feeling of longing. Of the heart-soreness of wanting something and simply not having the control to make it happen. Desire is such a difficult part of being human. Hope is not always roses and sunshine; sometimes you only feel the edges where it starts to bleed into grief, where desire meets despair and makes you one hell of a volatile cocktail.
I am grateful for this space, for the people who read this and maybe understand and maybe even say something kind. There aren’t so many people who know what we are doing, and those who do are tired of hearing about the details. I don’t begrudge them that; we’ve been talking about it so long. Besides, anonymous public feelings are the most satisfying, right?
Its so hard to feel like this isn’t fair. Its not fair! This has been my rallying cry for as long as I can remember – to my parents, to the world. Its not fair. And its not. This isn’t, and so many other things aren’t either. I’m really good at coming up with strategies to make the world more fair. But there isn’t a damn thing to make this one more fair. It just is. Some people get pregnant right away, without trying. Sometimes people we judge as not ‘good parents’ get pregnant easily. Sometimes people who are so good are never able to have a baby. And sometimes the good people have babies and the bad ones don’t. Its far more complicated than we would like to admit, but its never, ever just ‘fair.’ No matter who you are this, like so much in life, just really isn’t fair.
Thank you all for letting me feel my feelings . . .and for reading about them, too. One week down, one more to go.