Holding out

I was planning not to post until after a full 14+ days had elapsed since ovulation. Why? Well, because there is nothing more obnoxious than listening to me try and spot symptoms when you and I both know that there are hardly ever symptoms to spot before an HPT is accurate. And now that I am becoming a somewhat old hat at this two week wait business, I’m so over telling anyone what’s going on with my ladybits in hope that they can magically predict what will become decidedly apparent in a few short (loooooong) days.

So, back up.
This past Monday I left Denver for Oakland, to participate in a training of trainers on a bad ass sexual health program called FLASH. As I may have mentioned, this made me nervous. Although maybe it shouldn’t. As it turns out, my bag never made it on the flight to Oakland, so I spent the first day wandering around Jack London square feeling sorry for myself and deciding if it was worth the BART ride out to target to get clean underwear or if I should just hold out for my bag. I are some BBQ and I enjoyed the magically Luke warm Bay Area weather and then I bought a toothbrush and went to bed. The next few days went quickly – full days of great training and dinner with colleagues and then with some friends who have moved to the bay.
Today was another day of training but this time it dragged. And now I’ve been sitting at the airport waiting for a flight ( my first was so delayed that I would have missed my connecting flight, so I was transferred to a later direct flight) and basically freaking out.

Today is 12DPO. For the last three tries, we have tested on this day, as the earliest day to get a pretty reliable result. This go around I decided I wanted to wait until the day my period was supposed to start, which is Sunday. I am quickly losing my resolve.

I have felt shockingly calm during this wait. I’ve also felt hopeful. I’m sure this is because we did new and different things and god knows how badly I want to be responsible for accomplishing this thing, even though I can’t be. Regardless, I’ve been hopeful. And it’s been really nice.

Today, I stuck my finger in my vag to check my cervical fluid and pulled out creamy type stuff tinged pink. To be clear, I rarely spot, although it has been known to happen. It’s usually really brown when it does, and it’s rare, like I said. So initially, I thought “maybe this is good news!”

However, subsequent trips to the loo have found me anxiously checking my fluid over and over and losing a little hope each time. And now, of course, I am feeling things that don’t feel hopeful – maybe some cramps, maybe some constipation, maybe feeling like I want to sob in the middle of terminal 1 because I’m so sad at how many babies there are everywhere and I have no ability to filter my feelings.

So now I don’t know if I can hold out. On the one hand, if I’m grasping at straws and this is “implantation bleeding” or some such nonsense, then tomorrow probably isn’t early enough to get a positive, right? On the other, omg I kind of need to have something substantial to hold on to right now and I don’t know if I can hold out. I figure I will have some clue tomorrow morning based on my temperature, which has always dropped the day before I bleed, in the year I have been tracking. If it doesn’t drop, I’m doing it. I’m peeing on a fucking stick.

I will happily take whatever advice, posi woo or general words of wisdom you have to impart. Sill hoping the fourth will be with us.