‘roid rage (32 weeks) – proceed at your own peril

Y’all, I need a space to talk about my butt, and this is gonna have to be it. I can’t do it on facebook, heaven knows my co-workers don’t need to know anything, and my spouse (while lovely and supportive) just really shouldn’t have to know about these things. But you – you who have borne babies or are growing them, who stick your fingers in your vag and check out your cervical mucus and feel your cervix for changes – YOU ARE MY PEOPLE.


The last few days I’ve been pretty miserable. My carpel tunnel seems to be getting worse, and the exercises I was using to keep it manageable don’t seem to be working. It’s a lot of pain and a lot of numbness and a whole lot of pain in my (figurative) ass.

And then I got a stomach bug. And herein lies the literal pain in my ass.  We ate Indian food before our breastfeeding class on Wednesday night, and I thought maybe it had just not set well. But all night Wednesday, long into Thursday day and evening, I have been making many more trips to the bathroom than I’d like.

Today, my belly still hurts but I seem to be off the liquid poo. Unfortunately, my excess potty trips resulted in my hemorrhoids, which had been kept at bay via stool softeners and witch hazel wipes, to get hella agitated. And this, my friends, is my real suffering. Pain and irritation in my butt so bad I can hardly sit down. Walking is no better. My only vague relief is laying on my side, with no pressure anywhere near my ass. It’s really rather miserable.

This is how I spent my lunch break:


It has made my day tolerable, but just barely. I mean, I was definitely contemplating going home from work, and now I think I can handle being here for a few more hours. So, I’m being serious about both the pain and the relief. Please send hemorrhoid shrinking woo.

In much less gross and uncomfortable news (but maybe still TMI for the weak amongst you), we went to an awesome breastfeeding class at our hospital and got to see a grown woman insert a giant stuffed breast into her mouth. La and I both looked away from each other to avoid exploding in laughter. Yes, we are that childish. After learning the hand expression technique, I tried it and got a little colostrum! This is especially exciting for me, as I have PCOS and harbor a lot of fear about being able to breastfeed adequately. The lactation consultant told me to let them know when we delivered and they’d ‘take a more aggressive approach’ to pumping, etc. Hooray!

I leave you with the 32 week bump!

20150206_111045 20150206_111013


18 thoughts on “‘roid rage (32 weeks) – proceed at your own peril

  1. Ugh. Rroid rage. I had them super early on and haven’t again since then. I dread their inevitable return….I hope your, ahem, posterior feels better soon. REAL soon.

    Also, goddangit you are a cute pregnant lady. I just feel fat. My arms are so gross and pudgy it’s driving me bonkers.

  2. I’m so sorry. If it helps, the carpal tunnel and roids are related – the body trying to drain fluid and struggling to with your current (fantastic) roadblock. Sleeping with the support braces helps with cp if you haven’t tried them yet (most drugstores sell them) and beyond the topical for the ‘roids, eating foods that are naturally diuretic helps – celery, cucumber, watermelon and grapes. That will help both the ‘roids and the cp (it’s extra fluid in wrists that is compressing nerves and causing pain) because it will help you drain excess fluid. A wise ND once told me ‘roids are varicose veins in your butt (“soggy” veins that need firming and draining (which is what witch hazel does). They are miserable. I’m sorry. At worst, both should resolve in 8ish weeks. Thinking of you all.

  3. I went through my entire pregnancy and didn’t get them and then after my c-section the pain pills got me so backed up that I ended up having to give myself a suppository and I proceeded to birth a shit out of my ass bigger than Harper (probably lol) Now I have hemorrhoids lol.

  4. I am so sorry to hear about your butt troubles. That sounds horrible. Have you gone for acupuncture for your wrists? And I can’t remember if I told you the book that helped me or not. I hope you can read it in advance, The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk. It goes over all the parts of the bf equation including hormones.

  5. Oh Andie, you know how much I love to talk about poo. I’m sorry to hear about your ‘roids. I have heard that they are extremely painful. The carpal tunnel it a frustrating issue too. Have you tried a wrist brace at night, or acupuncture? I think decreasing the overall inflammation in your body might help too- less sugar, less dairy, less salt. Take some omega three’s. I’m not sure what you’ve tried, but I hope it all goes away soon. Way to go on the colostrum! That stuff is like liquid gold!

  6. Argh! ‘Roids!!! I hear you. I mentioned them in passing when I saw my Dr the other week and as well as not being the least bit sympathetic, she said it would be pointless being treated for them as they would just reappear during birth! Great (!) Thankfully, mine haven’t been too bad as I’ve made sure I keep everything clean as well as make sure I keep a regular intake of fibre… Still… Not nice.

    Damn fine bump you have there lady! Hope seafoam is treating you well. Xx

  7. For some relief of your bum cheeks, you can get over the counter cream that saves my life. Calmoseptine. You may have to ask the pharmacist but it doesn’t need a script and is cheap. Used with the prep-h you’ll be good as new in no time.

  8. I cannot believe your 32 weeks! Seafoam is going to be here soooo soon! I have carpal tunnel also but so far it’s still manageable, I’ll be interested to hear what you find helps that. As far a the buttroids go, have you tried sitting on a donut pillow? At least it would be temporary while they heal and help them heal also. Or any kind or natural internal remedy? I’m not much help I guess. Hope your pain in the ass goes away. Yay for getting some leakage!

  9. Ah I feel your pain, I had the worse hemorrhoids after delivery. I hope it gets better, they really are the worst and it’s hard enough getting up and down at the end of pregnancy without that pain in the butt. Yay for squeezing out some colostrum! You will hopefully not have any BF-ing issues, but if you have any struggles producing don’t hesitate to reach out to me (I can give you my contact). I can’t necessarily give advice since nothing worked for me, but I can offer support (I stuck with it for 5 months and only ever got up to producing 2 oz). I’m glad you’ve hooked up with an LC this early- early support is good no matter what.

  10. I didn’t get them until after I delivered 😦 Save your money and buy a bottle of witch hazel and soak little cotton pads(like facial pads) and put them in the freezer. Put them in between your cheeks and leave them there. Hope you feel better soon!

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