I thought about/started about 3 different blogs since last I updated you about cleaning up feces. There’s been a lot to think about, and, though lots of it is only tangentially related to the getting pregnant process, I think it bears recording here. But then I get overwhelmed at the thought of trying to blog it all appropriately and stop. But it stays, swirling around in my head.
So, I’m writing it down . . .knowing that many (all?) of you may not care to read about any or all of this. But, I will do some bullet points and bolding to help you sort the somewhat overblown interpersonal drama from the stuff I think is more broadly relevant to a TTC/IF audience. . .
- Shared Parenting and Body Autonomy: Last Saturday, La and I went to brunch with two friends, one of whom is our badass lawyer friend who does a lot of birth work advocacy and is a huge home birth advocate. We were talking out the FET and my desire for our pregnancy and birth to be far less medicalized than our conception process has been. RadLaw suggested a home birth, which La and I have talked about and pretty much agreed isn’t the best choice for us. I mentioned our concerns about homebirth, some of which RadLaw was able to assuage, which mostly made me go “hmmm” (and not jump on board with a home birth. PS I’m not even pregnant remember?) Later that night, La told me she felt like we’d all ‘ganged up’ on her about homebirth and she ‘really needed me to be on her side.’ And then I freaked out (which should be at least 1/3 attributed to BCPs) because yes, this will be La’s baby – they are her little frozen embryos – but its still my body. And I’m struggling with how to make that work. I mean, practically and in application, I’m not worried about it. I feel 100% confident La will support me and I will do what I need to, but in the discussion and the debating what/how to do things, its murkier. Obviously, this is hugely connected to a much bigger issue, which is that La feels pretty left out of the process. Some of that is just the breaks around the type of queer baby making we are doing (vs. reciprocal IVF) and some of it is because we made the (now regrettable) decision to not quarantine BFF’s sperm and thus present, in some respects, as though BFF and I are a hetero couple, which means that although La comes to the important appointments that a partner would (and will continue to) she isn’t seen for who/what she is. This is hard on both of us, but more so on her. If we could go back and do it again, we’d both be more honest and up front about the situation. But, we can’t go back. And that’s hard. I’m encouraging her to seek out other non gestational parents (particularly those who do want to carry at some point) to talk through some of this. I’m trying to be as open and involve her as much as possible, but there is the reality of biology in this circumstance, and it complicates things. And its hard on every side, but its a different hard for each of us. And that makes this difficult.
- Everyone should be in therapy. I mean, obviously, its not that I am going to try and get some mandate and of course, this would be qualified with high quality and appropriate but . . .seriously, if you are queer and trying to have a baby or if you are infertile or if you are, you know, human you should probably be in therapy. I feel really grateful that long before La and I ever made our first attempt, we agreed to start seeing a couple’s counselor about the process. La and I are, as I have often said, about as perfect for each other as two flawed human beings can get. We communicate well, rarely disagree, have so much fun, and basically never ‘fight.’ But we wanted to make sure things stayed awesome through the process of trying and then having a baby (we didn’t realize we’d get stuck so long and experience so much difficulty on the trying part.) So, armed with a referral, we went to see the Priestess, our fabulous counselor. And while I am reasonably sure that La and I would still be together without her, I’m even more sure that she has made this process one that is meaningful and livable and not just plain shitty. I’m shocked I haven’t mentioned before all of the times that she has turned something hard into something wonderful in this process. I’m reminded of this, and mentioning it in this post, because last week she did it again, worked her magic. The most amazing thing is that The Priestess hasn’t necessarily taught me and La how to agree (there are things we still don’t see eye to eye on, or things we continue to feel differently about) but she’s taught us how to love and exist and move forward even when we don’t. Because you can’t always agree, you can’t always even compromise. I am so very grateful for her warmth and wisdom and also for how open and thoughtful she is, how open to all of the various possibilities of being and loving that there are in the world. That’s all.
