All that we let in

Today I am unbearably cranky, bitter, anxious, sad. I both have no good reason and very good reasons to feel this way. In any case, I don’t like that I feel this way. I do have a sneaking suspicion  very clear idea that my malaise is being amplified by having forgot my celexa at home while I was in South Carolina and therefore being a few days short of having the proper amount floating around in my system. 

The thing that should be keeping me afloat is this:


(in case you don’t know, that’s me standing between Emily Saliers and Amy Ray (!!!!!) of The Indigo Girls.)

I get that not every dyke loves The Indigo Girls and that I am totally admitting what a cliche I am but you guys, I am *touching Amy Ray* in this photo. I’ve had a crush on her since before I even knew I was gay. When I listen to her voice funny things happen to my stomach. And I got to awkwardly introduce myself to her and she said I had beautiful tattoos!!!!

When I look at that picture I definitely feel less cranky. 

But I still feel hella cranky.

Last night, right before the show, La’s shitty brother (ShitBro) called and was, not surprisingly, shitty. La also has an awesome brother (Awebro) who’s wife was a little weird a while back, but they should not be confused. Shitbro has twin kiddos, age 7, who have met me and generally seem clueless about why I show up at their family’s Christmas celebration every year. Shitbro and his wife came to our wedding celebration, although they did not bring their kids. They actually weren’t planning to come, but made the decision last minute to do so. Shitbro and I have exchanged approximately 5 minutes of conversation over the last 4 and a half years. He’s a conservative Christian asswipe and I happen to know that if we had any more than surface level conversation I would be forced to theologically spar (and wipe the floor) with him. But I digress . . .

A while ago, the twins were over at La’s mom’s house and saw the shutterfly photo book of our wedding. They saw pictures of their aunts and uncles and cousins, all having a fantastic time. And they were pissed that they weren’t there. They asked their Oma what it was, and she explained that Auntie Lala and Andie were married, and that was their wedding. When they asked why they weren’t there, she said they were in Kentucky with their gran. All of which was, you know, the truth.

Apparently, more recently, one of the twins asked her dad (aka Shitbro) is Auntie Lala and Andie were married, because that’s what Oma said and why didn’t they get to go to the party and dance and wear new clothes? Because Shitbro is shitty, he made it a much bigger deal than it needed to be, danced around the question, and probably left his daughter really confused.

He called last night to tell this all to La and to let her know that because of all of this, they were going to be ‘too busy’ to see her this week while she is in Indy to visit. I presume they will likely be ‘too busy’ to see us for the rest of their kid’s childhood because they don’t want to have to explain that they are bigots. 

La is, of course, heartbroken. So is her amazing mom. Because I don’t have a lifetime of trying to love this douchebag, I’m mostly pissed. Hurt that he has totally ignored my humanity? Sure. That too. But I’m definitely feeling more like I want to punch this dude in the kidneys, not cry.

It remains to be seen what will happen. For sure this is not the end of this crappy situation, unfortunately. It is only a small comfort that its Shitbro who will end up looking stupid in the long run. Right now, my girl isn’t allowed to see her niece and nephew. Right now, homophobia is taking away a little bit of her humanity. And while I count us likely to have so few run ins with this kind of treatment, it still smarts.

Of course, I’m also bummed that we missed the IUI. What felt totally cool no big deal a few days ago now feels shitty. I know there are many silver linings to this cloud but damn it, it still sucks to have to forgo your best shot at something. I ovulated on day 14 and got an at home insemination in on day 12, which is not the worst possible thing to happen, but the floating hope of a week ago has sunk sunk sunk. 

But. Amy Ray did have her arm around me less than 24 hours ago. That’s still pretty awesome. 


12 thoughts on “All that we let in

  1. It’s a pain when family shuns the topic. My sister was/is the same way. She had six kids (half hers and half her new hubby’s). For the longest time, even after our wedding me and my wife were “friends” when it came to her kids, age range 6-15. They came for an Easter last year and it was after that trip that they acknowledged to the kids “Yes, your Aunt is Gay.”

    Hopefully the topic comes out sooner than later, that having to miss much of your niece and nephew’s lives.

