Hello from the magical land of birth control rage!
Right now, in this moment, the moment that is now, I’m ok. That’s because I’m alone, have been puking my guts up all day (and therefore am too busy feeling sorry for myself to have any other emotions) and still managed to get a lot of work done from my couch, and the bulldog is snoring and cute.
This has not necessarily been the case for the last week, although I have escaped actually doing or saying anything shitty to anyone. But I have REALLY wanted to, a lot of times, and on a few occasions my diplomatic words have had one hell of a sharp edge to them. Mostly, no one has noticed. The biggest issue is that I just kind of hate everyone all of the time, while simultaneously hating that I’m hating them. Does that make any sense at all? I’m irrationally annoyed by almost every human being (even the ones I adore) and I know that the annoyance is *actually* what I’m feeling but I’m still feeling it. So, you know, then I also feel crazy.
In between my bouts of generalized misanthropy, I go on crying jags about . . .oh, anything. Mostly babies being born or pregnancies being announced, duh . . .but also for many other forgettable and stupid reasons. I actually prefer the sobbing because at least I don’t feel like such an asshole.
As I mentioned, I’ve gotten a brief reprieve from the birth control feels because I’ve been dealing with food poisoning/stomach bug. Last night as I was driving to Costco to get dog food I suddenly started feeling sick and then got the emergency gonna puke warning signs just in time to pull off the highway and barf out the door. It was spectacular, in that I managed to not get any vomit on myself. I’ve had a few more incidents – all safely in the bathroom – but am starting to feel like
myself the monster I am again. The worst part (of the feeling pukey) is that La is away for work all week and so I had to hold my own hair back. (Just kidding, my hair is too short to be held back!) This is probably, overall, a good thing though because birth control rage does not a happy relationship make.
It does seem to be tapering off a bit, or I’m learning how to manage my lo ogester.ol emotions better. In any case, I’ve got two weeks to go so I had better get some coping mechanisms in place, stat.
In other news . . .
*How awesome was Melissa Harris-Perry’s story about IVF and surrogacy? I recommend all progressive infertiles run on over and read this!
*BFF and I are headed to our RN and Financial Appointment on Friday!
*Got the call from the pharmacy handling all of my meds . . .so that feels ‘real’ in the holyshithowmuchisthatgonnacost sense of ‘real’
And, with the nausea beginning to fade and the dogs playing loudly in the living room, I think its time for me to retreat back to my hatey-hole.