Not the post I wanted to write

Ugh. I have really been wanting to post my experience from last Tuesday/Wednesday, when La and I went and got civil union #42 in the state of Colorado. It was magical and kind of overwhelming, and I really want to do it justice. I write the Spirituality and Religion feature for our local GLBT rag and will be putting my thoughts down for that in any case, and the blog seems like a good place to sort my thoughts. But I just can’t do it right now, y’all.

I am including some pictures (some which you could have also spied on NPR or the Denver Post (?!) because there was so much media. This is kind of fucking with my self esteem. But that’s another post, too. They follow the post!

My baby making anxiety is often quelled by writing about the experience, and reading about all of yours. So, in the interest of staying sane, I’m writing a brief TTC update instead of the lavish and lovely experience of finally having my relationship legally recognized in the state where I live and love. It’s a’comin!

  • Its CD19 and looking likely to also be 2DPO. We did inseminations on CD11, CD13, CD15, CD16, CD17. All this according to the Sperm Meets Egg plan. That seems like we ought to have fully covered our bases, so let’s up the mightiest swimmers have intercepted the most beautiful egg and are happily dividing in my fallopian tube right now.
  • The Advanced ClearBlue Easy Ovulation Prediction Kit SUCKS. I will be writing a more eloquent and comprehensive review on amazon.com, but for my readers who might feel inspired to go drop the $$ on one – don’t do it. Its confusing and doesn’t appear to line up with other fertility signs, including the regular CBE OPK.
  • We upped our game on the acupuncture, and I went in for three days in a row during inseminations. This is only possible because of community acupuncture clinics, so I wanna give a shout out to Meeting Point and all the other community acupuncture places that put this kind of treatment in the reach of those of us who don’t have a lot of money.
  • I’m on the post ovulation herbs and they are WAY more pungent than the pre O. It might be time to invest in some juice to chase that, because my hippie-woo ends when the herbs become nasty not just herby.
  • We had dinner with La’s sister-in-law last night, who was in town briefly. Over Xmas, when we talked about making babies, she was weirdly quiet – not at all typical for her. We brought it up a few times last night and she was still quiet and unengaging, only saying ‘all in due time’ over and over again. La’s family is way more conservative than mine. She has two brothers – one who is a big dude on campus at a super duper conservative mega church in Indiana – and another who is awesome. This sister-in-law is the awesome brother’s wife. She has always been kind to me, and we can laugh and joke. Her kids are amazing and they recognize me fully as their aunt. I hit the mother-in-law jackpot with La’s mom, and even her 87 year old granpa is good to me. But there are some real assholes in the mix, too. I mention all of this because its really breaking my heart and making me angry that K (the sister in law) is being weird and cold about this, when she has otherwise been great. It feels confusing. It feels like she is ok with us being gay but not with involving a child, or that she is changing her mind, or something. I’d like to think she’s just squicked out about the actual baby making but she isn’t even response to benign things. I was shaking with anger last night, so its clearly under my skin.
  • I head to Oakland next week for a training and I’m nervous about spending the second half of the wait alone. I’ll be busy and engaged, but I’ll also have some unstructured time without my usual support system around.

And now, some pictures! (with the new haircut, too – La’s in the bowtie)

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The Sweet Spot

Well, it’s CD12, try #4. Hope has bloomed again because how can it not? Another precipice of waiting – this is where the sweet spot is.

