Lists of Longing

Wait number five has come to an end.

Same story, different month.

Friday night I checked my cervical fluid and saw some pinkish spotting. Since that happened last month too, it immediately crushed me. La told me to stop sticking my fingers in my vagina and keep hoping.

Saturday I started getting brownish colored discharge without  any decided effort to check things. That +  dropping my phone in the toilet + friends leaving our BBQ and Performance Salon to go to a dumb club + PMS big feelings = a pretty shitty day all around.

Yesterday the brown continued and I started getting cramps and I took a pregnancy test anyway because why the fuck not, you know? It was negative, in case you were wondering. 

This morning there still wasn’t actual blood flow and I had the tiniest bit of hope creep into my heart in the shower. La and I decided that if I hadn’t started bleeding by the evening we would take another HPT. Like magic words, my uterus produced and I started bleeding less than an hour later. 

I can’t really handle narrative right now. So here is a list.

  • I am grateful for our friend A who talked to us and cried with us and yelled with us on Saturday night about her experiences and our experiences and the way this shit gets in deep with how we are raised to be women.
  • I am overall heartbroken and feeling exhausted by this process. I also cannot imagine stopping.
  • I’m angry. I’m jealous. I don’t feel like these things are rational, but they are true for me in this moment.
  • I am excited to go to Cancun next week and lay on a beach with my baby and soak up sun and eat delicious food and drink cold drinks.
  • We are going to see the OB-GYN on July 2nd. I am both terrified and excited about this.
  • We just keep going. We try to figure out how this can not take up so much space in our lives while still holding onto hope.
  • I still believe that a year from now, I will have a baby. I am letting this co-exist with the many other layers that seem in contridiction.

 

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7 thoughts on “Lists of Longing

  1. So sorry that this wasn’t the one. This stuff is so hard, especially when the process drags on. As you describe, it’s helpful to try to keep this from taking over one’s life but also really hard to do since having/not having a baby is kind of a big deal….
    I definitely remember that feeling of being stuck–the TTC process really sucks and I wanted so much to not be doing it. But at the same time I couldn’t imagine not continuing to try.
    I hope the OB has lots of good information for you.

  2. This whole waiting and being disappointed thing is awful. I hope that was the last time. Also, I also go around using my finger like a cervical mucous dipstick. So glad I’m not the only one!

  3. Aww sorry! But don’t give in yet ladies! You are at least in the minimalist end of TTC-you have soooooooo many more options if this isn’t the path you choose to take next time. You may be down but certainly not out! It is exhausting while you’re in it but the outcome is so worth it. Enjoy Mexico and get reenergized! I think you’ll have a baby by next year too ❤

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