There is a lot to think about right now, and a lot that could change between today and next Monday. The hugeness of all of it is permeating our lives and yet, its taken some of the anxiety out of the process, for the time being. That’s the best explanation that I have, anyway. 

I am finished with round two of clomid, 100mg of pure hormonal turbulence. At least this go round it was obvious to everyone that the tears and defensiveness and weird emotional reactions were drug induced, not generated by my own poor emotional regulation. Still, there’s nothing like feeling emotionally inept at 32 to really crystallize how much you must want a baby.

A week into metformin and its . . .ok. I was anticipating dramatic and awful stomach issues, but what I’ve gotten is pain and difficulty just enough to make me feel annoyed and run down, but not enough to be a real baby about. I’m hoping this means it will subside soon and be a total non issue. For now, I’m in enough pain to be regularly reminded that I am, in fact, taking the medication as I should. But I’m getting along with my days too.

Tomorrow, BFF goes in to get the repeat semen analysis and I go in for a day 13 follicle ultrasound. The timing of these two events is not ideal, to state the obvious. It seems that regardless of the outcome of the SA, we are likely to go ahead with an IUI using BFF this cycle, since it will be too late to get another donor on board and I would rather a shitty chance than no chance at all. Perhaps its a sense of resignation that has us so calm.

Thanks to a truly exceptional therapist, La and I were able to come to what could be called a ‘solution’ to the donor issue. A strategy, our therapist said. And we are in agreement, at least on the big details. If BFF’s morphology improves pretty significantly, we keep moving forward (of course, there are questions to answer like, ‘for how long?’ and ‘under what circumstances?’); if BFF’s morphology hasn’t improved, we move on to another donor (with questions remaining like, ‘who?’ and ‘how?’) What remains somewhat unclear is how we will proceed if there has been a slight improvement. Its unfortunate that this seems the most likely result, right? The fact that we have two out of three paths forward defined gives me some hope for determining the third.

This is the part of every cycle that is meaty with hope, though – even in the face of so much unknown, even with the reality of the whole ‘Plan’ cascading into paths we didn’t know existed. And answers should be forthcoming. Like usual, I’m never sure if I want them or not.


3 thoughts on “

  1. Oh goodness, I am curious to see how it all pans out, too. I hated the way clomid made me feel. I hope this is the last time you ever have to take it, for good reason. 🙂

  2. I hope you get to feeling better and your donor stuff gets straightened out. I’m sure it’s not the easiest decision to make!! Hang in there, I’m still very much rooting for you!

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