Sub Par

So much for my overachieving ovaries of July. It figures that they would show up with a big, beautiful follicle on day 12 of the cycle when doing really any kind of insemination was nigh on impossible. I also think getting a chance at the camera had something to do with it. All about appearances, aren’t we?

Its cycle day 16 and still no positive OPK. I also have a disturbing lack of fertile cervical fluid, which has usually shown up by now even when I have ovulated later. My OPKs are also sadly lacking color. I’m not feeling super hopeful right now and I know that the lack of hope (and accompanying anxiety) is not doing much to help my ovaries.

My acupuncturist has encouraged me to push for ultrasound monitoring and even an HCG trigger, even before this. I sent an e-mail to the Texas Ranger asking about this and she flatly denied me, saying I didn’t need a trigger and that my follicle had looked so good in July I didn’t need monitoring either. La felt like we should give the all natural route a fair shot, so I dropped it. But I’ve spent most of this cycle wishing I hadn’t. It was reassuring to see that big fat follicle last month, sure, but it came of the heels of a PCOS diagnosis; the combination really just made me feel like the monitoring was clearly the *best* route. Apparently, not everyone agrees.

I had a little freakout on wednesday when I still hadn’t gotten a positive. It was premature, I admit. This issue – where I want to up the game and La wants to stick with the plan – has come up a lot in the last few months. It makes us both feel crazy. I want La to understand the insanity of trying to figure out my body, and she wants me to calm down and follow the path we laid out when things weren’t so loaded. I think we both have good arguments, and we get pretty caught up in them. I’m grateful that we communicate well with one another and know how to talk about our feelings and process. The agreement we reached was that if a positive OPK doesn’t show by Sunday (Day 18) we will call the Texas Ranger and request an ultrasound. And then, I guess, we will see what she says.

I think I’m getting clearer on what I need to advocate for, though, and I’m nervous how that will play out depending on what happens with BFF’s sperm analysis and this cycle. On the one hand, I don’t want to have to dive into the murky waters of finding another donor; on the other, if we do have to use a frozen sample, we could see an RE and be a bit more demanding about using additional interventions, getting additional testing done and having monitoring. It will be hard for that to happen if we keep using BFF and going to the TR; but it is pretty much impossible for us to use BFF at a fertility clinic. Its feeling hard to win right now. Its also feeling hard to not know.

I’m hoping a positive OPK shows up soon. It wouldn’t be so bad to do an IUI on the weekend – certainly less stress to figure out schedules. And we have a plan. Maybe once my ovaries know they’re getting another photo shoot, they’ll pony up the egg.


4 thoughts on “Sub Par

  1. Ooh I hated the cycle I ovulated on day 18! I kept thinking it was about to happen so I had donor #2 give me 5 samples over the course of at least a week. I was so full of anxiety waiting for it. I hope your line gets dark soon!

  2. ME TOO. This cycle was day 18 for me and I was about to hang “abandon hope all ye who enter here” flags from my house. The worst (at least, as far as ovulation goes).

  3. This sounds so stressful! For me, trying to interpret the relative darkness of OPKs plus temps and a variety of ambiguous signs/symptoms was exhausting and anxiety-producing, both when I was trying to get pregnant and when we were trying to get my partner pregnant. Because of this, when we switched to trying to get me pregnant with our second kid, I was willing to do monitoring on my very first cycle of TTC#2, even though I knew that my cycles were pretty regular and I didn’t have any known fertility issues. So I agree that there are good arguments for both lower-intervention and higher-intervention approaches, but it makes a lot of sense that you might want to go to monitored cycles at this point. Sometimes you just want to know what the heck is going on in there!
    And, for what it’s worth, on my first ever monitored cycle I didn’t ovulate until day 20 or so–and that’s the cycle that resulted in this pregnancy. But I was not a fun person to live with on days 12-20. Hang in there! Hoping for good news soon.

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