- When Your Best Friend is being Dumb. So, you may recall a while ago when I mentioned my bestie, Hero, and her recent relationship woes. This is an update to that, which then kind of disintegrates into one of the hardest interpersonal things I’ve had to deal with in years. And I am totally asking for advice if you have it. Keep that in mind as we move forward.
So . . .Hero and Smokey broke up and Hero came and spent two days with me and La and she was sad and crying and hurt but she seemed ok. Smokey had been a real d-bag and Hero dodged a bullet, it seemed we could all agree. On the second day of Hero’s stay, she started complaining of serious joint pain, and ended up deciding to go home because she was feeling so physically crappy. I kept checking in with her, and she kept reporting that the pain was increasing, horrible, and debilitating. We were all terrified that it was lupus or lyme disease or something even scarier. Because she was feeling so crummy, we didn’t make plans, but I kept checking in with her daily, asking how she was.
Two weeks post break up and joint pain onset, I was flying home from my work trip to DC, and Hero called. She filled me in on the tests that had been run, her doctor’s guesses (there weren’t many) and how she was feeling. And then she said, “I want to tell you something, and I’m not sure how you’ll react.” Of course, she and Smokey were seeing each other again. In fact, Hero had been staying at Smokey’s house for almost a week at that point. I was, without question, peeved. I didn’t mention the details, but Smokey definitely pulled some red flag shit on my friend AND had the audacity to say something shitty about La and I after we’d been nothing but fun and sweet and awesome to her. I even ate her awful charbroiled steak. Eww. I said as much to Hero, but also was in the process of boarding a plane, so we didn’t get into it.
I got home and talked to La about it and concluded that I was more than peeved, I was angry. And hurt. I was hurt that the person who calls me her best friend hadn’t mentioned that she’d gotten back together with someone for two weeks which kinda feels like lying since I’d been talking to her every day during that time. But also, Hero had gone back to someone who had done manipulative and borderline abusive things to her. (I am not being hyperbolic and have my own unfortunate abusive relationship experience to draw on here. Bummer.) Which would suck enough if she hadn’t done it before. So, so many times.
Since Hero and I became friends, during my junior year of college, I have seen her through a lot of pretty intense break-ups. Not long after we met, her first GF dumped her and she went through depression so intense she wrecked her car, dropped out for a semester, and basically stopped eating. But the last major relationship, which ended about three years ago, took the cake. The woman was Hero’s boss when they started dating (trouble), an active alcoholic who cheated on Hero repeatedly with a man, including having two abortions from pregnancies resulting from the affair, and gave Hero an STD, also courtesy of the gem of a dude she was fooling around with. She also lied to Hero about all of this, even when Hero felt reasonably sure she was getting screwed around. But Hero went back again, and again, and again. Of course, the only thing that worked to end the relationship was when the woman finally ended it. Otherwise, I feel fairly certain Hero would still be in the thick of it. Throughout all of this, I was the recipient of tearful calls, I talked her down off many theoretical ledges, I bore the brunt of support. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I have my own co-dependent shit to work on, obviously.
Which is what I’m trying to do. After Hero told me she was back with Smokey, we had a conversation where I basically said I can’t watch you get back into another relationship with someone who treats you like shit, I don’t want to see or be around or really even hear about Smokey, and also I feel really weird about all of this. She listened, cried, and told me she needed to process. Then I basically didn’t hear from her for two weeks. We talked again on Tuesday, and it was predictably awkward and awful.
I don’t know what to do . . .I don’t want to hear about this woman, who I point blank don’t trust AND I don’t feel legit about telling my friend she can’t talk about something happening in her life. So what do I do? How do I hold my ground and protect myself from having to watch my friend enter another fucked up relationship while also conceding that its her life and I have no control over what (or who) she does?
So . . .That’s the haps. Oh yeah, I start lupron tonight. Big whoop.
Friendship advice officially solicited. Thanks y’all.