Looking up. Or at least out.

I am feeling about a thousand times more grounded than I was just a few days ago. With that, my heavy heart and dragging soul have lifted. I feel more hopeful than I have in weeks.

To start, I made the decision to spend what very little discretionary income we currently have on two books – one is the third in a trilogy that I LOVE (Margaret Arwood’s Maddaddam series. so so so good.) and the other was Conquering Infertility – conspicuously placed on the used book shelf as tough God herself had put it there for me. The Atwood was to take my mind off of the situation at hand. The other has been incredibly useful for stocking up on some much needed tools to support not being fucking crazy. Which I was, and still kind of am. The approach is also not to get you pregnant, but to help handle the depression, anxiety and general emotional bullshittery of trying to get pregnant when getting pregnant is hard. 

Second, La and I resolved our conflict (not before it took up two whole evenings of tearful conversations) about using BFF’s sperm for the upcoming IUI before getting a repeat SA, and have decided to go forward. Its not a rational decision – but it is an important emotional one. I think I lost sight, in my own depression about how little I can control in this situation, of how La feels about all of this. In particular, how using her best friend’s semen (something that was planned for before I was even in the picture) might feel like something she needs to see through. In many ways, he is her proxy, and I need to think about how entwined using him as a donor is with her stake in this process.

Thirdly, I attended my first Yoga for Fertility class at the Acupuncture place on Sunday. I’m a huge fan of yoga and practice pretty regularly, but this was a godsend. A room full of other women struggling with fertility issues (including the instructor), opportunities to share what’s going on in a totally safe space, and lots of good hip stretching, mindful breathing and meditation – so so amazing. I felt so light and calm and clear when I left.

Finally, today I went to see Dr. G at the OB’s office. After telling him the basics, he decided to 

1. Take blood tests to confirm the PCOS diagnosis

2. Assuming those tests look like he expects, he will likely prescribe metformin for me.

3. Regardless, we will use clomid on days 5-9, have ultrasound monitoring on day 13, and then determine if an HCG shot will be necessary or if we will wait and continue to do monitoring. 

4. He gave me a prescription for provera to start a period since I’m on day 26 and still no O. 

I feel great about how clear and helpful he was, about his desire to investigate further and his plan. I’m nervous about metformin, which I’ve heard can be pretty miserable, but I’m also willing to take it if it helps move things along. I’m going with clomid even though I’ve heard some horror stories because it seems like the best place to start.

So, hopefully in a few weeks we will get this party started for real. I’m still feeling conflicted about all this medical intervention. Its definitely not what I hoped or planned for, and so there is grief about that. On the other hand, I feel exhausted from this process and am willing to jump in feet first if it means lessening the anxiety or at least making our try a bit more successful.

And so . . .onward ho! 

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9 thoughts on “Looking up. Or at least out.

  1. I’m glad to hear you’re in a more peaceful place, emotionally. This whole process is crazy-making, whether you use doctors or not. As someone who has been there/done that, I feel like I can understand a bit of what you’re going through. Keep on keepin’ on. It’s worth it.

  2. This all sounds fantastic. I feel like I can relate on some level on how good it feels to finally reach a place of peace after a period of emotional struggle. I’m so glad you and La resolved your donor conflict. My wife and I have had many a tearful conversation through out process and I know exactly how much better if feels to have things better sorted out. I love the idea of a yoga for infertility! I hope that continues to be a good thing for you. xoxo

  3. I’m so glad you’re doing what you can to take good care of yourself.

    I have PCOS and was on metformin for quite some time. I really hope that you don’t have the nauseating side effects (literal nausea) that can sometimes accompany it. 😛

  4. I was pretty darn worried for you the other day, so I’m glad to hear you are in a better place emotionally. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you both! It takes such courage to share with others your journey and your emotional bumps and bruises. Hang in there, sweetie, you have lots and lots of people who are rooting for you and sending you lots and lots of positive vibes!

  5. Oh I’m so excited for the new Atwood book! I absolutely loved Year of the Flood and Oryx and Crake. I am glad you’ve got the good reads to soothe your soul a bit. I’ve heard great things about metformin and fertility for PCOS gals. Hope the side effects are minimal for you. Good luck!

  6. Glad you were able to work things out–it’s difficult to deal with all of the emotions this stuff brings up, for sure! And I did fine on clomid–no side effects–so it is possible! The only thing that I wished they had told me earlier is that taking a baby aspirin every day that you’re on it can help keep your lining thicker.

  7. I would love to find a yoga class for fertility around me! I’ve just done youtube videos and regular yoga tapes since my gym doesn’t have classes. That added element of being with others who can relate sounds nice too. It sounds like you are getting more involvement from your doctors, which must feel more reassuring to know there is a plan. I got the sense that your gyn (Texas Ranger right?) was maybe kind of like my gyn, trying not to focus on intervention and focus more on relaxing, letting things happen more naturally. But we really are in a different situation than most couples trying to conceive. There is more money at stake and it is artificial, so it’s not really as fun as sex is so your body isn’t having the same chemical response to counter the stress of it all. I hear ya about having emotional convos with your spouse. You definitely learn a lot about yourself and one another even if you thought you knew it all.

  8. So glad to hear that things are feeling better! It’s great that you and La were able to figure out a plan that makes sense to you both, and that takes into account what’s important to each of you. And it makes sense that the move to more interventions would be a complicated one, but hopefully worth it if it increases your odds and decreases your anxiety. Yay for no more squinting at ambiguous OPK sticks!

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