fuck you too, universe.

L didn’t get the job.

The dean called today to tell her this. The dean also told her that she could “offer no critical feedback” because L was amazing, and the dean could see her at the school and thought she was fantastic. But the president wanted someone with more “full time experience building programs.” Never mind that you can’t get full time experience until someone gives you a full time job, and that L has done a stellar job building a program as a fucking adjunct. It’s maybe even more heartwrenching when what she felt – that this was a great school and a good fit – was all true.

The news is devastating for us. We really really thought this was going to happen. There are so many reasons why this happening would have been so good for us. Selling our house and moving out of one of the most expensive housing markets in the country would have given us some cash to pay off debts, I wouldn’t be sharing geographical space with my mom which would really improve my relationship with her, L would have a job where she’s paid what she’s worth and is treated with respect.

But, it didn’t happen. So, now what? We stay here. L keeps applying for jobs and keeps her head down while the full time guy at the school where she teaches now is an asshole. I pray the asshole disappears or otherwise ceases to exist. We keep treading the same water and hoping and praying for something to change.


Before 5pm and the phone call that left the house in weepy anger, things here were going ok. So, I guess they will be going ok again soon enough.

Tomorrow I head back to work. It’s been a really nice week and a half of recovery, a lot of time hanging out and not doing a lot with my family. (L also had the week off as it’s the break between spring semester and summer session) I took a nap every day with Ansel, and between that and his newfound sleeping through the night (!) I think I’m chipping away at the massive sleep debt I accrued over the last 15 months. I’m still in a fair amount of pain and using vicodin to manage it, which isn’t ideal for returning to work, but hopefully I can taper off gradually over the next little while. Tomorrow is my first post op appointment and I’m dying to have the partial plaster cast/ace bandage/cotton batting bandages off because I fee like I’ve been wearing the same sock for a week and a half and I’m so grossed out. I’m also curious to see where all the incisions are, because I was already all bandaged up when I woke up and I can only guess based on pain and what I recall from my pre op conversations.

The Happy Sleeper training is going just splendidly. We now give Ansel a bath, put him in PJs, I nurse and sing songs, then we read two books and put him in his crib and he lays down and goes to sleep. Sometimes he cries for a minute, but mostly he jabbers to himself and then quiets down completely before the first 5 minutes are up. In fact, he’s done this since night #2. He’s also slept through, from 7:30pm-7:30am, most nights. He’s woken twice around 2am and chattered or whined for a bit before settling himself back to sleep, and last night he did end up crying and L had to go in and say the phrase to him. He apparently saw her and then threw himself face first into the mattress and then went back to sleep.

I feel 100% awesome about our decision. And, I am glad we did it when we did. Up until last week, our system was working. It stopped working, so we made a change. And now that’s working. I think this is the best response to most situations, and really underscores for me that there is something between righteous adhearence to one philosophy or another, and that is being responsive and doing what’s best for your own family. Fuck yeah.

I have a post about “parenting in public” that I want to finish and share, but tonight I have too many fucking feelings for that.


14 thoughts on “fuck you too, universe.

  1. I’m really sorry she didn’t get the job. That totally sucks. I hate being up against that “you need full time experience to get this job” wall when how the fuck are you supposed to get full time if no one will give you a shot?!

    Also, I totally hear you on occupying geographical space with your mother being an issue. It is for me too-with both of my parents honestly. I hope things look up soon.

  2. Ugh, I’m sorry. Not getting a job just stings like hell – been there so many time. Academia is tough. I have brilliant, charismatic friends who are stuck in the adjunct trap. Hang in there. It will be okay. Good luck tomorrow.

  3. I’m so sorry, that is a huge disappointment. Sending all of the positive woo into the universe for you guys that something else comes along. And strength in the meantime to make it through each day in a non-ideal situation- I’ve been there and it’s hard once you have mentally and emotionally moved on to show up day to day in a negative work environment. On the other hand, great job with the sleep training! I completely agree, you do what works until it doesn’t and you have to figure out what works next.

  4. Fuuuuuck. I’m so sorry. You were so close, and that can make it so much harder. Take your time and be kind to yourselves – you just lost a really amazing dream, and that deserves mourning. Don’t let anyone rush you.

  5. What a huge disappointment. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I hope this means there’s something else on the horizon that will knock L’s socks off.

  6. So sorry to hear this. I feel like the job search process has a lot in common with TTC. You want something really badly and start to imagine what your life would look like with this new thing in it. And in the end you don’t have control over the outcome, and you can’t make your beautiful imagined future come true just by force of will.
    Hang in there! It sounds like you’re getting clearer about what you want and you will get there eventually. But it sucks when the process takes longer than you had planned and has these huge disappointments along the way.

  7. Boooo…. Academia can be so brutal. As a former adjunct, I know how sucky it is to be toiling on the periphery.

    Take time to be disappointed, then rally them troops! (Which from your next post, I see you’re already doing!)

  8. That blows about the job, but onward! And who knows, maybe (hopefully) their current candidate doesn’t work out, and L will be right in! And sleep! Glorious sleep! That’s what the boys sleep, from 7-7! It makes SUCH a huge difference! glad you’re on the other side of the sleep stuf friend…

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