Probably Not.

I have opened a wordpress window to write something four or five times now over the course of the last week and a half. I feel compelled to say something . . .to connect . . .but I don’t know what to say.  

Today is cycle day 26, 12 days past ovulation. I am spotting. I am almost sure I am not pregnant. I am not having cramps or the miserable wretched brattiness that usually hits me about this time of my cycle. I am grateful for these changes in the way my body handles its hormones, because its probably a good sign overall. I’m still morose that we didn’t get the hail mary pregnancy I was hoping for. I love an underdog story and it would have been such a good one. 

I’m grasping at the good things that are here: a shorter cycle means fewer days until we try again, less pain throughout my cycle, improved moods, more chances to get back to running. Ultimately it doesn’t matter whether you thought it would happen or not, taking a chance and not having it work out sucks. It just sucks. 

Its funny, though, the way my mind works now. Even though this morning when I checked my cervical fluid there was definitely a lot (not a little) blood and my temperature went down quite a bit and I just don’t think being pregnant is at all likely, there is still this little voice inside of me that says, “maybe.” Maybe the blood is from implantation and maybe the temperature is only low because the cold I have is keeping my mouth open when I sleep and maybe maybe maybe . . .Crazy scenarios happen in these moments. But they aren’t grandiose. They are the mindless musings I have while I eat my yogurt. 

I don’t feel hopelessness drop anchor in my stomach now when I see the blood or feel the cramps or anything else. I observe it and check it off on the long list of maybe/maybe not and I continue to toy with the insanity that is now part and parcel of who I am. I live in the simultaneous disbelief in ever being pregnant and the mundane irrational hope that I am pregnant in spite of clear evidence that I am not.

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Probably Not.

  1. You are going through what every woman in the world goes through while TTC. I know that I searched far and wide in my most recent attempt to find even the slightest inkling of a hint of pregnancy. I over analyzed every twinge and cramp. I’m a believer that it isn’t over until it’s over. There’s nothing wrong with a little hope. I’m rooting for you for sure. And if not this time, there will come another! We have to keep this hope in the forefront. Considering that each cycle carries a 10-20% chance of success, it is a wonder that there are humans on this earth at all. But if you and I were that 10-20%, odds are you will eventually catch your egg and create your very own human. Have faith. It is all I have left!

  2. I agree with the notion that “it’s not over till it’s over.” There’s always a little room for hope, at least a little! I was absolutely certain that I was not pregnant when in fact I was. I was having every pre-period symptom in the book, everything was pretty much proceeding as normal as far as my cycle normally went and I was pretty crushed that another cycle hadn’t worked. Then, lo and behold, there it all was. Total shocker. Hang in there! Positive thoughts!

  3. You’re entitled to your feelings – sometimes the ‘oh-poo!’ moments are what it takes to get through the day. But please don’t hold onto them for long. You could be just around the corner from something wonderful.
    ((((hugs))))

  4. I know exactly what you mean. Even though you try to be grounded and realistic, the hope and want is always still there so it’s impossible to not be disappointed, sad, and frustrated. Having shorter cycles is definitely a positive.

    My non-grandiose musings happen in the car while I’m singing Copa Cabana when all of a sudden I feel a bubble in my lower tummy and think “hmm maybe that’s it, I’ve just felt the miraculous moment of implantation.” Well, that’s a grandiose over-exagerration of my thought process.

  5. Ugh – that hope! I never get 100% sure I’m not pregnant. I just carry on at 99% until I’m three days into my period and it’s just too impossible. I totally understand.

  6. So sorry to hear this. That probably-but-not-definitely-not-pregnant part of the cycle was often the hardest for me. Hang in there! If this cycle isn’t the one, it sounds like you have a great plan going forward. I have a lot of faith that you’ll get there. But man does it suck in the meantime.

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