Its shocking to me how quickly I can go from elated or at least buoyantly happy to dragging misery. Its always the damn consults with the doctor that get me down in the dumps.
This morning I had my ‘official’ IVF consult, which was not so very much different from the “new patient consult” I had in November, except that it was slightly more specific and included a different power point slideshow – this one with shots of embryos and needle aspiration instead of just bar charts with success rates.
But the first thing we talked about was my damned TSH. The TSH that went from a mostly well regulated 3 in October to 7 – 7! – at yesterday’s blood check. For the uninformed among my readers, a normal non-TTC TSH level is between 1-5, with a normal TTC level between 1-2. I’ve been slowly sinking from a 5 at my pre-conception check a year and a half ago, and had made it all the way down to 3. And then, because western medicine had figured out how to outsmart my body’s other bullshit tricks (like not ovulating, for example) – my thyroid decides to go and pull this kind of nasty trick.
The doc has switched me over to Synthroid, the name brand thyroid drug (I’ve been on a generic for years) and upped my dose. This will hopefully get my thyroid in check quickly – because whether this IUI works or we have to move on to IVF, I need a thyroid that is working appropriately – to avoid miscarriage, ensure good egg quality, and generally be a happy and healthy person.
But what I am feeling the most exquisite misery about right now is the looming stretch of time between now and maybe pregnancy, and how my damned thyroid is just making that horizon tinier and tinier.
The best case is, of course, that this IUI works and we get knocked up! Bonus awesome/depressing point – if we DID get pregnant, our due date would be my 33rd birthday.
The next best case, if we don’t get pregnant this cycle, is that my TSH is back down to a reasonable level at my next period. If that’s the case, we start birth control and stims at the end of February and have an egg retrieval sometime near the end of March. Because of my PCOS, the RE wants to freeze all embryos and do a FET later on – the earliest would probably be the end of May or beginning of June. Which feels impossibly far away already.
But if my thyroid doesn’t play along? Well, add in at least another month . . .maybe more . . .July? August? Who knows. It all just sounds like ‘forever away’ right now.
And yes, I KNOW that in the great gift of retrospect, this year . . .two . . .it won’t matter. I know that once I have a baby (however I have that baby) I will forget how each day felt like a plodding eternity, I won’t remember the minutes seeping into hours that had no real meaning or end, it will all be a blur where time becomes meaningless.
But right now, I am in the middle of endless time, and right now, 6 months until I might be pregnant feels like the equivalent of never.