Today I am unbearably cranky, bitter, anxious, sad. I both have no good reason and very good reasons to feel this way. In any case, I don’t like that I feel this way. I do have a
sneaking suspicion very clear idea that my malaise is being amplified by having forgot my celexa at home while I was in South Carolina and therefore being a few days short of having the proper amount floating around in my system.
The thing that should be keeping me afloat is this:
(in case you don’t know, that’s me standing between Emily Saliers and Amy Ray (!!!!!) of The Indigo Girls.)
I get that not every dyke loves The Indigo Girls and that I am totally admitting what a cliche I am but you guys, I am *touching Amy Ray* in this photo. I’ve had a crush on her since before I even knew I was gay. When I listen to her voice funny things happen to my stomach. And I got to awkwardly introduce myself to her and she said I had beautiful tattoos!!!!
When I look at that picture I definitely feel less cranky.
But I still feel hella cranky.
Last night, right before the show, La’s shitty brother (ShitBro) called and was, not surprisingly, shitty. La also has an awesome brother (Awebro) who’s wife was a little weird a while back, but they should not be confused. Shitbro has twin kiddos, age 7, who have met me and generally seem clueless about why I show up at their family’s Christmas celebration every year. Shitbro and his wife came to our wedding celebration, although they did not bring their kids. They actually weren’t planning to come, but made the decision last minute to do so. Shitbro and I have exchanged approximately 5 minutes of conversation over the last 4 and a half years. He’s a conservative Christian asswipe and I happen to know that if we had any more than surface level conversation I would be forced to theologically spar (and wipe the floor) with him. But I digress . . .
A while ago, the twins were over at La’s mom’s house and saw the shutterfly photo book of our wedding. They saw pictures of their aunts and uncles and cousins, all having a fantastic time. And they were pissed that they weren’t there. They asked their Oma what it was, and she explained that Auntie Lala and Andie were married, and that was their wedding. When they asked why they weren’t there, she said they were in Kentucky with their gran. All of which was, you know, the truth.
Apparently, more recently, one of the twins asked her dad (aka Shitbro) is Auntie Lala and Andie were married, because that’s what Oma said and why didn’t they get to go to the party and dance and wear new clothes? Because Shitbro is shitty, he made it a much bigger deal than it needed to be, danced around the question, and probably left his daughter really confused.
He called last night to tell this all to La and to let her know that because of all of this, they were going to be ‘too busy’ to see her this week while she is in Indy to visit. I presume they will likely be ‘too busy’ to see us for the rest of their kid’s childhood because they don’t want to have to explain that they are bigots.
La is, of course, heartbroken. So is her amazing mom. Because I don’t have a lifetime of trying to love this douchebag, I’m mostly pissed. Hurt that he has totally ignored my humanity? Sure. That too. But I’m definitely feeling more like I want to punch this dude in the kidneys, not cry.
It remains to be seen what will happen. For sure this is not the end of this crappy situation, unfortunately. It is only a small comfort that its Shitbro who will end up looking stupid in the long run. Right now, my girl isn’t allowed to see her niece and nephew. Right now, homophobia is taking away a little bit of her humanity. And while I count us likely to have so few run ins with this kind of treatment, it still smarts.
Of course, I’m also bummed that we missed the IUI. What felt totally cool no big deal a few days ago now feels shitty. I know there are many silver linings to this cloud but damn it, it still sucks to have to forgo your best shot at something. I ovulated on day 14 and got an at home insemination in on day 12, which is not the worst possible thing to happen, but the floating hope of a week ago has sunk sunk sunk.
But. Amy Ray did have her arm around me less than 24 hours ago. That’s still pretty awesome.