This Time Last Year

Every so often (especially when I’m the only one in the office on a slow and sleepy Friday afternoon) I like to look back on my blog archives and see precisely where we were at a year (or so) ago. Of course, I remember the general shape of this journey, from hopeful deep mid-winter to struggling spring to the longest, hottest and saddest summer, and then the downward slide into fertility treatments that has been the fall-winter-spring-almost summer again. (BTW, I know that the length and shape of my journey is so much shorter than so many others, so I am not trying to bemoan our experience. And I do really dislike the misery competition, anyway.) But I am so glad that I began this blog (Nov 2012) so that I could more firmly capture the things I thought and felt during this process. Especially when they are even farther away. 

And, of course, I do enjoy when there is some parity between the now and the then. There is a little, my recent forays back in time showed. 

A year ago this week I got my period following our 5th attempt at DIY home insemination. La and I were getting ready to take a very belated honeymoon to Cancun. And I was beginning to feel not just disappointed but devastated when the tests stayed so solidly, heartlessly lineless. But still I said,

I still believe that a year from now, I will have a baby. I am letting this co-exist with the many other layers that seem in contridiction.

Of course, I do not have a baby, a year on. In fact, in many ways, I am no closer to having one than I was a year ago, although that is both technically and metaphorically untrue, as we have 5 frozen embryos, possibly the first time my eggs and BFF’s sperm have successfully met, hung out, and started a little thing together. But I don’t feel stupid or sad at year-ago-me. I feel grateful for my hope. 

Other parallels? On July 2nd last year, we saw the OB and started down the path of fertility treatments – on July 2nd of this year, we will officially begin our FET cycle. On July 17th of last year, I got my period, ending our 6th and final DIY try – the try to prove the numbers wrong. We knew BFF’s morphology was shit, but I still didn’t have an official PCOS diagnosis. On July 17th of this year, we will – please, please – be putting one chromosomally normal day 5 embryo into my uterus. Are those actually as poetically linked as I want them to be? I don’t know, but everything is made significant by our particular lens anyway. . . and its good enough for me to imagine it means something.

Yesterday was lupr.on day 1 – nothing terribly exciting, except it means we are on our way towards the FET. I’ll finish up what I sincerely hope to be my last package of BCP’s ever on Monday night. Its still a lot of waiting but . . .at least there are a few things interspersed to look forward to . . .I mean, if a shot in the belly is something to look forward to – oh, who am I kidding? when you’re in IVF land, a shot in the belly is absolutely something to look forward to!

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5 thoughts on “This Time Last Year

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  1. I’ve been thinking a lot about it too because I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my endo removal surgery. It’s amazing what can happen (or not happen) in a year. I hope you’re on your last BCP’s ever too friend 🙂

  2. Hmmm I’ll go back and have a look where I was this time last year…I was probably depressed and not blogging lol…will pop back and update you if I find anything interesting. In other news – our donor heads back in for his repeat morphology test next Thursday. Praying that it comes out good this time. X

  3. It was a couple weeks from this time last year my biological clock just started ticking. Before it, my wife and I had both agreed on a foster-adopt kid without a particular time frame, but then *boom*, I went from not wanting a bio kid to not being opposed to a bio-kid, and then wanting one, and then looking into the foster-adopt process and realizing how hard it would be. And then a few months after reading various blogs I started my own. Wow, I haven’t accomplished that much in a year, only two unsuccessful tries. I don’t think I had any clear expectation of where I’d be in a year.

    You have a number of healthy embies that are going to be transferred 🙂

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My journey to get my Miracle.

single ma in siberia

a single Australian queer's TTC quest/ parenthood journey

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"Your family needs a reality TV show"

Our Egg, Her Nest?

My journey to Motherhood through gestational surrogacy

Raising Race Conscious Children

a resource for talking about race with young children

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Two lesbian mamas make some queer spawn...

Another Day, Another Memory

A blog about life, love, and everything in between.

Bringing Up Gaybies

A Gay Dad's Approach to Parenting

Captain Awkward

Advice. Staircase Wit. Faux Pas. Movies.

Adventures in Lesbian Parenting

Two moms just trying to raise TWO teenagers

the snearses

some vegetables, some cats

The MD & Me

~ my not so glamorous but oh so blessed life ~

Star In Her Eye

raising a rare girl

Mama et Maman

A blog about two moms trying to conceive

Becoming Mommy and Mama

Two ladies on a baby adventure

YoungIVFerChantelle

My journey to get my Miracle.

single ma in siberia

a single Australian queer's TTC quest/ parenthood journey

babamimi

"Your family needs a reality TV show"

Our Egg, Her Nest?

My journey to Motherhood through gestational surrogacy

Raising Race Conscious Children

a resource for talking about race with young children

Three Hearts Beating

Two lesbian mamas make some queer spawn...

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