Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, “weird. I kind of look pregnant.” But I didn’t think much of it. I mean, I’ve been feeling different for a few weeks, and looking noticeably . . .heftier, for the last week. But usually I can’t pull off anything that could even approximate pregnant unless I have a belly band on, and yesterday I was sans belly band. The round thing? All me.
I also FELT pregnant yesterday. When I leaned over to file some papers in my desk, I felt like I was playing some weird camp game where I had to hold a softball in my belly area so I couldn’t quite lean all the way over. My uterus was actually in my way. They can shove a dildocam up your vagina and show you a picture of a little fetus, but you won’t really believe it until you feel like you swallowed a coconut.
Then, last night as I stood up to go to bed, La said, “OMG you really look pregnant! I think you’re showing. Turn to the side!” So I did, and I felt really awkward about it. “You’re showing! You’re totally showing!” And then she went and put the “first maternity clothes” sticker on the free pre-natal calendar the midwife gave us.
I thought maybe it was a fluke of bloating (which, BTW, has eased significantly with my recent gas-x purchase) but I don’t think it was. Because again, today, I see it. I think maybe La was right.
On Friday at a work event, a colleague from another organization and I were talking, and she asked me if I was pregnant (because I’d been talking about it earlier, I assume) and I told her yes. I was hoping she’d reveal what I had suspected earlier, while watching her in the meeting – that she was pregnant also. And, she did. She is, in fact, just a few days ahead of me. And then my office mate asked if this colleague was pregnant, because she’d also suspected it. And I felt a little bummed that probably no one suspects I’m pregnant because of what I look like. (what a stupid ass thing to feel bummed about, amiright?)
Probably, that’s still true. Probably, you’d have to know me fairly well to see what La and I are seeing. The world at large probably still just sees a fat girl. But, I’m starting to feel a little more ok with this idea that my visibility will be different than other people’s. “Looking pregnant” just might be something other than I imagined. Ay least for now.
I took these pictures in the office bathroom, so they aren’t the best, and most of y’all don’t know me so you might not notice either. But it feels like a big deal to document this and to feel comfortable putting pictures into the world. These aren’t the “official” pictures we have (sometimes) been taking but those are on L’s fancy camera, so those will have to wait.