As you all saw, I popped my final BCP last night. Just in time to begin learning how to kind of handle myself on them too. Bummer!
And, while I think I did a pretty good job managing things on the devil’s pills, I can no longer say that my logesterol rampage was without casualties. Ooops.
To be fair, there was the comcast lady first. I called to activate our new modem (which we only needed because the old one – rented – had just stopped working.) I’m technologically saavy enough to know how to make a modem work and really all I needed was for the company to do their magic thing. Of course (with good reason) the customer service people generally assume that all callers have the lowest level of ability – which is probably usually a good assumption. But I was enraged by the rote and step by step process. So enraged that the original customer service agent actually stopped working with me and transferred me to someone else. I mean, like, my voice was shaking and I probably had some steam exiting my ears or something equally absurd. Once the call was over, I laid down on the couch and WEPT about what a bad person I was for being such a bitch to the customer service agent. It was bad.
But not as bad as yesterday. Because unlike the faceless call center employee, this transgression came at work.
I feel like I need to provide some context. Namely, the interaction occured with CrazyEyes, my office-mate, with whom I have a love/hate relationship. CrazyEyes coordinates the youth advocacy program and she is definitely good at what she does. She is also a funny, goofy person. AND she communicates and works in ways so vastly different from me that her best practices are, in fact, my kryptonite and vice versa. Arguably, we are good at our respective positions because we are so different. But it can make working together really fucking difficult.
So, CrazyEyes has a big event coming up in two weeks (it is, in fact, two days before my scheduled egg retrieval. Talk about stressful) which the entire staff is supporting. I am doing day of registration and logistics, because I am good at that shit. I have been asking for certain information for a while and not getting it, which has been frustrating. But I have done okay with the information procured from my other colleagues.
CrazyEyes is leaving her position. In fact, her last day is the day after the big event. She is moving to Canada to get married (surprisingly, a heterosexual union) to her Canadian fiancee. CrazyEyes has been in the LDR for the last year and has done a lot of travelling to Canada during that time (sometimes I’m unclear how she does so with her vacation time but . . .none of my business.) last week, CrazyEyes went to Canada for the week. The WHOLE week.
Now, *I* would not go on vacation for a week if my gigantic event was three weeks away. I also wouldn’t let anyone I supervise do that but . . .whatever. Point being, a lot of stuff got put on hold because she wasn’t around. It made life hard and anxious. Yesterday was her first day back and I was chomping at the bit to get the information I needed.
It was poor timing for me to ask about things while we were waiting for our coffee at SBux. It was poor judgement for me to continue asking her questions after she’d said, “Ugh I just got back. I’ll get it to you when I get it to you.” It was REALLY bad judgement of me to, at some point, say “Sorry you’re stressed out. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone on a week long vacation right before a huge event.”
She reacted in the defensive way I have come to expect, and retaliated in kind – finally saying that she didn’t owe me or anyone else anything and that she could leave her job tomorrow if she wanted to. I ended things before they got really ugly and said I needed to take a walk.
Which is when she yelled, “yeah. think about all your bad decisions on your WALK!”
I swear I felt the beast rise up inside of my chest and I was about a millisecond from unleashing some serious verbal wrath when I saw my colleagues out of the corner of my eye and thought better of it. Instead I walked away.
Today we met with our executive director to talk things over. Mostly, I wanted to figure out how to get through the next two weeks. CrazyEyes wanted to rehash all of the ways I hurt her feels (but none of her own bad behaviors.) Knowing that I screwed up, I apologized and said I’d like to move forward. Specifically, I apologized for the specific shitty things I said.
CrazyEyes wanted to not only clarify all of the shitty things I did yesterday, but also the backlog of things I have ever done. Luckily, our ED was having none of this nonsense and, eventually, we were able to work through and get a plan in place. CrazyEyes made sure to get in lots of little digs during her talking times. She also was able to non apologize multiple times.
Please, if you are in a conversation with someone who you’ve had a bad interaction with, either ACTUALLY apologize (ex: I’m sorry I said you were a douchebag) or DON’T apologize (ex: You are still a douchebag.) The non-apology is the most infuriating thing on earth (ex: I’m sorry you’re feelings got hurt when I called you a douchebag.) And fuck your intent, ok? Cause (with some exceptions) no one INTENDS to be a selfish asshole. But we are, all the time. Because that is part of the fun game called human interaction.
So . . .basically: Birth control pills make me a ragey asshole but I still want *some* points because I could have been a full scale harpy you guys, and I wasn’t.
Also, please send many prayers that I will be able to continue sharing an office space with this woman for the next two weeks while also injecting myself twice daily with massive amounts of hormones. (shit.)
The upside to all of this is that I have decided that for Lent, I am giving up needing to be right.
Let’s get real, its not gonna be an easy one. But what I realized during this interaction was that even though CrazyEyes is totally unable to hear me, respect me, or apologize to me as a human being – I still have to show up as the human being I want to be. I want to apologize and be accountable regardless of whether she is going to smugly smile and not at all engage in the same process.
Clearly I’m really doing well on this. Good thing I don’t have to actually start until tomorrow.
Which reminds me: Happy Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday/Shrove Tuesday! Eat a donut, pancake, packzi, fashnacht or other pre-lenten pastry!