  2. That’s a fantastic photo!

    I’ve been hearing a lot about other people’s shitty families a lot recently, and it sucks. It sucks that love is something that people get weird, uncomfortable, hostile or just plain hateful around. And that awesome people suffer as a result. Sorry that you’re all experiencing that, from what seems like the shittiestbro.

  3. I’m super jealous about the Indigo Girls, we missed their concert here because we were on vacation.

    Sorry about the family stuff. I feel your pain. My wife’s family is very conservative, Mormon, and her niece and nephew (8 and 4) have no idea who or why this weird girl (me) is that always at their family functions. I’m sure one day they will find out, like when we have a baby. It’s hard.

  4. Oh man, I totally feel this post!
    M’s sister has two kids 12 and 10. We have been married for over 4 years and they don’t know we are married. I was so so so very mad when they did not let them attend our wedding. M lived with them and basically nannied for her sister for 3 years. I told M that her sister was insinuating that she was good enough to parent her children but not good enough to have them watch her get married. It still pisses me off today (if that isn’t apparent). 2 years ago at Christmas the 10 year old said in front of everyone “I don’t understand why my Grandma always tells you to get into our family photo’s” it crushed me. It was not meant to be rude or mean, he just was confused. I want the kids to call me their Aunt.
    I just really cant understand how her sister doesn’t see anything wrong with this. She is completely supportive of us besides this one area which she doesn’t think is a concern. She even told M that he said the word gay so he knows what it means now so you should tell him you are gay. M was like uhhhh that is NOT my job.

    Anyways… on a positive note – just think, you and your wife might be that person that breaks through his bigoted ways and makes him see the world a little differently. 🙂

  5. My famous-dyke moment was when I was 20 and at this big Queer art thing in Chicago that Dorothy Allison was a featured guest for. I brought my copy of Bastard Out of Carolina for her to sign. I walked to the table she was at before the show and waited for them to acknowledge me. I said I didn’t know when would be a good time to ask, but would she sign my book? She said yes so then I explained to her how I stayed up way too late finishing it while taking a bath, I just kept refreshing the water, and even made my roommate bring me a snack. And it was raining and you aren’t supposed to take baths when it’s raining… All kinds of blustery and inarticulate. She signed it, looked up smiling, and said “shit girl! You’re like the cutest thing ever!” in this amazing mix of southern twang and easy coast something. My jaw dropped and my face flushed and I pretty much ran back to my table.

    You’re still in the running for this cycle!

    • One of my friends is a HUGE Dorothy Alison fan and has met her a few times and said she is both wonderful and kind of dirty. Which I LOVE!
      I met Michelle Tea at a reading once and had a similar response as I did Sunday. No picture to commemorate. And I said something like “I’ve read Valencia every year since I was 20” or equally fangirlish. Oh, celesbians!

      • Celesbians! Lol yeh I’ve met Michelle Tea at least once, too.

        I met Allison Bechdel at a talk/signing in Chicago and I was hanging out with some interesting folks I met there. While we were waiting one of them asked her if she wanted a chocolate and then ran down the street to buy a fancy one. She brought back like 5 because she didn’t know which kind she would like. She was really cool.

        Then there is Andrea Gibson. I’ve met her multiple times. The first time, she was the feature at an open mic that I became a regular at. I asked her if my legs would ever stop shaking at the mic and she said that if they did to stop performing.

        And my ultimate celesbian meeting might have to be staceyann chinn drawing a legs-spread, hairy vagina on my cast. I totally forgot about that!

      • Yes! I used to go to some of the same parties as Andrea Gibson and she is adorably awkward in person. I really love having celebrities who aren’t super well known, makes it easier to meet them

  6. My bro cut me out last year from his 6 kiddies and it was devastating. They are old enough to understand and to this day I still don’t know what excuse he used to explain my sudden disappearance. I’m sorry this is happening and I hope it gets better.

  7. Family does this terrible thing to people. I’m so sorry this happened to you and to La. Give her a hug from me. I’m sending you both big big hugs and sending lots of warm thoughts to fill up your hearts.

  8. It’s fucking heartbreaking to me that so many of you can relate to this kind of exclusion. Ugh. I am glad we all have one another though!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s