We still haven’t hit 24 hours puke free, thanks to Ansel’s penchant for barfing in the middle of the night, but the volume of vomit is way down, and the number of pukes per 24 hour cycle is down to just one. He’s also regained a lot of energy and is interested in eating and drinking, so while we’re not out of Baby-FluTown, we are definitely on our way past the city limits.
Of course, now sets in the end of the TWW panic/hope/desperation/waiting. L took a test on Saturday and yesterday, and both had lines so faint that her amateur eye couldn’t see them – but my practiced pee stick vision saw those faintest positives. Of course, those faint positives could be the last traces of the trigger leaving her system, or they could be just the beginning of Tiny beginning to snuggle in – there’s no way of knowing. She took another this morning and I feel reasonably sure it was a negative – I thought maybe there was a line but upon close inspection, I think I was imagining it.
The stomach drop I felt at seeing that negative brought me back to just how awful this game makes you feel. After all, it’s really very much too early to count a negative test as anything. BUT, the tiny build up of hope that those faint, faint positives caused exploded into grief so easily. Afterall, if the test today was negative, it meant those faint positives were the trigger, not a baby. There’s still time for a legitimate positive to appear, but the hope gets more slippery the closer to 14 days we get . . .
I thought I was in a sort of zen place about this IUI, but now I know I’m not. The problem is, I think, that IVF (especially with the genetic testing) feels a little like a silver bullet for us (it’s not, that’s just how it feels) Since we had so many failed ICIs and IUIs and then a helluva time with my IVF cycle . . .but ultimately, we got pregnant on that first transfer. So, going into this process, knowing it made the most sense logistically and financially (thanks, insurance!) to just go to IVF – I think we probably felt a little invincible, you know? And I carried a little of that over to the IUI briefly. But now I remember. I remember what a total and complete crap-shoot this is, and how hard it feels no matter if it’s the first or the fifteenth try.
And I want SO BAD for this time to be easy, for this time just to work. I want so badly for my beautiful partner to not have this be a struggle, I want her to get this thing easily. I want it for both of us, for our family. But I want it more for her. Because I know all of the things that race through your head about your worth, about fault, about your body and I don’t want her to feel that. I just want the joy, the hope, the excitement of creating something in your body.
But. We just don’t know. Could be or couldn’t be. Maybe/maybe not. All we can do is wait.
In other news:
- We decided to get Ansel’s hair cut. We had been wavering for the last few weeks, trying to decide if we should go for it. I LOVE his long hair but he was starting to become resistant to combing, and it was looking a little ragged at the back. This week, with so much puke ending up in his Cherubic curls, really sealed the deal for us. He did a great job and while he looks older, for sure, I think he’s still pretty toddler looking.
- Since we’ll be in Denver on Xmas and unable to transport any large gifts there or home, we asked Santa to stop by a little early with Ansel’s big gift: We used some pinterest inspiration to do a “hack” of the Ike.a play kitchen – and it was SUPER fun! I would highly recommend, especially since the kitchen itself is very reasonable (we got it for $60 with the ‘family’ price + sale) if you buy it new (and they are easy to find used as well!) It took us about a week to get everything done, primarily to let the paint dry adequately (we did have to do two layers on almost everything) The ‘upgrades’ we made are:
- Painted most of the parts, using orange, aqua and silver spray paint
- Butcher Block faux wood contact/shelf paper on the ‘counter’
- added three knobs (drawer pulls from the hardware store, which we painted to match) and attached them so they can be turned and pulled.
- Additional hooks for hanging dishes, towels, etc
- small chalkboard
- added a layer of foamboard on the back, which we trimmed with scrapbook paper to create a ‘backsplash’ and attached matching paper to the back sides of the cupboards to match
- Added stick-up ‘touch lights’ under the counter
- After hemming and hawing, debating and obsessively asking questions, I decided to do this to my hair:I do really love it, although I feel a little funny about it too. My hair is naturally graying (like, significantly – probably about 30% of my hair is already this color – you can tell where the natural gray is in person because it lifted so well!) and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, so it’s kind of funny that I decided to go through a 3 hour process to turn it silver. But, in many ways, this is how I’m handling the natural gray. We’ll see if I’m able to keep up with the maintenance required. The great thing is, my hair is short enough that – worst case – I’ll cut it all off in a super short pixie and just start over and let nature run it’s course. But, it’s a fun thing for now.
3 1/2 more days fo work, then off to Denver we go. 4 1/2 more days and we’ll know if 2017 starts with the first trimester, or if it’s back to the fertility clinic for us. Plz plz plz, hoping for an Xmas miracle.