This post isn’t about fertility or pregnancy or anything even remotely related except that, of course, you don’t always get what you want when you’re trying to get pregnant, either.
For the first time in 10 days, I can smell things and dob’t have a wedge of mucous plugging my face, so predictably I’m in the foulest mood yet. Not entirely sure what’s up with that, but I’m just trying to accept where I’m at.
Two things happened, one to me and the other to Hero, that have the same lesson, just learned in different ways. And that’s what I’m thinking about. By which I mean, how easy it is to see the point of life in someone else’s hardship, but not necessarily your own.
So, Hero* (who has not, until now, had consistant pseudo blog name – this is my bestie who has won a lot of money gambling and I went to Vegas with last spring and who has been an all around Fertility Girl Friday) and I have been friends for 10+ years now. During this time, Hero has had two significant GF’s, and two significant break-ups, both of which were catastrophic life events for her. She is a brilliant, kind, wonderful human but also kind of co-dependent (and, if you’re into enneagram stuff, she’s SUCH A TWO.)** She is generally a serial monogamist, and La and I have been trying to get her more into the casual dating scene as a sort of life-coaching exercise. In between catastrophic break-ups and co-dependent relationships, she has had a couple of casual things with some of the most bat shit crazy women in Colorado. One of them she has continued a friendship with, despite it continuing to be just plain weird, although they aren’t dating or sleeping together, so I guess it technically isn’t a problem.
A few weeks ago, Hero was out for drinks with this woman (we’ll call her CC for Cray-Cray,) and they ran into a friend of CC’s most recent ex. The woman joined them and they all ended up having a lovely time. When they left, New Girl, who I’ll call Smokey, sent a text to CC asking if Hero was single. CC, because she is cray, immediately begin flirting with Smokey. But, Smokey only had eyes for Hero, and thus CC was swiftly eliminated as Smokey persued Hero. I was excited about Smokey because I have been trying to get Hero to quit engaging with CC for a year to no avail. Plus, Hero deserved to be treated well *AND* getting laid, and it seemed like Smokey might be the one to have both of those things happen.
Alas, it was not to be so. I won’t go into the details, but suffice to say that Smokey and CC might make the better match. After a few weeks of ooey-gooey sacharrine love during which Hero was completely MIA, Smokey began pulling some serious mind-fuck business on my bestie, which lasted another few weeks. Bringing us to last night, when Hero showed up at out house at 11:30pm asking if she could stay over because Smokey had been a real asshole and she needed a place to stay.
This morning, Hero was sad but also relieved to be rid of the manipulation. But, she said – she wanted closure. Smokey had done a 180 attitude change last night and launched into some form of crazy that Hero didn’t understand. Hero wanted to understand. “You are NOT going to understand” I told Hero. There will be no closure.
Today, I had a call with the funder of my program about my renewal request. This funder has, for the past three years, given me drastically different feedback and direction about my program with every annual report. To be fair, the ‘funder’ is actually the coordinating foundation for a group of other funds coming in, which makes them less murcurial and more middle-management. At every turn, I have been responsive and cheery about changing things up. I feel like I have whiplash from the amount of times they have ‘changed their strategic’ direction, but I keep playing along because we need the $150K they give my program. We applied for another three years of funding, and were told there were ‘concerns’ about whether we’d met our goals. Which is absurd. We’ve met our goals. By which I mean, I said we will do X and then we did X. But, whatever. As I was preparing for the call, during which I knew I was going to have to set mid-year benchmarks, because they were going to split our funding (basically, cut one check then, if we are meeting goals, cut the other) my colleague came in and asked about it. What do you need to feel ok about it, she asked, so you can move on?
“I just want them to be accountable to having co-signed on everything we’ve done. I want them to admit we have met our goals, we just haven’t met the goals they might have hoped we set. But they approved it. And everytime they said jump, I jumped. Every time they said change direction, I turned on a time. I just want them to admit if this is a ‘screw up’ that they screwed up too.”
And she said, you’re not going to get that. You are not going to get closure.
Ah yes, the intersection of learning. I’m so pithy and blithe telling my friend to get over it. Not so easy when its my turn, is it? Oh, I have convinced myself that I am better at letting things happen now, thanks to this great journey into powerlessness known as infertility. But its much easier to relinquish power when its your ovaries not ovulating. When people don’t do what I think they should/I am owed/what is right . . .well, that’s a whole different story.
The call went fine, by the way. They liked my benchmarks and congratulated me for my work. I continue to feel confused. I continue to want explanation. I will continue to NOT GET IT. Me and Hero. And you. All of us.
I just hope we do, actually, sometimes get what we need. Cause otherwise, seriously, F the Rolling Stones for lying.
*I’m calling her Hero because her last name sounds suspiciously sandwich like, and Hoagie seems kind of frumpy, don’t you think?
**If You ARE into ennegram stuff can we talk? Cause I so am! If you’re NOT, check out the link because it is the best ‘personality’ classification system EVAR. I’m an eight, by the way.