One Down

Yesterday I was sitting in a meeting and my breasts were throbbing. As much as I have tried to stop paying attention to the minutia of my body, I couldn’t help from noticing the throbbing. And I got excited. Because that’s what we do, right? Look for throbbing breasts or extreme fatigue or maybe a touch of dizzy nausea and pray they will become worse or couple up with something else. Anything to tell me what I want to know without having to ask the question.

I came home and told La. She said, “isn’t it early?” Because my breasts always ache, but maybe this time they ached before they usually ache, or worse than they usually ache. But no. It was cycle day 24 and, if my prior record keeping is to be trusted, they always start hurting on cycle day 24. But maybe it was worse? More intense? Different?!

The truth is, I don’t know. The barometer of human feelings – never a very reliable instrument – has become increasingly fallible over the last 6 months. I’m not saying the throbbing *isn’t* different, I’m just not saying it is either. Because I honestly don’t know. I remember thinking, in the airport, at the tail end of the last wait, that my boobs hurt more than usual. But the thought is the only thing concrete. I can’t conjure up the feeling now. I can’t say with any accuracy that they actually hurt worse than the month before because the month before I was willing them to hurt too.

The reality that you just can’t know until you know just keeps crashing down on my head.

I said to La last night, when we were discussing when to take a test, that I just wanted *something* clear to happen this weekend so I would know without knowing. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to – right? Its the same feeling that drives me to wait to the very last minute to take a pregnancy test. The same feeling that kept me from asking an ex girlfriend if she was cheating on me. Sometimes the world we make up is better than the one we know exists.

This wait has not been anxious. I’ve had a lot of feelings, sure. Just not anxiety. A few days after ovulation, I had a crystal clear dream of having a girl baby and naming her Dorothy. And that dream’s sweetness bouyed me with a feeling of just KNOWING this time worked, even though I also knew that was impossible to know. That lasted a few days before I resumed my general see-sawing and symptom spotting. One week down, one to go. Sometimes my calm is one of resignation. Sometimes it is one of serenity. Sometimes it is one of impossible knowing.

In the hope column for today: I almost fainted in the copy room an hour ago – had to catch myself on the table and squat down till my knees regained form and the dots dissipated. Since then I’ve felt near-nauseous. Not quite sick, just not quite well either.

Then again, it could just be allergies.


9 thoughts on “One Down

  1. Argh the TWW is such a mindf@#k! It would be good if you could put your symptoms into a computer program (that somehow measures exactly how sore your breasts are), then calculates it all and tells you if they are indeed unusually sore for that day of the cycle lol.

    • Could you please please invent such a thing? The only way I can measure is what ‘thing’ evokes the pain. Today it is “brushing my thumb along my breast with very little pressure.” I think usually it is ‘poking gently with index finger’ so maybe that’s hopeful?

      In other news, I miss hearing from you and just went to check to make sure I hadn’t accidentally missed an entry. I hope you are doing well despite the lack of donor in the country. argh. I don’t know what the process for publicly funded IVF is (since such a thing would never, ever exist here in the good ol’ USA) but I imagine it might be slow.
      In any case, I hope you are well. ❤

  2. I once read in somebody’s blog (I can’t remember whose) that they wished that they could just have a little window in front of their uterus to peer into whenever they wanted. I still think about this, and even now occassionally wish that I had one.

    Unfortunately, the TWW is a TWW and not a OWW (one week wait… it can be a pain). There’s no way to know until you know. But hope goes a long way. As does near fainting.

    Good luck!

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