From 0 to Shitty

Its shocking to me how quickly I can go from elated or at least buoyantly happy to dragging misery. Its always the damn consults with the doctor that get me down in the dumps.

This morning I had my ‘official’ IVF consult, which was not so very much different from the “new patient consult” I had in November, except that it was slightly more specific and included a different power point slideshow – this one with shots of embryos and needle aspiration instead of just bar charts with success rates.

But the first thing we talked about was my damned TSH. The TSH that went from a mostly well regulated 3 in October to 7 – 7! – at yesterday’s blood check. For the uninformed among my readers, a normal non-TTC TSH level is between 1-5, with a normal TTC level between 1-2. I’ve been slowly sinking from a 5 at my pre-conception check a year and a half ago, and had made it all the way down to 3. And then, because western medicine had figured out how to outsmart my body’s other bullshit tricks (like not ovulating, for example) – my thyroid decides to go and pull this kind of nasty trick. 

The doc has switched me over to Synthroid, the name brand thyroid drug (I’ve been on a generic for years) and upped my dose. This will hopefully get my thyroid in check quickly – because whether this IUI works or we have to move on to IVF, I need a thyroid that is working appropriately – to avoid miscarriage, ensure good egg quality, and generally be a happy and healthy person.

But what I am feeling the most exquisite misery about right now is the looming stretch of time between now and maybe pregnancy, and how my damned thyroid is just making that horizon tinier and tinier. 

The best case is, of course, that this IUI works and we get knocked up! Bonus awesome/depressing point – if we DID get pregnant, our due date would be my 33rd birthday. 

The next best case, if we don’t get pregnant this cycle, is that my TSH is back down to a reasonable level at my next period. If that’s the case, we start birth control and stims at the end of February and have an egg retrieval sometime near the end of March. Because of my PCOS, the RE wants to freeze all embryos and do a FET later on – the earliest would probably be the end of May or beginning of June. Which feels impossibly far away already.

But if my thyroid doesn’t play along? Well, add in at least another month . . .maybe more . . .July? August? Who knows. It all just sounds like ‘forever away’ right now.

And yes, I KNOW that in the great gift of retrospect, this year . . .two . . .it won’t matter. I know that once I have a baby (however I have that baby) I will forget how each day felt like a plodding eternity, I won’t remember the minutes seeping into hours that had no real meaning or end, it will all be a blur where time becomes meaningless.

But right now, I am in the middle of endless time, and right now, 6 months until I might be pregnant feels like the equivalent of never. 


21 thoughts on “From 0 to Shitty

  1. it is a VERY good thing that the doctor is suggesting freezing because of PCOS. The risk of OHSS is much higher with people who have PCOS and you don’t want to do a transfer then. I’m hoping for the best for you as always!

    • I’m so glad this comment included a link to your blog. I’m excited to troll through your past entries and get to know your story!
      Thanks for the empathy. I’m feeling less melancholy about it all now. A little perspective is a beautiful thing.

  2. I’m with ya girl! The waiting is oh so hard. I’ve been playing the long term waiting game on and off (mostly on) since I lost our last baby in Mar 12. At least it’s only 2 more months now (if everything goes to plan). I think having a concrete date is what makes it bearable. I also hear you on the thyroid issues. Due to my anti thyroid antibodies I fluctuate between hyper and hypo thyroid which sucks. I’m off to get hypnotherapy for my needle phobia this week then am off for bloods to see where mine is at. Because I’ve had no horizon in sight since Manaaki left last April, I haven’t subjected myself to anymore blood tests, but is time to go and see where my antibodies & TSH is at. Scary! Xx
    PS – will you email me re Facebook if you want to connect: pepibebeblogger at g of the mail dot com

    • Thanks, girl. After reading all of these comments, I feel like a real brat for being so whiny. At least we have a plan! I know you have been waiting with glacial patience – and I am impressed and also so sad. Why can’t all of this just, you know, work? I will def e-mail you! I didn’t like having my full name up in comments so I pulled it, but we will make this FB thing happen!

  3. I hear you. My wife and I were all set to have our first try in a month (tests all done, timed for a Nov birth), then boom- I got laid off Friday. :-/ I also lack a concrete date for when we can start trying (likely not until I get a new job and am employed for a couple months). It will be worth the wait though.

  4. I know how you feel. We had already started our BCP’s in prep for IVF when my cortisol, TSH, and prolactin levels decided to shoot up. They cancelled our cycle and sent me to an endocrinologist (3 month wait) who redid the bloodwork and said I was fine. Frustrating. The FET is a good idea for you though since you have PCOS. Good luck! I hope your thyroid gets its act together so you can make a baby!!!

    • Thanks. I’m feeling less like a shitty baby about it all now. Thanks for giving me some perspective (you and a lot of other folks!)

      • Your frustration is real. It makes you wish you could fast-forward time. It is so difficult because there are so many factors that we have no control over. But we’re all here for you. Hugs.

  5. I am so sorry Andie. I know everything you said about eventually being able to look back in retrospect is true, but it doesn’t make things suck less now. Waiting is the hardest part of TTC-ing, time moves fast and slow at the same time, and you feel like your life is on hold. Just know I have been rooting so hard for you since the beginning and will continue to send all the woo I can. Kick that thyroid’s butt back down to size!

  6. Waiting and jumping all of these hurdles is impossibly frustrating. It’s so difficult to wait for all of these things. K, too, had to go on Synthroid. The result was a good one and that’s what I’m hoping for for you, too!

  7. It’s crazy frustrating and we’ve had our share of hurdles and waiting. BUT….I promise it will all be worth it in the end, AND, once you have your baby and is old enough to comprehend how much he/she was wanted, you will understand just how worth it it was. Hugs!

  8. YES once you are pregnant the time will literally fly by and one day you won’t be pregnant anymore but holding your baby and going “Where the heck did you come from?!” I have heard that the generic thyroid meds don’t work as well as Synthroid, so I’m hoping this is the trick to getting your thyroid back on track. Keep your head up – it feels like forever right now, but you’ll soon have plenty to look forward to that will keep you busy!

  9. Hang in there, Andie. I know it will suck, the waiting, and stuff, but once you get that baby stuck in the belly, it will be so fast you won’t be able to contain the speed!

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