Driving away from my meeting this morning, I realized that I had successfully crossed the final hurdle in many weeks worth of them, and I was finally looking at a whole lot of nothing-pressing in my life for the next small while. I took a big breath and felt so very fine. I also enjoyed a moment of being impressed with my ability to get through the marathon in rather good spirits. Life is feeling pretty awesome right now.
In addition to producing and having almost 60 eggs harvested from my body (which turned into a mere 9 embryos . . .I have feelings about that when the numbers are so clearly laid out), I also wrote a submitted a grant proposal for my organization’s largest chunk of funding, prepared for and sat through a day long site visit with that same funder, wrote a 20 page report on sexual health education in one of the state’s largest school district, including extensive recommendations, sat in a meeting with the administration of said district and docilely handled their critiques and edits of said report, hosted a happy hour event attended by an NPR reporter, and drove a few hours to another big school district to successfully court their participation in my program. I’d like to say I’m not bragging but I’m totally fucking bragging.
And I’m bragging because I have not always been able to manage my work life and my infertility life quite so well, at least not in conjunction. Because I can only remember last summer as one long, hot, weepy season of disappointment and while I’m sure I showed up to work and half assed my way through it, I couldn’t tell you what I managed to actually accomplish during that time, except feeling extraordinarily sorry for myself. I’ve tried not to dwell or beat myself up about this because, well . . .it happens. And sometimes we can’t be on the ball about every thing, and sometimes our jobs take the backseat to our feelings. But I’m glad that things are different now, and I hope I can continue to show up to all of the parts of my life.
There is nothing to report on the baby making front . . .maybe in a week and a half when I get my uterine testing done, I’ll have something to report back on. Right now, my primary thoughts are: 1) please let me continue to be a good person while on the nuva.ring and 2) what in actual fuck do you mean I can’t have ANY caffeine for 72 hours before my uterine testing?