(I started this post on Friday and my computer died in the middle. I was too forlorn to give any f**ks at that point, so I just cut my losses.)
For those of you playing along at home, here’s today’s numbers:
Follicle Counts: 10 on each side, ranging from 6mm to 11mm on both sides.
BUT THIS DOESN’T MATTER. Or, it does, but it will be your last report for a bit.
Like most human beings, I am fairly confident in my ability to make shitty things happen by casually thinking about them. I am less sure of being able to make good things happen by consciously focus on them. Because of this, I do my best to just not think about possible outcomes and stay focused on factual data in front of me, so terrified am I of ruining something by pausing to consider a less than ideal outcome. I tell you this because, you guys, I did a REALLY GOOD JOB of not thinking about the possible bad things that could happen during this IVF process. I mean, sure, I considered a few things but I really didn’t dwell on them.
When Nurse T called me this afternoon, I knew it wasn’t good news. You can just tell, amiright? I knew she didn’t want to say whatever she had to say. So I listened carefully, waiting for the bomb to drop, as she explained that they looked at both the ultrasounds and hormone levels to assess what was going on. My follicles, she said, were numerous and seemed to be getting bigger at each ultrasound. But my estrogen, although doubling between Tuesday and Thursday, had failed to go up for Friday’s check. It had, in fact, gone down.
(I’m picking back up on Tuesday morning now.)
Estrogen going down, albeit only by a point, is not good news. It indicates that the follicles might be arresting. They tested my FSH as well (knowing this, I have a feeling that they suspected this might be a concern earlier than Friday) and found it very, very low. The conclusion? My body was not properly absorbing the foll.stim and meno.pur. The decision? To cancel the cycle and restart with a different protocol.
Delays suck, sure. There has already been so much waiting. And, of course, there is that same grief of the projected future. No more 2015 Aquarius. No more being pregnant by July. But, too, there is the disappointment that, once again, my body has failed to do what it should have done. Even in the face of powerful stimulation drugs and needles, my ovaries still can’t perform like they should.
Today, I am much more able to see the bigger picture. After Nurse T gave me the news, I immediately asked for the plan. What’s next? Not knowing, she told me she’d have the doctor call me or she would set up an appointment ASAP. About 20 minutes later, Dr. Awesome called and explained that, while she was also disappointed, she felt confident that continuing with stims at this point would lead to decreased quality eggs and/or fewer eggs and possibly lower quality embryos. And of course, it is far less heartbreaking to quit 6 days into stims than to have a shitty retreival or a failed transfer.
So, looking at the forest – this is a good decision. But down on the ground, it still feels crummy.
I started prov.era on Friday night – a godsend as far as I’m concerned – which means I should get a period by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week (assuming I respond to the pro.vera similar to how I have before.) Then back on birth control – although, after I mentioned feeling like a demon harpy on pills, Dr. Awesome decided to let me use a nuvar.ing instead – for probably three-ish weeks. And then stims again. This time, we will be using a longer needle, likely some different meds, and I will be getting the shots in the deltoid muscle. Which means a couple of things:
1) La now has no choice about giving me shots. I can’t do them myself in that location. She has approximately 5 weeks to deal with this new reality.
2) The stim phase is gonna hurt. real bad. (I’m not just guessing on this. Dr. Awesome told me it would.)
So, that all sucks, but again – short term suck, longer term better outcomes. I should have a new calendar and details on protocol when I get my period. Once again, I request bloody thoughts and prayers.
In Other News:
- One of our chickens, Rose, developed a significant limp on Saturday morning (prompting La to meodramaticly cry, “What else can go wrong?”) and we ended up having to take her to the chicken doctor. Chicken doctor told us that its either A) a pulled muscle and inflammation in the joint or B) a terrible chicken cancer virus that causes paralysis. With that hopeful outlook, we are currently giving her some medication, keeping her separate from the flock, and assessing. She has been putting more weight on it each day, so we are hopeful its option A. Its hard to be a farmer.
- I made it through the big event, and am almost finished with having Crazy Eyes as a coworker. Ultimately, like it often does, the pressure of a huge event put some of the bullshit behind us. So, while I can’t say I’ll miss working with her, per se, I do wish her well and feel less resentful about the whole thing.
So, its back to waiting. Time for a new timeline to imagine living in to. But, it’s ok.