Second trimester, ho! And baby mama bodies

12 whole weeks pregnant! Depending on how you divide the trimesters, I have either hit #2, or will in a week or so. But why wait? I think now sounds like an excellent time to be in the second trimester. And Goofball, our midwife, apparently agrees.

We had our 12 week appointment today, and everything is looking good! All my blood tests from last appointment came back with excellent results, I’ve gained 3 lbs. since the beginning of my pregnancy (more on my anxiety about this below) which is in the normal range, my blood pressure is good, my cervix is “beautiful” and long and “you tall women have the best pelvises!” which, I believe, should mean good news for delivering a baby! We heard little dude’s heartbeat with the doppler – reassuring to know he’s still hanging out in there, whoosh-whooshing away at 146 bpm!

For the first time, this week, I couldn’t quite button my pants. I got out the belly band I bought a few weeks ago, and other than the realization that you can’t just wear whatever shirt you want with it, I found it to be effective and comfortable. I’ve been feeling some general changes in the shape of my body, but most of them haven’t really impacted what I can wear, although it has definitely impacted how I feel in my body. The cup size up in bras is one thing, but feeling like my middle is thickening out is another.

I’m a big girl, and 96% of the time, I feel pretty awesome about this. I care about my health, and while I could always improve it, I also keep myself healthy by eating lots of vegetables and not many processed foods and moving my body. It took me a lot of work to feel ok in a body that is closing on 6′ tall and fat, and while I don’t have it together all the time, it’s been a while since I’ve felt this . . .undone.

I honestly haven’t known what I weighed for a very long time. I paid attention at my first “OB visit” (not really an OB visit) at the fertility clinic after my positive beta because I knew weight gain would be a thing in some respect or another during pregnancy. I was shocked at how much anxiety I’ve had this week about how much I might have gained since my last appointment (we don’t own a scale on principal, so I have no way of knowing at home – which is for the best) and felt a huge relief when it was only 3lbs. Although, if I’m being honest, I was hoping it might have been none or even a loss. I haven’t thought about losing weight in a long, long time.

I also made the decision to stop following a facebook group for ‘plus size’ moms and pregnant women, despite really craving pictures and shared experiences of being fat and pregnant. There was just too much talk about weightloss and body hate for me to feel healthy continuing to read the posts. And I want, so badly, to have a space with other women who are fat and pregnant and trying to stay sane in the middle of it all.

I have been afraid since we started this journey that I wouldn’t “look” pregnant. I still wonder what I will look like. We started taking belly shots, but haven’t for weeks. It hasn’t been conscious, but I think I’m scared about what I won’t see, as much as what I will. I want to track my pregnancy, but I can’t quite get the mental shit together to make it happen.

Of course, complicating all of this is that I have entered the extreme bloat period of pregnancy. By the end of the day, no matter how much water I’ve had or what I’ve eaten, I can hardly move for all the air built up in my body. La informed me that, on Tuesday night after I’d fallen asleep, I let forth some of the loudest and most triumphant farts she’s ever heard. (You must realize that when you live with bulldogs, farts are only funny and not taboo!) Which made me feel both terribly proud and totally mortified. The good news is, those farts did something, because I consistently wake up feeling much better. Still, it’s hard not to have your body image complicated by the excess of gas in your intestines.

My midwife hasn’t said a word about my weight, not one word. I need to remember that. This is old shit, it’s cultural shit, it’s not real. But whoa, this is gonna be harder than I thought – to keep it together for another 6 months. Just keep swimming, right?

In other news, we are going to a cloth diaper class tomorrow (h/t to Jenn for the tip!) which is a very exciting prospect! We also ordered our crib and glider (thanks to my momma for the really wonderful gifts – she’s pretty damned amazing, I’d say!) which probably won’t be here until mid-December (not exactly a problem, since we won’t need them until April!) Finally, La installed a back of door basket organizer in the nursery closet, which looks fabulous and will be a big help with storage and organization (see, I’m not the only one feathering the nest!) So, despite feeling a bit uneasy in my own skin, I am still hella excited for this kid to be born!

