It’s in. And it’s good: 701!
I misheard the number on Monday – it was actually 158, not 198. In any case, the difference between the two makes my doubling time 33 hours, which Dr. Google says is good. So, I’m gonna trust Dr. Google on this one. (I usually do when it’s good news.)
So I am feeling much relieved. Will my anxiety reappear closer to the ultrasound (scheduled for 7+1, on 8/18) I hope not, but I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep, either.
This – my anxiety about things – is starting to show up in my relationship with La, which isn’t great. I mean, shit dudes, we have been having a hard enough go of things for the last two years trying to get pregnant, things should be awesome now that we ARE, right?
The problem is, I can’t quite let go of my nagging anxiety (though it ebbs and flows and today it has receded quite far back) and La is on the other end of the spectrum – with a baby registry started already.
Neither is bad, neither is good. They are just the experiences we are having. But its hard to feel connected and united when our feelings aren’t in alignment. (also, if you’ll recall, we are forced to be off the sex until that ultrasound says its all good – two and a half more weeks!) And I WANT to be excited, and I AM excited – it’s just tempered with enough fear to make the joy feel a little off putting to my boo. Which I get. But also, I am having a hard time fully changing my feelings, as they aren’t so easily controlled.
That said, I felt confident enough to order (another) pregnancy journal – this one of the fill-in-the-blank variety instead of the gorgeous Nikki McClure artsy variety (I think I need both, but La might not concur) and am planning to stop by my favorite indie bookstore and purchase the Mayo clinic guide to pregnancy (as I’ve heard from many a reputable sources it’s better than What To Expect and also MORE BOOKS! ALL THE BOOKS!) And buying books about pregnancy instead of infertility is a sure sign I switched my research project brain over – a good indication I’m on board.
And I am – because Seafoam is growing like . . .an embryo! and I am feeling hella nauseated to prove it!