There are good things, here in this moment:

  • I got a really new, fabulous haircut. I have been rocking a modification of the same cut for a while now and feeling more like a soccer mom than I ever want to. I switched hairdressers (I have a lot of guilt about this) to La’s crazy alcoholic-but-super-creative hairdresser and got the femmpadour (femme + pompadour) that I have been longing for. Now its time to banish the glitter and get some color. Why is this so awesome? Because feeling like a stylish, hip, urban queer makes me feel like myself, and anything that pulls me out of the mustmakebabynow vacuum is a good thing.
  • I had the most awesome acupuncture appointment last Thursday! My coworker is in school for a degree in TCM and she recommended I go to the school clinic, which is inexpensive. Although I love the acupuncture clinic where I go, its a community space and they only do points in hands, feet and head and don’t do other treatments. At the school, I had  a crew of 4 students who spent a long time asking me questions, then did acupuncture points in my hands, feet, head and abdomen, and did a moxabustion treatment which is crazy and so great! The gist is that they use a mugwort herbal mix and light it on fire on acupoints! But it doesn’t hurt and it increases warmth and flow of chi. This was also on my belly. Finally, I got two big paper envelopes of herbs to make tea with. I have been drinking the pre-ovulation tea since then and I would swear my BBT temps have upticked just a little (which is good since mine are usually on the lower end throughout my cycle) So.excited.to.go.back!
  • I talked with my friend/pastor (she was my friend and classmate before we started a church together, or, I early adopted her church rather) and got some good spiritual perspective. Which OMFG I needed really badly.
  • We have decided to do a variation of the “Sperm Meets Egg” plan which we are lucky enough to be able to try because BFF is fucking amazing. I’ve adapted it because it assumes ovulation on day 14, and I usually O later than that (on day 17-20) So instead of started every other day inseminations on day 8, we started on day 11. This means last night was our first insem of this cycle. Crazy!
  • I am using the advanced CBE OPK which I am a little wary of (its super new and has very few reviews, but those that I’ve read say it flashes ‘high’ fertility for DAYS and then doesn’t register the ‘peak’ at all) and we got a flashing smiley face today (‘high’ but not ‘peak’ fertility) – so that’s a nice reinforcement of the plan. I am, of course, triple checking because peeing on things is just what I do now.
  • Tomorrow night (and into wednesday in the wee hours) La and I will, along with some friends, be among the first folks in Colorado to get a civil union! We are doing an insemination before we head out to wait in line, and I really like the idea that if this cycle works, it could very well be on that day. That’s the nice thing about so many chances and not knowing which one, exactly, will take.
  • Spring is here (at least until Tuesday night when we will get another  snow storm) and La and I spent all day in the yard, cleaning out the shed, planting trees, and getting things ready for chicken coops and garden beds. I have the influx of freckles and pinkish sunburn to prove it!

One more wave of hope . . .

Looking down.

The night before we take a pregnancy test is the most conflicted I ever feel in this process. The waves of hope and misery, doubt and possibility wash over me in a sickening torrent. It’s a precipice I simultaneously want to jump from immediately and stand on the edge of forever.

Bon chance.

1DPO. I guess.

I’m not willing to make proclamations on anything related to my junk anymore, but signs are pointing to ovulation yesterday (a + OPK on Monday, eggwhite cervical fluid M-W and a temp rise today) so I’m gonna go ahead and call it.

Its been a helluva week and honestly, making babies has been the last thing on my mind (ok, not the LAST but much further down on the list than usual)

After quite a bit of back and forth, it was determined that my agency would take on writing a rather huge and pretty competitive government grant on behalf of the local department of education. This is great in a lot of ways, because we would be contracted to do a lot of the work and the bulk are things we already do well. I also don’t really trust the person who would otherwise be writing the grant, and I am a firm believer in the adage ‘if you want it done right, do it yourself.’

So, I’m doing it myself.

I am not a grant writer, although I have written them before and the task frequently falls to me because of how small our organization is and because I enjoy writing and do it well. But this one is some serious shiz. And maybe if I didn’t have a bunch of other stuff to do, an emotionally melted down graduate student in my office crying about her research project, and a bunch of colleagues from other places constantly sending me their opinions, I would feel awesome about it. Because this is the package deal I’ve been handed, I am feeling decidedly stressed the fuck out. This morning my computer crashed and I thought I was going to lose my shit. But I didn’t.

Its gonna be ok. And, in some ways, I’m grateful for the distraction. It would be nice if it were a little more calm a distraction though.

