Uuuuuugggghhhhh. Fucking Monday, amiright?

I’m both trying to be more diligent about posting weekly and also so uninspired by my job right now, that I am posting even though I’m kinda grouchy (couldn’t tell, could ya?) and not entirely sure what I’m going to write about. I’ve been generally crabby/tender hearted/emotionally fragile for about a week now and I’m not sure why . . .I thought last week that my first post partum period might be coming (OMG can we just stop for a minute and talk about how it’s been almost two years since I got a period?!? Weeeeird) – but that doesn’t seem to have panned out. So, I’m not sure. Anxiety about the idea of moving across the country? Anxiety about things staying the same? Lil’a’this, lil’a’that, I imagine? Haven’t slept properly in 13 1/2 months? Stuck in a basement office instead of hanging out with my adorable and rapidly more brilliant kid?

So many options to be grouchy, so little time.

But the kid . . .oh, that kid.

It’s like daily that he does something new and totally charming. Like, this weekend he started saying “Ni-Ni” when we put him to bed AND now, when we ask him if he’s ready for “Night Night” before bed or his naps, he stops whatever he’s doing and toddles into his room saying “Ni-Ni, Ni-Ni.” IT fucking SLAYS me!

He’s also gotten super into books, and now really enjoys going to pick some out to read. He’ll grab two usually, and we’ll read them before his nap or bed, but last week after we finished the two, he kept getting down off my lap to get more, then again, and again. He’s REALLY loves books these days, and it’s filling my heart with so much joy.

My mom found this picture of me at 17 months old and even though I sort of know that Ansel looks like me, I also don’t actually believe it. Mostly because he is the most adorable person in the entire world and I am FAR from it, so how does it work that we look alike? I don’t have the answer to this condundrum, but it seems pretty clear we are related. I think in a few more months, his hair should also be about this long!


In other news, we decided not to try for #2 this month. L is having some health stuff that’s aggravated by stress, and we might actually have some news about the job front by June, so it would make a little more sense to give it a go then anyway. But, as I’ve said before, it’s her body so she really gets to call the shots. I’m not into having anyone feel anything but excited about sperm in their vagina, you know?

She felt good about the interview (side note: Ansel, two bulldogs, one old springer spaniel and I all piled into the CRV to go for a drive while she had her skype interview, lest the dogs bark/baby cry/whatever other act of interview mayhem could ensue with our menagerie) and I just want to give myself some kudos for momming/partnering the fuck up because that SUCKED. It was rainy out, so we couldn’t go to the dog park or anywhere, really. I went through the drive through at s’bux and got myself a coffee and then we drove around. It was mostly ok, because the bulldogs peeking over the seat kept Ansel laughing, but then we hit traffic and he started crying and I could only console him with baby cheetos which is NOT a method I really like employing especially in the car, and the dogs then wanted access to baby cheetos too so I had to hand them back one by one and . . .whew. It was exhausting. We all did our part on this interview, that’s all I’m saying.) She should know by the end of this week or early next if she is up for the second interview which would involve going back out to Oly. Keep the things crossed!

I applied for a job in Seattle in my field (it’s not IDEAL for if L is in Olympia but it felt worth applying for) and have also been thinking about what other ways I might be able to use my background. I’m considering paying to take some classes/get a certification in Instructional Design, since I do that anyway and it could be a good transfer to for-profit contexts. But really this is probably just me having my anxiety in a very typical type A fashion.

I really want to be writing things that are more than just updates, things that require a little more insight and depth. Like how, more and more, I’ve been having feelings about the responsibility of raising a white guy and at least making a hearty effort to ensure he doesn’t turn out to be a total dick. But also how I have, in my past, thought things like “Do men even HAVE real feelings?!” and how weird it feels to have thought that and be parenting a son who OMG totally has beautiful, complex, deep feelings and realizing how fucked our culture is that is steals the opportunity to have rich and nuanced emotional lives from men.

But, you know, MORE.

So, aside from that . . .I guess I’m out?


4 thoughts on “Grumpasaurus

  1. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that car ride. That was some awesome momming/partnering. I think it’s interesting that you write what you did about men’s emotions. Maybe it’s the males I surround myself with, or maybe because some of the clients that surprised me the most in my life as a therapist were men, but the emotional complexity men have is very great. I think many of the boys, teenage guys, and men I did work with were able to openly express their emotions in very beautiful ways- very direct, but eloquent and meaningful. It’s a shame society does not recognize that. As long as you validate and give those emotions a place to exist, out culture cannot take that away from our boys.

  2. Yes, you are both adorable. I had to reread the sperm in the vagina sentence 3 times because I thought you were saying that we should all be excited about sperm in her vagina (which in a supportive way I am!). I contemplate the whole raising a (white) man to not be a dick and also not understanding the emotional terrain of men. Our society sucks with this stuff and I don’t know how to make sure I don’t fuck up. Also, you could be cycling without a period. Totally happens. I got mine back at 10 months and had been cycling chaotically for at least a few months before that.

  3. This pretty much sums up my job, every single day: “I’m not into having anyone feel anything but excited about sperm in their vagina, you know?”

  4. He is such a cutie pie. You two really do look a lot alike. No one seems to think that Charlotte and I look alike, either, but when I compare our baby pictures I see a lot of similarities. My mom is always comparing her to our donor, which kind of bugs me. I don’t know why I’m so bothered–I guess I just prefer to pretend he doesn’t exist. As for raising a white boy with feelings… I read that and I thought, “Huh… raising a boy is kind of scary.” But THEN I thought about girls and body image and feminism and equality and sexuality and raising a girl seemed pretty damn scary, too. Honestly though, I think that the very fact that we think about these things means that our children are headed in the right direction.

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