Adieu, troisième

I have written 2/3 of a very smart, thoughtful, insightful blog on public health and the coronavirus but it’s not done yet so you’ll have to wait.

But today, right now, the thing I am bringing to this space is this:

The decision is all but 100% confirmed and made: there will not be a gayby #3 in our family.

This is not what I want. Unfortunately, there is no compromise on the issue of having a baby, there is no halfway to meet at, there isn’t a way for everyone to win here.

I do not want to have a child with someone who is not fully and completely in agreement with that decision, and L is not. I do not want to end my marriage over the desire for a baby – I want to have another baby with them. And while I did not ask for all of the reasons L has come to this conclusion, I imagine if I knew them I would by and large agree with them. There are many many reasons why not having another child is the best idea.

But I am heartbroken. The sadness and grief is so similar to the pain I’ve felt during break ups. And even more, the pain I felt when I was trying to get pregnant and faced the amelioration of a planned future each month. Except now the sliver of hope that mitigated that sadness is gone. I feel physically wrecked with sadness.

It doesn’t help things that one of my lifelong best friends will welcome his third baby on Friday, and a friend of ours from preschool are due with baby #3 in a few months. Its not just that people are having babies, people are doing this crazy thing and having a third.

I will come out the other side of this. I don’t know how, but I will. If you have ways you got through it, I would gladly take them. For now, my primary approach to dealing with the pain is to ignore it, but when you have big feelings, they can only hold so long.