Stim Day 2 and I am surprisingly calm

Ok ok! The IVF train has officially left the station!

On Friday I had my baseline ultrasound and suppression check. No cysts, and hormone levels looked ‘good.’ I got the official green light phone call from my nurse. She said, ‘are you ready? Your body sure is!” which, I’ll be honest, kind of creeped me out a little. But, whatever.

Saturday morning was shot #1. La’s mom was in town this weekend to see La’s show (she comes out everytime La is in a show which is just ridiculously adorable and sweet) and we had Liam overnight on Friday, so it was a full house for shot #1. I definitely got the weird anxiety/adreneline shakes while I was getting everything ready and did it all kinds of out of order, but in the end, I got the vial of menop.ur mixed with the dilutant and into my thigh.

Last night was folli.stim injection #1, a slightly more horrowing experience. La and her mom had left for the show already so I was alone, which wouldn’t have been a huge deal, except that the process was significantly more complicated than the morning shot. The only available folli.stim (according to my nurse, anyway) is in the subcutaneous injection pen, so that’s what I have. But, they want me to take it intramuscularly. So, my nurse instructed me to dial up my dose in the pen, then ‘inject’ the pen into an IM needle. So that’s what I did. She warned me it would be a ‘very small’ amount. And it was. It was, in fact, such a tiny amount that I felt fairly certain it got lost in the needle and didn’t get into my thigh. I ended up sticking myself three times in an attempt to get it in there and I’m still not sure it worked.

This morning, I started full on bleeding. Is this supposed to happen? I don’t know. When I think about it from the BCP perspective, it makes perfect sense to get a period now. But my entire understanding of cycles and what is ‘normal’ has gone out the window. 

But I don’t think either of these things qualify as ’emergencies’ so I have decided not to call the emergency nurse line. Is that silly? I did send an e-mail to my nurse tonight, and expect she’ll get back to me tomorrow first thing. For tonight’s follis.tim injection, after trying the process again of injecting from pen into IM needle and seeing *nothing* emerge from the needle when depressing the plunger down with all the might I could, I decided to just use the pen to inject the dose subcutaneously. My logic is that they would likely prefer the medication to get to me in a less desirable way than not at all. 

So . . .that’s the IVF story so far. It already feels like NBD, which in and of itself feels weird. I have started to entertain those worst case scenario IVF thoughts that, until now, seemed to feel very foreign. Things like, what if none of the eggs are mature? what if they don’t fertilize? what if they stop growing? what if they don’t freeze or thaw? what if this doesn’t work?

I know it does me no good to dwell on these kinds of questions, and so I haven’t really engaged with them. But I’ve found them popping up every now and again, so I suppose I might as well acknowledge them.

The work conflict with Crazy Eyes has continued to wreck some general havoc on my work life. Crazy Eyes basically doesn’t acknowledge me and has found ways to make me feel generally unhuman in our interactions. I’ve put my head down and gotten to work, trying to not engage in her triangulation with other staff. I imagine it will remain awkward and uncomfortable until she leaves, but that’s really only this work week and a few days the next, and I’ll have lots of things to think about that are not her in that time too.

Ugh. what a boooooring post. Sorry y’all.

You should go watch Cosmos. That’s what I’m doing. It is way more interesting than me.

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