Just as a follow up from my last post . . . thank you all for your kindness and the prayers, love and light sent to the Conductor and B’s communities and family in Seattle and Denver. Care was withdrawn last Saturday and B died soon after. There is a lot of grief, but also love and celebration of the magic and friendship and love B brought to the world.
Last Saturday, L reached the half-way point in her pregnancy! She let me take some belly pictures of her in drag!
I don’t want to speak for her (maybe she’ll want to speak for herself . . .ahem . . .since she reads this blog!) but I know being a genderqueer person and pregnant hasn’t been the easiest for her self-image, either. I think she looks like a perfectly hot androgynous pregnant dandy, don’t you?!? I’m hoping we can keep these up, though maybe not weekly – the moustache takes a lot of work!
She still feels like shit, especially if she doesn’t take her zo.fran regularly. Last Saturday, we ventured out on a hike in the (magical enchanted fairy) PacNW forest (our first since we moved here!) and she forgot the pill. It seemed like she was doing OK and so we got excited . . .and then it rebounded and she was miserable for days. I know it’s super demoralizing for her to feel so crappy all of the time, and we both were feeling hopeful that maybe it was getting better on its own.
She’s feeling Tiny move a lot now – I think it’s gone from occasional and not-quite-sure to quite a bit in just a week or so – which I remember being the case with Ansel as well. I’m super psyched for when I can feel Tiny on this side of things, though I know it might still be a while.
Yesterday, we had our 20w Anatomy Scan ultrasound. Tiny is looking good, still definitely has a penis/scrotum, and is measuring just a little bit ahead at 14oz. He was all cozy, head down and posterior, tucked into L’s cervix like he was just gonna keep getting more comfortable until it was time to come out. For this reason, they were able to see most of his parts and reassure us of his health and anatomy . . .except for his heart. They didn’t see anything concerning, they just didn’t get a clear enough view to rule everything out. So, back we go in 2 weeks to see if they can get a better look at his little heart!
(also, PS – the U/S place at the hospital will only give you pictures on a GD writable CD like . . .does anyone have a CD drive on their computer anymore? Because we do not. Which means we have to take the CD to walgreens or whatever and have them print or e-mail or whatever the pictures. REALLY? Is this actually more economical? Also, even with badass insurance we are still paying like $300 per U/S so maybe give us a little parting gift?! So, that’s why these are at a funny angle because I just took them with my phone.)
Our Easter was very quiet and a little rough around the edges. On Saturday, we set out for a hike – both because we’ve been wanting to get out into our new home’s natural beauty, and because our insurance offers an incentive if you do a “Parks Challenge” – so we can get discounts on our deductible and out-of-pocket if we go on 6 hikes. The hike we chose was about 2.5 miles and should have taken us about an hour total. Of course, I misread the instructions and we ended up going in the opposite direction of the chosen trail (and the text code we needed to get credit for the hike!) and just about tripling the length of time and distance of our hike. Ansel was in our sweet new (to us) hiking pack on my back, so he was happy (and I was tired) but we ran pretty significantly into his nap and didn’t bring lunch with us. So . . .he ended up falling asleep on the car ride home but waking up when we got back. We fed him lunch and then tried to put him down, which was a struggle (not typical for him) and meant he didn’t go down until almost 3:30pm – and he didn’t wake up until 6!
We knew we were probably Totally Fucked © , but we kept him up just a little later than usual, and he seemed to fall asleep ok. But he slept terribly and woke up for the day on Sunday just before 6am. The EB had delivered a basket full of arts’n’crafts gifts from the Grandma’s and a wooden tool set from the Moms, and he dove right in playing. A bit later in the morning, L hid some eggs full of Annie’s bunny cookies and a few jelly beans around the front yard, and he dutifully and happily retrieved them – and didn’t actually care what was in them! He spent the rest of the day semi-obsessed with counting the eggs, lining them up into a train formation, and opening and reassembling them over and over again. He also went to bed that night with an egg clutched in his hand (Librarian – I know you feel me on this, girl!) and at 2:30am awoke screaming because his little fist had cracked it in two and he could only be consoled by the egg being reassembled and placed back in his hand. Toddlers, man.
We did get Ansel’s picture taken with The Bunny which . . .I dunno, guys . . .The Bunny is waaaay creepier than S.Claus, right? I mean, they had us pick out a weird psychedelic background (I swear, they were all this intense) and the Bunny was, like, super uninviting and just weird and awkward. Ansel tolerated it, but you can see that behind his smile is a clear message: “I am doing this for you and I want to get the fuck away from this weird thing as soon as I humanely can.” Like, he is DEFINITELY doing us a favor in this one.
And we made cheesy potato casserole with ham in it, which feels about as Easter-fancy as you get when it’s just two moms and a toddler. But, it was delicious.
Finally . . .will we ever get more than a single night of uninterrupted sleep again? I mean, I know we just signed up for a double-down on this thing, but I had forgotten the pain of hourly wake-ups until just this afternoon, when my eyes are burning and I feel kind of nauseated just from the exhaustion. To be fair, Ansel probably woke up so much because (stupid stupid stupid) we gave him a pillow in his bed last night because he’s been somewhat pillow obsessed when he’s in our bed and we thought he might be into it. While the theory is unproven, I feel pretty sure it contributed significantly to the many, many instances of screaming fits in the night. Of course, when I tried to remove it from the crib, I was met with wailing, “pih-oh, no mihne mihne, pih-oh!” so all we could do was suffer together.
The great thing is, I am officially out of fucks to give about going to bed before it’s fully dark out.