I am feeling about a thousand times more grounded than I was just a few days ago. With that, my heavy heart and dragging soul have lifted. I feel more hopeful than I have in weeks.
To start, I made the decision to spend what very little discretionary income we currently have on two books – one is the third in a trilogy that I LOVE (Margaret Arwood’s Maddaddam series. so so so good.) and the other was Conquering Infertility – conspicuously placed on the used book shelf as tough God herself had put it there for me. The Atwood was to take my mind off of the situation at hand. The other has been incredibly useful for stocking up on some much needed tools to support not being fucking crazy. Which I was, and still kind of am. The approach is also not to get you pregnant, but to help handle the depression, anxiety and general emotional bullshittery of trying to get pregnant when getting pregnant is hard.
Second, La and I resolved our conflict (not before it took up two whole evenings of tearful conversations) about using BFF’s sperm for the upcoming IUI before getting a repeat SA, and have decided to go forward. Its not a rational decision – but it is an important emotional one. I think I lost sight, in my own depression about how little I can control in this situation, of how La feels about all of this. In particular, how using her best friend’s semen (something that was planned for before I was even in the picture) might feel like something she needs to see through. In many ways, he is her proxy, and I need to think about how entwined using him as a donor is with her stake in this process.
Thirdly, I attended my first Yoga for Fertility class at the Acupuncture place on Sunday. I’m a huge fan of yoga and practice pretty regularly, but this was a godsend. A room full of other women struggling with fertility issues (including the instructor), opportunities to share what’s going on in a totally safe space, and lots of good hip stretching, mindful breathing and meditation – so so amazing. I felt so light and calm and clear when I left.
Finally, today I went to see Dr. G at the OB’s office. After telling him the basics, he decided to
1. Take blood tests to confirm the PCOS diagnosis
2. Assuming those tests look like he expects, he will likely prescribe metformin for me.
3. Regardless, we will use clomid on days 5-9, have ultrasound monitoring on day 13, and then determine if an HCG shot will be necessary or if we will wait and continue to do monitoring.
4. He gave me a prescription for provera to start a period since I’m on day 26 and still no O.
I feel great about how clear and helpful he was, about his desire to investigate further and his plan. I’m nervous about metformin, which I’ve heard can be pretty miserable, but I’m also willing to take it if it helps move things along. I’m going with clomid even though I’ve heard some horror stories because it seems like the best place to start.
So, hopefully in a few weeks we will get this party started for real. I’m still feeling conflicted about all this medical intervention. Its definitely not what I hoped or planned for, and so there is grief about that. On the other hand, I feel exhausted from this process and am willing to jump in feet first if it means lessening the anxiety or at least making our try a bit more successful.
And so . . .onward ho!