Beta #2 (or you can call it 4+7)

It’s in. And it’s good: 701!

I misheard the number on Monday – it was actually 158, not 198. In any case, the difference between the two makes my doubling time 33 hours, which Dr. Google says is good. So, I’m gonna trust Dr. Google on this one. (I usually do when it’s good news.)

So I am feeling much relieved. Will my anxiety reappear closer to the ultrasound (scheduled for 7+1, on 8/18) I hope not, but I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep, either.

This – my anxiety about things – is starting to show up in my relationship with La, which isn’t great. I mean, shit dudes, we have been having a hard enough go of things for the last two years trying to get pregnant, things should be awesome now that we ARE, right?

The problem is, I can’t quite let go of my nagging anxiety (though it ebbs and flows and today it has receded quite far back) and La is on the other end of the spectrum – with a baby registry started already.

Neither is bad, neither is good. They are just the experiences we are having. But its hard to feel connected and united when our feelings aren’t in alignment. (also, if you’ll recall, we are forced to be off the sex until that ultrasound says its all good – two and a half more weeks!) And I WANT to be excited, and I AM excited – it’s just tempered with enough fear to make the joy feel a little off putting to my boo. Which I get. But also, I am having a hard time fully changing my feelings, as they aren’t so easily controlled.ย 

That said, I felt confident enough to order (another) pregnancy journal – this one of the fill-in-the-blank variety instead of the gorgeous Nikki McClure artsy variety (I think I need both, but La might not concur) and am planning to stop by my favorite indie bookstore and purchase the Mayo clinic guide to pregnancy (as I’ve heard from many a reputable sources it’s better than What To Expect and also MORE BOOKS! ALL THE BOOKS!) And buying books about pregnancy instead of infertility is a sure sign I switched my research project brain over – a good indication I’m on board.

And I am – because Seafoam is growing like . . .an embryo! and I am feeling hella nauseated to prove it!


25 thoughts on “Beta #2 (or you can call it 4+7)

  1. I have the Nikki McClure pregnancy journal (and baby book, and a print hanging in our nursery along with multiple others around our house). I was too nervous to write in it for the first half of my pregnancy and now maybe don’t know where it is… Anyway, Betas look GREAT. You’ll relax at some point, I promise. Enjoy that La is carrying all the excitement so you only have to carry the worry. Can’t wait to see your babe in April.

  2. Your beta looks great! You only transferred one embie right? I’m surprised you don’t get an ultrasound till 7 weeks because I always got jealous of those seeing a RE who got more frequent ultrasounds.

    Being pregnant is crazy but it’s good that you recognize there are no “wrong” feelings, just different ones. I for one was shocked that from about week 4-8 I seriously doubted why I had chosen to get pregnant. We got through a miscarriage and 6 months of trying to get pregnant and when it happened I was doubting it? It’s weird but everyone has surprising reactions to the changes.

    As for your relationship I was not prepared for how much this pregnancy would affect mine. I’m glad we’re now at a place where we can see that things have been weird so we can start making a real effort to stay connected but things were definitely different for awhile. And don’t be surprised if even after your “sex ban” is lifted you still don’t have sex. I was too scared for weeks!

    • They prefer to wait until a heartbeat is pretty likely – which is about 7 weeks. I appreciate it, since I don’t need reason to borrow worry (obviously!) and, it’s only two and a half weeks away!

      • Makes sense! You’ll for sure see it by week 7 ๐Ÿ™‚ They usually show up end of week 5 beginning of week 6. So exciting!

  3. This post makes my heart all sorts of giddy! I’m at 23 weeks and worry warts hit me still but not as often. I don’t think I really “relaxed” until 16ish weeks. Try your best to enjoy it! It moves so quickly!

  4. It’s hard not to be anxious when you’ve tried so hard. I was a wreck at my first ultrasound appointment and the follow up, but it got easier. Even though the nausea is no fun, I always took it as a good sign that he was nestled in and growing, so enjoy lol. I’m so happy for you and La!

  5. Oh yay! Great beta ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s lovely news. Have you prepared your wife for the potential irrational anger you may experience too? Now that will add to the fun ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Oh – and the usual quick fix for that is food stat! So if it hits you I’d suggest that she carries snacks in her pocket…like sugar cubes for horses but different.