In 10 days, La and I will have been gay married* for a whole year! Because she is producing a show the night before, and I have a concert to perform the day of, we won’t be doing anything too fancy – we did get a smokin’ deal on a fancy hotel room and have a gift card for the restaurant in the place where we had our big gay love extravaganza event. Assuming my math is correct, we could also conceivably take a home pregnancy test that day, but I don’t know if something that loaded would be the best way to celebrate.

So, on to lucky wait number three we go!

An update to the great doctor saga – or, the day I talked to every department in the hospital that does anything with vaginas

Since our last episode . . .

1. Got a call on Friday from the maternal-fetal health dept (what?) telling me that they had received a referral for me to see Dr. B in their department. When I expressed confusion about who DR. B was and why I should be seeing her INSTEAD of Dr. C (‘the best we have’ doctor) the scheduling lady said “I don’t understand the clinical stuff but DR. B is the specialist, the super specialist, and you’re supposed to see her.” So, I cancelled with DR. C and made an appointment with Dr. B

2. Feeling confused and wanting to forgo any additional weirdness, I send an e-mail to my awesome GP (who is also on the advocacy committee for one of the LGBT orgs in town) and asked her to do a little informing to ensure the same shit didn’t happen. She said DR. B was great and of course she would send a head-up.

3. Today I get a call from maternal-fetal health telling me that, actually, Dr. B is not who I should see, that I should see a reproductive endocrinologist in advanced reproductive medicine because Dr. B only sees pregnant diabetic patients (what?!) so they can transfer me to ARM. Um. Ok. I guess.

4. Get transferred to ARM where I have to explain to the receptionist that I have done inseminations at home, approximately 10 times, before it was clear. (“Who did you IUI?” “No one. I did it at home.” “I’m sorry, WHO did you say did the IUI?” “NO ONE. My friend came over and jerked off in a cup and I put it in a syringe and put it in my vagina.” “Oh . . .”) I was finally allowed to make an appointment although the receptionist sounded confused.

5. Call the patient advocate people to complain. While I’m on the phone with them, ARM calls back and leaves a message saying that, actually, I shouldn’t see them, I should just go back to SA, the nurse practitioner who started this whole charade.

6. Call ARM back and explain that OB-GYN sent me to DR. B who sent me to ARM so can someone just fucking tell me who to talk to? Get a nurse on the line and she explains that absolutely! They can see me! They are totally the right department to see! But they don’t approve of known donor at home inseminations! Ok!? So then I spend a half an hour asking if they can still figure out what’s going on in the case of the missing menstrual period (or, really, the case of the delayed Ovulation, as its becoming clear is actually the case) and get treatment for that even though the way I am getting sperm into my uterus is not the way they want me to. Never get a very clear answer but determine that I am not likely to GET answers on the phone that day and decide to go see the ARM doc anyway. Where I will probably have to be very clear that I know the risks and that I just want them to determine if there is something going on with my lady parts that needs to be addressed in order for me to get knocked up.

The juxtaposition of this experience with the first half of my day is absurd, and disheartening. I continue to be unclear why in the world my BFF’s sperm needs to be quarantined when I have a more trusting and loving relationship with him than I did with many of the dudes I slept with during my wilder days (which is, apparently, the magic key to not having to go through the bullshit in ARM) unless its because some either a doctor or the government has to attach me to a man to legitimize my pregnancy. But more than that, I just want someone at the damn outpatient pavillion to listen to me long enough to know that I actually don’t even want their help getting pregnant right now – I just want to know why I went from having 30 day cycles all my life to suddenly not ovulating for 45 days.

8DPO: Potential Dinosaur Sightings

8DPO. Going on my 5th day of pretty consistent nausea. Added to this (or perhaps just adding nuance): Food aversions/cravings/something. I say it this way because more than craving anything or being particularly averse to anything, its just a struggle to find anything that sounds *good* or even something that won’t make me vomit.

