Popped.

Last night I got a call from Dr. G with the results of my progesterone blood draw (which was over a week ago. ugh.): 5

For reference, anything >4 suggests ovulation has not occurred. <10 would indicate good ovulation, unmedicated. 20 or so is normal for a clomid cycle. So 5 means I landed somewhere right around shitty ovulation. When I told Dr. G (who hasn’t been the doctor at the majority of my other appointments) that I had my surge on CD19 and probably ovulated on CD20, he said something like “you shouldn’t be ovulating so long after stopping the clomid. 4 or 5 days, that’s when you should be ovulating.” When I asked him what that might mean for THIS cycle, he just said, “well, its not a GOOD thing to have such low progesterone.” and then immediately jumped to upping the clomid to 100mg next cycle.

So we took a test this morning. It was negative.

I cycled from hope to despair so rapidly I feel a little sick and a little heady. The irony is that I have been looking at my lack of ‘usual’ pre period symptoms as a good thing, when in fact they were just additional evidence that my progesterone was so low that it probably doesn’t even matter if an egg managed to get fertilized. 

Its pretty impossible to not feel sad, heartbroken, dull. Its also pretty impossible not to feel like my body is fucked up. Maybe not beyond repair, you know, but fucked up nevertheless.

I sent an e-mail off asking about getting on metformin, upping the clomid, using a trigger, and getting a repeat SA for BFF. This last item is the one hanging darkly over our heads. La is sick with worry that the test will tell us what we absolutely don’t want to hear. She has already started asking me how much it will need to improve for us to move forward with him. I don’t have an answer for her because all of this just feels like too fucking much. And, I want something new to try, to make it feel like we are at least on a new part of the rollercoaster instead of on an endless loop.

Today I walked into work to find all of my coworkers crowded around my colleague’s 9 month old daughter. I held it together but it took all the energy I had. My colleague struggled to get her baby too, so you’d think this might make it feel less horrific. It doesn’t.

Tonight I will do my damndest to show up and small talk and charm charm charm the attendees at a fundraiser for the organization whose board of director’s I sit on. I wore my black stilletos and velvet suit jacket to try and give me a boost. I’m not the best schmoozer on my best days, but at least I can drink some wine while I fake it.

 

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8 thoughts on “Popped.

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  1. So sorry to hear this. No wonder you’re feeling despairing. I hope that exploring some of the options for other interventions/meds/strategies helps–there really are a lot of different things that you could do that could increase your odds.
    And I hope the wine was good.

  2. So sad to hear the news. I can’t imagine what you are going through and I know that no words will make it feel better to you. I will only send you hugs and hope and peace and light from us to you!

  3. That’s so disappointing. I’m sorry. Does your clinic do any more intense cycle monitoring? Mine did daily blood draws and ultrasounds leading up to ovulation. It was a pain to get there sometimes, but it was nice to know exactly how things were moving/growing and when.

  4. Such disappointing news, and the disappointment never gets easier 😦 I’m so sorry to hear this.

    I really know the feeling like your body is broken. After so many disappointments you just start to blame yourself. Usually though, hormonal issues can be helped with progesterone supplements etc. I really hope they find the right solution for you!

    Good luck!

  5. I’m going through Clomid hell also….last cycle I O’d @ CD18. I’ve read many stories of women who O super late on Clomid…and conceive healthy babies. I’m going for a monitored cycle next time if I get the dreaded negative next week.
    Good Luck to you, you’re not alone!

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the snearses

some vegetables, some cats

The MD & Me

~ my not so glamorous but oh so blessed life ~

Star In Her Eye

raising a rare girl

Mama et Maman

A blog about two moms trying to conceive

Becoming Mommy and Mama

Two ladies on a baby adventure

YoungIVFerChantelle

My journey to get my Miracle.

single ma in siberia

a single Australian queer's TTC quest/ parenthood journey

babamimi

"Your family needs a reality TV show"

Our Egg, Her Nest?

My journey to Motherhood through gestational surrogacy

Raising Race Conscious Children

a resource for talking about race with young children

Three Hearts Beating

Two lesbian mamas make some queer spawn...

Papa Bear

how two boys made a baby

midwestmammas

lesbian, parenting, ttc, lgbt, baby

and baby makes 3

two moms and a new baby

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