12 whole weeks pregnant! Depending on how you divide the trimesters, I have either hit #2, or will in a week or so. But why wait? I think now sounds like an excellent time to be in the second trimester. And Goofball, our midwife, apparently agrees.
We had our 12 week appointment today, and everything is looking good! All my blood tests from last appointment came back with excellent results, I’ve gained 3 lbs. since the beginning of my pregnancy (more on my anxiety about this below) which is in the normal range, my blood pressure is good, my cervix is “beautiful” and long and “you tall women have the best pelvises!” which, I believe, should mean good news for delivering a baby! We heard little dude’s heartbeat with the doppler – reassuring to know he’s still hanging out in there, whoosh-whooshing away at 146 bpm!
For the first time, this week, I couldn’t quite button my pants. I got out the belly band I bought a few weeks ago, and other than the realization that you can’t just wear whatever shirt you want with it, I found it to be effective and comfortable. I’ve been feeling some general changes in the shape of my body, but most of them haven’t really impacted what I can wear, although it has definitely impacted how I feel in my body. The cup size up in bras is one thing, but feeling like my middle is thickening out is another.
I’m a big girl, and 96% of the time, I feel pretty awesome about this. I care about my health, and while I could always improve it, I also keep myself healthy by eating lots of vegetables and not many processed foods and moving my body. It took me a lot of work to feel ok in a body that is closing on 6′ tall and fat, and while I don’t have it together all the time, it’s been a while since I’ve felt this . . .undone.
I honestly haven’t known what I weighed for a very long time. I paid attention at my first “OB visit” (not really an OB visit) at the fertility clinic after my positive beta because I knew weight gain would be a thing in some respect or another during pregnancy. I was shocked at how much anxiety I’ve had this week about how much I might have gained since my last appointment (we don’t own a scale on principal, so I have no way of knowing at home – which is for the best) and felt a huge relief when it was only 3lbs. Although, if I’m being honest, I was hoping it might have been none or even a loss. I haven’t thought about losing weight in a long, long time.
I also made the decision to stop following a facebook group for ‘plus size’ moms and pregnant women, despite really craving pictures and shared experiences of being fat and pregnant. There was just too much talk about weightloss and body hate for me to feel healthy continuing to read the posts. And I want, so badly, to have a space with other women who are fat and pregnant and trying to stay sane in the middle of it all.
I have been afraid since we started this journey that I wouldn’t “look” pregnant. I still wonder what I will look like. We started taking belly shots, but haven’t for weeks. It hasn’t been conscious, but I think I’m scared about what I won’t see, as much as what I will. I want to track my pregnancy, but I can’t quite get the mental shit together to make it happen.
Of course, complicating all of this is that I have entered the extreme bloat period of pregnancy. By the end of the day, no matter how much water I’ve had or what I’ve eaten, I can hardly move for all the air built up in my body. La informed me that, on Tuesday night after I’d fallen asleep, I let forth some of the loudest and most triumphant farts she’s ever heard. (You must realize that when you live with bulldogs, farts are only funny and not taboo!) Which made me feel both terribly proud and totally mortified. The good news is, those farts did something, because I consistently wake up feeling much better. Still, it’s hard not to have your body image complicated by the excess of gas in your intestines.
My midwife hasn’t said a word about my weight, not one word. I need to remember that. This is old shit, it’s cultural shit, it’s not real. But whoa, this is gonna be harder than I thought – to keep it together for another 6 months. Just keep swimming, right?
In other news, we are going to a cloth diaper class tomorrow (h/t to Jenn for the tip!) which is a very exciting prospect! We also ordered our crib and glider (thanks to my momma for the really wonderful gifts – she’s pretty damned amazing, I’d say!) which probably won’t be here until mid-December (not exactly a problem, since we won’t need them until April!) Finally, La installed a back of door basket organizer in the nursery closet, which looks fabulous and will be a big help with storage and organization (see, I’m not the only one feathering the nest!) So, despite feeling a bit uneasy in my own skin, I am still hella excited for this kid to be born!
La is off at a show tonight, so I’m at home watching “Call the Midwife,” eating butternut squash mac’n’cheese and, hopefully, starting my Ina May Garten Spiritual Midwifery book. I’m hoping that reading about some bad ass birthing hippie ladies and the magic of pregnant bodies will remind me that mine is pretty awesome, too.