Left Behind.

I made it through last week. I knew I would, in the rational long sighted way of things, but it felt pretty miserable trudging through. 14 hour work days, heinous menstrual cramps, too many things owed to too many people. But on the other side of it was this:



My nephew, my bulldog and my super hot wife snuggling on my couch. If that isn’t a reward for a job well done, I don’t know what is.

The other night it occured to me that this story, the one I am living, is no longer just a story about two girls trying to get knocked up without the right equipment; its a story about things not going the way you want, having to let go of some wants to accomodate others, about doubting your body’s ability to do what it is ‘supposed’ to. Its a story about infertility.

Is that a fair title? I don’t know. Technically, we’ve only been trying for 9 months – not even the full year required by most doctors to get a referral. But given my poly cystic ovaries and BFF’s poorly outfitted sperm, I think we qualify. I can’t decide if it is helpful or not to own that identity as ‘infertile’ – does it make me more hopeless or inclined to find my people? Does it sign me up for shit I don’t need in my head or provide an explanation for the frustratingly inexplicable? I don’t know.

More and more, I feel left behind. In ‘real life,’ on blogs, at BabyCenter, in my own crazy head . . .people who I started this journey amongst, or who came after, are on to the next thing. Out of the waiting and into the gestating. On to the baby. And here we are, still tracking temperatures and trying too hard not to read into every.little.thing. We are head down, trudging, waiting for a detour onto another path. Occassionally, there is something interesting on the side of the road, but otherwise, its been the same scenery for months now, and its growing old. I’m tired of telling people the same news, so tired I don’t even wait for their response anymore but shoot off ‘its ok. try try again!’ or ‘maybe next time!’ before they can get a word out.  People offer to ‘talk’ but what would I talk about? Its not that I don’t appreciate the support or even want to take them up on it. I honestly don’t know what to say anymore except ‘it didn’t work. again.’ and, ‘I want this so badly.’

But, we travel on. Because we still believe (we must, or why do it?) that there is an end in sight and that end comes with a baby. Because there are still so many things to try before giving up. Because on days when the sun is big and warm through the autumn leaves, I do see it – the possibility. 

After a frustrating few days trying to get a hold of whatever doctor could answer my questions, I finally was able to speak to the doctor who did my insemination, who said he’d be ‘my guy’ and I could count on him for communication and information. He prescribed metformin and upped my clomid dose to 100mg. I talked to him about the trigger and he mentioned this could be a possibility given my low progesterone and (likely) poor ovulation. The answers to that will come, I guess, closer to the follicle ultrasound next week. I’m at cycle day 6, started the clomid last night, the metformin today. Please keep my hormones and intestines in your thoughts and prayers. 

A final high light from my weekend! So, I’m a Lutheran (and pretty into it, FYI) but (and?) I’m also hella irreverant and prefer my religion with a heavy dose of cynicism. This Sunday was Reformation Sunday. You may remember from your high school history class that Martin Luther, a monk, instigated the protestant reformation by posting his 95 theses on the door of Wittenburg cathedral, enumerating all of the shit he found objectionable about Catholicism. Reformation Sunday is when we Lutherans celebrate our crazy and lovable patron and sometimes sing songs about famous lutherans.

At my church (full of many other irreverant types) we have a board listing things like the attendance, how much money we raised, and usually at least one ridiculous number. Sunday it was ‘Theses: 95’ Feeling like it could use some updating, I added:



The important thing, you see, is that even in the midst of being such a bratty baby, I can still make myself (and my pastor) laugh.



11 thoughts on “Left Behind.

  1. I don’t know how things work where you live, but here in Northern Europe at least, our doctor basically said that they wouldn’t even try any more IUI’s after #6 because of my endometriosis and suspected bad quality eggs–so we went straight to IVF after cycle #6. This is 10 months exactly after we started trying (and a year into beginning the whole process). And it looks like (crossing fingers) that now the IVF seems to be our way to have a baby–that way you separate the strongest swimmers and the best eggs and you skip a lot of the uncertainty that comes with–whatever might happen up there after the IUI. I’m surprised your doctor hasn’t suggested this–because to me at least, it seems like you’d be so much better off with it.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you’re in pain and I’m really rooting for you!

    • Well, while we’ve been trying for a year (almost) we have only done one IUI, as we were trying at home for the first 6 months.
      I don’t know what our doctor’s protocol is for referring out for IVF/big guns fertility, but I feel like I am probably only apt to hang out for two or three more IUIs, depending on what ends up happening with our donor. Mostly, I’m worried about the cost of IVF, since our insurance wouldn’t cover any of it. But, its definitely on my radar, as it seems like so many people have finally found success there.

  2. Oh, I hear this. (and hello, I don’t think I’ve commented before!) My wife and I recently lost our son at 22 weeks, and it had taken a while to conceive before that. That “left behind” feeling… I get it. People who got pregnant after I did are round and happy, people who started at the same time as us have kids. And we’re sitting…here. With our vials of sperm and no baby in sight. You’re not alone, and it does suck. I’m sorry.

    For what it’s worth, I also have PCOS and I got pregnant pretty quickly once we moved to Metformin and IUIs. I also found that Vitex was really helpful. Best wishes. 🙂

    • What do they say about misery loving company? Thanks for your words.

      I’m glad to hear that the metformin was a benefit. I just started it and am *terrified* of the possible side effects (I don’t handle GI distress well.) Of course, we also have sub-par sperm which we may or may not be using going forward, but which makes me feel a little more trapped than I think I otherwise would.

      Thanks for the comment, and glad we can connect, those of us left behind.

  3. Let me start by saying that I LOVE THAT BULLDOG. And I and entirely too jealous that he lives at your house and not mine. Now that I have that out of my system, I totally understand the left behind bit. It’s parts painful and parts happy to see people who have been your journey mates suddenly installing tickers and talking about morning sickness. Ouch. Sadly, theere’s no way past it except through it. But I hear you.

  4. The 5th paragraph down is like the thoughts beamed right out of my brain. I’ve been at this 8 months and it just seems like life keeps moving forward for everyone except we’re still in the same place only more emotional and with some new grey hairs. We’ll keep on trucking!

  5. We’ve been trying for about the same amount of time as you and your DW. I totally feel you with the “feeling left behind”. I’ve even un-subscribed to Babycenter because it was starting to feel like they were rubbing it in. Lol.

  6. Oh that left behind feeling… That paragraph was written as though you were in my brain! My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and had 11 IUIs so far. My insurance won’t cover ivf until we have had 12 unsuccessful IUI attempts. In the mean time, two of my sisters just announced their pregnancies and about every third person I come in contact with is in some stage of pregnancy or newborn-ness. The pain of what feels like a thousand Facebook pregnancy announcements is sometimes (ok, often) painful and overwhelming. The long and short of this is just to say… You are not alone on feeling left behind!

  7. I think that once you start feeling like you probably identify with the ‘infertile’ label, it’s too late to go back. Even once you’re pregnant (and I hope very strongly that you will be, and soon!) and start to think, ‘oh, it wasn’t really THAT long that I was trying. It wasn’t like those women who try for 10 years or anything’ you (I) still get irrationally angry at innocent straight people and their oops facebook announcements and blithe comments about looking funny at their husbands and getting pregnant. I think it just opens your eyes to a world that most people don’t see because they haven’t had to be there, and you can’t really shut them again after that. I will tell you, though, that the waiting and agony feels distant really quickly, so there’s that. I love your theses comment. And your hot wife/bulldog/squidgy nephew pic! I hope the metformin is what it takes!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s