I’m afraid I did a terrible job of accurately conveying how I’m feeling right now. I wanted to capture a complex nuance – feeling deeply alone and unsettled, but also astounded by beauty and very much happy. I erred on the side of the loneliness and you all are so lovely to reach out and be supportive. But I want you to know that as hard as it is to not know where I’m going and feel like very few people would miss me if I disappeared here, I also feel deeply certain that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The future is muddy and unclear, but I sense it’s general trajectory, and that trajectory is towards growth and goodness.
Also, things have improved along some of the more difficult fronts. For example:
- The house in Colorado officially closed yesterday and we are now in possession of a sum of money so large I feel paranoid about having it. You don’t know just how deeply you mistrust technology until you see a 6 figure number in your bank account all of a sudden. That enormous balance is already dwindling as we pay off the credit cards and my car, and repay the loans each of our parents made us to help with moving costs. Once all of that is done, we’ll pull the bulk of the rest (with a small cushion put aside in our regular savings) in an investment account that my account broker brother will manage until we are ready to use it for a down payment. Financially, things are finally feeling manageable, for the first time in . . .well, a long time.
- This weekend, Laurie is participating in an equity and social justice cohort with a bunch of other theater folks from the region. She was selected for this, and it’s a big deal. It is also grueling. She was there 4 hours last night, all day today and tomorrow, and half a day Sunday. I’m proud of her for stepping outside her comfort zone and connecting with other folks in her field. The other exciting piece of this is that Ansel is at our new friend M’s house. M stays home with her 3 year old, and was willing to watch our boy for the day (for some $$, of course!) I met M when I posted a sad sack plea in the One Bad Mother facebook group about being new to town and especially lonely (this was during our first full week in Seattle, when I wasn’t working and Laurie was out of town at a conference in Chicago) and she invited me for coffee. Since then, we’ve hung out a few times with her family and her friend’s family, and we really like them and it was hard and awkward to make friends. But we did it! We have a teeny tiny bit of community!
- Things are starting to pick up at work, so I feel less like I am just sitting on my ass. The work right now is the hardest for me – cold calling and meeting with people for the first time to begin building connections. Once I have a foot in the door, I really enjoy myself. But the first call or meeting? Ugh, it drains me and I spend the next half hour berating myself for my awkwardness. Yesterday, though, I met with a school nurse who is also a GSA leader and during my meeting with him, a couple of sweet high school age trans guys came in and I got to talk to them about having sex ed at their group and they were so excited. I miss working with queer kids all the time and I got a little misty eyed connecting with these youth.
There are other fun things a-brewing, as well!
- We have (re) started the process for Gayby #2. Did I tell you that our donor, BFF, moved to Tennessee just about a week before we moved to Seattle? It was kind of weird, but . . .too long and not interesting enough to go into here. Anyway, we are now VERY far apart geographically, but he’s still up for helping out, although we know it will be a more complicated process. We tried DIY style for four months, although we were not as intensive or invested as we were when trying to conceive before – maybe because, in part, none of us really feel like it will work at home, and also we were getting ready to move cross country. But, we reached out to a RE that was highly recommended, and are in the process of registering with them and getting an appointment set. We know our insurance covers IUI, IVF and embryo transfer up to a $25,000 lifetime max at 80% – but I imagine there are some additional ‘catches’ to this as well. So, we’ll see!
- We had family pictures taken! Ansel was not terribly interested in sitting or standing or being held, so the family shots aren’t as good as I’d like, but there are some real gems of just him. Such a hambone!
- We are tentatively starting to look at houses. We are technically in a lease until August, but after re-reading our lease and talking to some more knowledgeable friends, it seems like as long as our house could be easily rented (and trust me, that would NOT be a problem) we shouldn’t incur any penalties for leaving early. So, we are talking to a realtor and looking around. We found the cutest house EVAR in a suburb just south of Seattle proper – a remodeled craftsman with a giant chef’s kitchen, 3 bedrooms, an unfinished basement, and a beautiful yard, in our price range but . . .we are just not in a place to put an offer in right now. But, it’s good to know that houses like this do exist in places we might want to live and for an amount we can afford. Another bonus, one of L’s new friends is a gay mortgage broker – score!
- We are going to Portland in October for my birthday, my parents are coming to visit in early November, and we’ll be back in Portland in December. I feel good about connecting with folks, including my parents . . .even though things are still, well . . .HARD with my mom. But less hard. Or, same hard less often?
I’m doing my best to keep up, y’all . . .but I’m glad to be back.