Its been a helluva week.

Today is cycle day 22, still no positive OPK. After the almost-the-same test on Tuesday morning, I got almost no line at all on Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning I got another dark-but-not-positive and then . . .of course, no line Wednesday night. My cervical fluid has followed a similar, although opposite, pattern – with creamy fluid in the morning and stretchier, clearer fluid in the evening. My temperatures have stayed solidly in the pre-ovulatory range. This morning’s pee stick ritual yielded another dark but not positive. In other words, nothing to speak of.

I sent an e-mail to the Texas Ranger on Tuesday asking for an ultrasound to see what was going on, and mentioning that I would also like to talk more in depth about fertility medications. She responded telling me to come in for a blood draw to check progesterone and to schedule an appointment to talk about further interventions.

I’m a little perturbed about the progesterone check instead of an ultrasound. The progesterone test will show that I have not ovulated. Which I know, because I track my temperatures.  I’m not sure why I had to drive half way across the metro area and get stuck in the hand to prove what I already know. But I did.

The next available appointment for The Texas Ranger wasn’t until Oct 1st. Aside from this feeling like a lifetime away, I was also concerned with how it might work in terms of timing for the next cycle (assuming I ovulate in the next, you know, few weeks) and I was not willing to be patient to talk about something that I’d wanted to talk about a month ago. So, I am going to see a doctor at the same practice this coming Monday.

After a week of grief, anxiety, busy-ness and just general too-much-ness, La and I made the decision to cancel this cycle. Between the havoc that’s been wrecked on our lives with friends leaving and lives exploding in work and ovulation not coming, and the fact that we were advised an IUI wouldn’t be recommended with ovulation any later than day 24 (at this rate, we are almost past that cut-off as is), it seems like the best, most reasonable plan to forgo the IUI, take some time to breathe, figure out our next steps, and then move forward in September/October.

I’m terribly sad and also decidedly relieved. I have been exhausted by this process, wrung out with waiting, and blame filled (from myself, always only myself) when the OPK shows up negative. again. and again. And while there is loss – not getting to try is a particular kind of heartache I think – it feels quieter and more peace-filled.

The one sticking point from our conversation last night was whether to have BFF’s sperm analysis repeated before or after the IUI. Following the previously decided upon ‘plan’ would mean getting it done prior to the Sept/Oct IUI. La doesn’t want to do this. She wants to go forward and have the SA repeated after the IUI.

I have a lot of complex feelings about this. First and foremost, if we are upping our game so significantly, I’m not sure why we wouldn’t test the semen. Its been more than 8 weeks since BFF started acupuncture and supplements, and that was time time frame we were given to see some improvement. I think La’s desire to try is more about sticking her head in the sand and hoping for the best – a tactic I have often gone with when the emotional stakes are high. After all, no news is good news, right?

But it feels hard that in this instance, The Plan is being put aside in the service of BFF/La’s desire to use BFF as our donor. The Plan has been the primary sticking point whenever I wanted to bump the timeline up. Whenever I wanted to make an appointment or ask questions about interventions or see a naturopath or or or . . .The Plan has been the reason I didn’t do any of that. When I’d come home worried or wanting to try something, La would say, but we have The Plan. We have to stick with The Plan. and The Plan says we don’t try that until _____ (after 6 tries, August, if we get a bad test result.)

So I’m a little resentful. And I feel shitty that I feel resentful, but I do. We tabled the conversation and made an agreement to revisit after doing some more thinking and talking and uncovering. I certainly don’t want to make a decision based on my resentful feelings; I also want to give ourselves the best possible chance, because this shit is fucking hard.



8 thoughts on “Bust.

  1. I have no beautiful words of comfort and wisdom. What I can say, however, is that I get it. This shit is hard. It’s emotionally trying and physically draining. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and waiting and disappointments. It sucks. Personally, I would go with have the SA done in advance of the IUI. It will give you a better idea of the likelihood of success with an IUI. I mean, having an IUI raises the cost and the stakes of baby-making. Why not know all of the cards you’ve been dealt before proceeding? In any case, please know that I am sincerely pulling for you. I hope that your next cycle is successful and shorter. PCOS changes things but doesn’t make conception impossible. Look at me! How long did I wait to ovulate? It took forever but it happened. And it will happen again (thanks to my trusty meds, but still…). So, yell, cry, and/or scream if you need to but after that’s done, relax a bit and recoup. Your time is now and it will work. I have to believe in that.

  2. I think you captured it perfectly in your last statement. This is fucking hard. It sucks. It sometimes makes us cry. It causes tension where there was no tension before. It makes us doubt our bodies and our plans. It’s hard. It deserves profanity. Also fucking hard? When ovulation is an asshole. I’m giving yours the old stink eye in an effort to elicit better behavior next month.

  3. This all sounds exhausting. I hope that this break (while definitely not what you were hoping for) gives you a chance to catch your breath.
    And I’m confused about why the Texas Ranger wouldn’t let you come in for an ultrasound. Is it possible to ask her why she wanted the progesterone check instead? I’m assuming there’s a good reason for it, but it might be good to know what it is.
    I get it that it can be helpful to have a plan, and to know what the next step(s) would be. But it also seems like there could be room to adjust the plan in the face of new information (like the PCOS diagnosis, like BFFs SA, etc.), or just because of feeling differently than you thought you would when you got to this point. I hope that you and La find yourselves more on the same page after further discussions. This stuff is hard enough to get through when you and your partner agree about what to do next, and even harder when you disagree.
    Thinking of you both, and hoping the way forward from here becomes clearer.

  4. I can’t give you words of wisdom or advice to get through this. I can send you all the hopes and compassion that I have. I think of you often and I can’t imagine how hard this is for you! It sucks that you are in this place right now and just know that I’m sure it’s normal. It has to be with some much emotion flying around and so much want and desire and passion in the face of this difficulty. I’ll keep sending all my positive thoughts in your direction and I sure hope you get to feeling better soon. ((HUGS))

  5. I get that this roller coaster seems to feel like it’s all straight track sometimes and that we’d probably give anything to feel some change in momentum – any change. I don’t know if it helps any but you’re not alone in the resentment pit (Sometimes I feel like it’s myself I resent the most) As A has pointed out to me so many times this cycle though, it’s like this because it !is! a big deal. You’re entitled to your feelings and all of them have their purpose – even the ones that feel the crappiest.
    And whilst there are few things that make time fly like waiting for a new cycle to begin, we’ve found it pays to channel the energy you would have been using for TTC into a new project you can do together. A and I have started fundraising for PCOS charity Verity, for example.
    (After reading this back: sorry if the last part sounds trite. I know how crappy it feels. We all have our ways, I guess. *hugs*)

  6. This all sucks. We were on an unintended break month this last cycle, and although it was kind of nice to not have to spend every waking moment wondering if I was pregnant or not, it also was really sad. I would do the progesterone test, and the SA. I think they want to know the levels of things in addition to whether you ovulated, or not. Maybe sitting down and discussing The Plan in light of the new information (ie: BFF’s swimmers being iffy, what you’ll have to pay for, etc) is in order. You shouldn’t always get your way, but you also shouldn’t NEVER get your way, especially with things that are so emotional, and where you’ll be inevitably blaming yourself. I was amazed at how much anger I have towards my body from this process, and how little of it my wife understood. Hugs to you, and hoping for a good next try and a new way forward!

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