Confessions.

I have a confession: I took a pregnancy test last night. 

I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because I started getting the kind of cramps I associate with bleeding. Maybe because I just wanted to know. Maybe because I actually thought I might get to carry around a happy secret all to myself for a few days. I don’t know. I did it and I feel bad because I didn’t tell La and that’s such an asshole move.

It was negative, of course. I mean, there are good non-indicative reasons for that: it was 11DPIUI and not first morning urine. And, of course, no conclusion can be drawn yet. But, it still feels miserable, which makes me wonder once again why I decided to do what I did.

The test I bought was a cheap store brand, the kind with blue dye and a plus sign for pregnancy, the kind that all the boards say are notorious for false positives or dye runs or indents or whatever. After I waited the requisite 5  minutes and nothing appeared, I tore the test apart and looked in every crevice and from every angle for something, anything. It seems like all kinds of women get those dumb dye runs or indents or whatever, or at least the damned baby center board is full of pictures of them. And maybe it sounds stupid but I fucking want that. Even if it isn’t real. I want that level of hope for a day or two. I want a test that I could squint at and maybe make something out. I have never seen anything but stark, white, nothing. There has never been a glimmer, a pool, a whisper, a hint. 

Its dumb, I know, to want something so silly. And maybe its foolish to feel so miserable when there is still time for a line to appear. Maybe I’m being self indulgent. If so, I guess I’ll have to eat some crow and apologize for being so morose. More tomorrow.

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7 thoughts on “Confessions.

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  1. I understand this all too well. I wanted that glimmer, too. And then I got it in the form of a false positive on a clearblue test. I’ve never been so devastated in my life. Sometimes the glimmers, if they don’t shine, SUCK. I hope you get your positive – your REAL positive – in a day or two.

  2. Oh sweetie, you should not ever give apologies for your emotions, this is your journey! This is your emotions! This is your space! Don’t ever say your sorry. I hope you get a real positive, I don’t know if you will, but I will hold your hope for you! ❤

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Raising Race Conscious Children

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Another Day, Another Memory

A blog about life, love, and everything in between.

Bringing Up Gaybies

A Gay Dad's Approach to Parenting

Captain Awkward

Advice. Staircase Wit. Faux Pas. Movies.

Adventures in Lesbian Parenting

Two moms just trying to raise TWO teenagers

the snearses

some vegetables, some cats

The MD & Me

~ my not so glamorous but oh so blessed life ~

Star In Her Eye

raising a rare girl

Mama et Maman

A blog about two moms trying to conceive

Becoming Mommy and Mama

Two ladies on a baby adventure

YoungIVFerChantelle

My journey to get my Miracle.

single ma in siberia

a single Australian queer's TTC quest/ parenthood journey

babamimi

"Your family needs a reality TV show"

Our Egg, Her Nest?

My journey to Motherhood through gestational surrogacy

Raising Race Conscious Children

a resource for talking about race with young children

Three Hearts Beating

Two lesbian mamas make some queer spawn...

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