  7. I was driving home from work and hoping you’d post an update. I’m sorry your feeling apprehensive. I know that two years of not ever getting pregnant must hinder your thoughts about it, plus you part of the community that has bad experiences with staying pregnant as well. That being said, I think you should be stoked and say fuck the bad shit. Cause girl you deserve this happiness, this baby, this huge accomplishment. Being skeptical or negative about it won’t change the outcome, so you might as well soak in all the good and push the bad to the side.

  8. Yay! They are great numbers. Our doubling time was only about 50 hours and I’m about to give birth โ˜บ.
    B and I had similar differing reactions to finding out. I think she was disappointed by my inability to be super happy about the pregnancy at the start. I was happy of course, but also worried. I think it is partly a personality thing and partly that being the gestating partner can feel like your body carries the responsibility for “getting it right”.
    Try and trust in the process and know that everything looks great so far. Congratulations!

    • Olive and Fern over at insertmetaphor had this in spades–when each of them carried she was a nervous wreck while the other was cool as a cucumber.

      Congrats, AndiePants and La, with best to you both and Seafoam too of course.

  9. That’s a great number! Looks like little Seafoam is right on target. I was in La’s place for the first couple of weeks of Callie’s pregnancy. I can speak from experience, it’s not the best place to be, but it’s not the worst. I will say tho, that Cal’s was really good about letting me know about myself and about how she was feeling. Ex, “I know your excited, but I’m still really nervous about this whole thing. What if blah blah blah, or blah blah blah? “, so i just made sure i was listening to her and let what she was saying really sink in. As long as you are really communicating what your going through and what your feeling, she’ll understand. And every once in a while, just give her that little excitement she’s looking for (even if it is fake for a few minutes, it gets really real quickly) What i found myself feeling was, I went through this too. All this heartache, loss. It didn’t happen to my body but it happened to my heart, and now i want to celebrate this new life. At least that’s our experience. Super excited for you guys!

  10. YAY! My wife had battled with anxiety before she got pregnant, and it only got worse during. Your feelings of being nervous/anxious are perfectly normal, of course you are worried about anything bad happening especially since its so early still, but let me give you a tip – that feeling will never go away. Jax is 18 months now and I have all these fears I never would have thought I’d have, sometimes rational and sometimes not.

    And it just sounds like your wife processes things differently than you do, like me with my wife, I was the researching, the go-POAS-honey person, the hopeful one, the one that (seemingly) didn’t have a care or worry about the pregnancy. Trust me, I’m sure she has her share of worries and concerns too. And as for no-sex, yeah that sucks. We did IUI so we didn’t have the mandatory wait, but around 4 weeks after we had sex and she started bleeding. Talk about freaking the heck out! It ended up being fine and just from the cervix being more full of blood, but we were so scared after that experience that it was a while before we did again, like months haha. So – at least you already are waiting and won’t have to experience something like that hopefully.

    I am so happy for you guys and can’t wait for the ultrasound. Congratulations! And don’t worry, it’s okay to be a little insane. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • As it happens, they didn’t have a copy! I would love to get in on your pregnancy book boon! I’ll email you my address. Let me know if you want dollars for shipping!

  11. What to Expect sucks. I glanced at it once or twice and got copies from three people. I much more enjoyed “Your Pregnancy Day by Day” which is a Discovery book, I think. Big ol honking huge book but it’s actually kind of cool. Look for it used on Amazon, it’s way cheaper that way. I think I got mine for ten bucks.

  12. From what I’ve read in the blogosphere it is complete normal for someone struggling with IF to not feel a whole lot of comfort when they actually get pregnant. We just can’t shake the anxiety of so many failed cycles and whatnot. It’s hard to accept that becoming pregnant can actually be a reality. I’m sure it gets better with time. hang in there!

  13. The anxiety is normal – it really is. I was anxiety my entire pregnancy. But, I’m so glad that you are finally on this chapter of your life! Its early, the feelings you are both having are completely understandable. If it makes ya feel better, the anxiety will subside the bigger that baby gets and the more you see and hear the heartbeat! I am just so darn happy for you!!!

  14. Yay for the great beta!
    And sorry that you and La are in different places. Both feelings (the excitement and the anxiety) make a lot of sense. Hopefully you’ll continue to get fabulous news from the RE and that will help you feel more reassured.

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