La is off at a show tonight, so I’m at home watching “Call the Midwife,” eating butternut squash mac’n’cheese and, hopefully, starting my Ina May Garten Spiritual Midwifery book. I’m hoping that reading about some bad ass birthing hippie ladies and the magic of pregnant bodies will remind me that mine is pretty awesome, too.


17 thoughts on “Second trimester, ho! And baby mama bodies

  1. Sounds like everything is moving along perfectly. 3 lbs is great for the first trimester, you got this!!! I’m super impressed you already have the crib and glider on order, super sweet of your mom! What an exciting time.

  2. We also don’t own a scale and it’s been hard for me to watch my weight grow even though I was fine with my body before. My doctor said I shouldn’t gain more than 20- I gained 30 and my midwife is so supportive and says that’s perfect. I had a really hard time with body image around your point too. Ina may’s guide to childbirth has great birth stories. I just got her guide to breast feeding too and will let you know if I give that a thumbs up too.

    • Oh yes! Please do! It’s also nice to hear that maybe being in the not showing but not not showing phase is a tough place to be for lots of folks.

  3. I love Call the Midwife!

    If you like memoirs I suggest reading a book called baby catcher. I thought it was beautiful. It’s a woman who has over like 40 years of experience as a nurse then midwife and is just all the craziest (not necessarily scary although there are a few triggers) births she attended.

  4. So much of what you just articulated about body image/weight while pregnant has been echoing through my head since we first started trying… And I’m not even pregnant. I certain don’t have answers, but thanks for sharing. It makes me feel less isolated. And congrats on completion of the first trimester!

  5. I am 5’3 and weighed over 200lbs when I got pregnant. I lost 10lbs and have gained 4 back and am definitely showing! I feel better with my pregnant body than I did with my normal body! You will be beautiful!!

  6. So exciting, you are moving right along! I was afraid I wouldn’t look pregnant because I’m a bigger girl and always carried weight around my middle, but when I popped there was no mistaking. And for the first time in my life I loved my belly! I’m sure once you start showing most of those anxieties will fade to pride. (And everyone will comment how beautiful you are all the time, and you know as cliche as it is, it feels pretty darn good).

  7. I am just so overly excited for you guys – still! As for being “fat and pregnant”. I am 5’3″ and I was 232 lbs when I got pregnant. I gained all of 11 pounds my entire 9 months – but you best believe I looked pregnant when that belly finally popped! I just know you are already a glowing beautiful pregnant girl and it doesn’t matter when/if you show!

  8. The idea that you can safely or should lose weight while pregnant leads to low birth weight babies which is universally acknowledged as a bad thing. I can’t image any sane healthcare provider advocating that.

  9. I’m 6′ as well and it’s a hard height to feel comfortable at and stay comfortable at. I had people surprised I was pregnant well into the third trimester which is really challenging when I felt so big and so pregnant. This fourth trimester I have to keep telling myself my weight is okay and I just need to stay healthy for me and baby and not worry about a number.

  10. I know it’s easier said than done but try not to be too anxious about the weight gain. In the end you’ll find it’s really completely secondary to what else is going on in your life! I gained well over double the “recommended” weight gain by the time Bean was born and it definitely didn’t just fall off when I was breastfeeding, but at that point it didn’t matter at all. You’ll be having too much fun not sleeping or eating or showering to notice 😉

  11. I can SO relate to all the weight anxiety. I felt everything you’re feeling when I got pregnant and was hyper aware of how much I was gaining throughout my pregnancy. It’s so much easier said than done to not focus on it, I know, but as long as you continue to eat healthy foods and stay active, those numbers don’t matter as much as you think. Exciting that you’re already on trimester number two! 😀

  12. That weight stuff is really complicated. I’m glad that you’re at least sometimes able to see that scolding negative internal voice as being imposed by our wacky culture.
    And I’m impressed that you’re able to watch Call the Midwife right now. I’ve enjoyed the show, but couldn’t watch it while pregnant because it freaked me out. And then the first episode that I watched while home on maternity leave involved a newborn being kidnapped….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s