On Friday night, the only thing I could stand to think of eating was, essentially, ramen noodles. We don’t eat ramen in our house because La had a horrific accident in college and got 3rd degree burns down her legs from spilling hot ramen – and she has the scars to prove it. So, suffice to say, I did not get ramen. We did find the next best thing at Tokyo Joe’s – a noodley soup that was mostly non-offensive, although the hard boiled eggs inside of it were hard to handle. Yesterday at lunch with my mom, I saw a picture of a turkey sandwich and almost lost it right at the table. In general, I’m staying in the most neutral zone possible. Mostly I am grateful that my long term standby, oatmeal, continues to be as satisfying as anything.

Another addition is a heightened sense of smell. I don’t tend to be very aware of smells. La has a super sniffer all of the time. Usually, I can be somewhat blissfully aware of, for example, the bulldogs stinky booty issues, while La is gagging in the corner. The last few days have been a little different. On friday driving home there was an awful sweet-chemical smell outside the car and when I remarked on it, La looked at me and said “You should NOT have been able to smell that!” Other things that usually don’t bug me have been overwhelming, too – the air freshener in my mom’s car, the smell of ketchup, a cigarette lit outside the car at the intersection 100 feet away? You guys, I just quit smoking two years ago and really, if I could keep smoking and NOT kill myself/the baby I want to bear, I would totally still smoke. While the smell has gotten increasingly yucky to me since I quit, I have never had a reaction like that to a cigarette that was located so far away.

So, you know, I’m really trying to stay neutral and not read too much into anything. But the nausea is OOC! (that’s out of control, FYI) I otherwise don’t feel sick. I know anxiety can make the belly feel funny and while I’m excited and hopeful and a little nervous I don’t feel anxious to the extent of making myself sick for days on end. But, time alone will tell (and, I guess, depending on the outcome and how long this nausea sticks around, a trip to the doctor!) I sure hope this isn’t all in my head.

Both La and my mom are convinced I am pregnant, which is not making things any easier. They tend to deal with these types of situations differently than I do – I prefer not to hope too much in order to avoid disappointment. They embrace the hope and the potential disappointment. Its good to have balance, but nervewracking still.

OK! Final update!! Last week, La and I were looking at pictures of fetuses (?) in utero and the earliest sonogram picture we saw and something that looked quite a lot like a little dinosaur. So, La has started referring to the maybe-bundle-of-cells in my uterus as the dinosaur. Just moments ago, she sent me a picture of a tiny dinosaur toy that had been left? put? on top of a door – out of primary sight – in the coffee shop where she’s working. And yes I totally believe in that kind of woo-woo stuff.

Thanks for bearing with me . . .assuming anyone actually made it to the end of this post!

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Win-Win!

I’m on CD30, no bleeding yet. Hoping I hold out until Thursday which would mean a nice, long, cozy luteal phase and make this cycle the best (tracked) one yet. In any case, we should be inseminating in two weeks – whether we are at the start or the end is the only difference. La has taken to talking about how my cervix will be ‘soaked’ in sperm which kind of grosses me out even though I know, odds wise, that’s the way to go. Still, I wish she could find a less disgusting metaphor.

On Saturday we spent our collective Xmas money on new tattoos! Its been a while since I got any ink and I was very excited. This is one of the bigger pieces I’ve ever gotten and it will probably take another two sessions to finish. Since you have to wait about a month between sessions for healing, and you can’t get tattoos when pregnant (well, at least, the evidence suggests it isn’t a very good plan at best), I am in what some would consider a conundrum but which I think is a fabulous TTC situation: If I get pregnant the first time (which would be AWESOME) then I would have to wait until after I delivered to get my tat finished. If I DON’T get knocked up (which would be sad) I would get to have a second session on my tattoo (which would be AWESOME.) So, at least for the first few tries, there is something good that can happen if I don’t get pregnant – which takes the pressure off quite a bit.

I’m attaching here a picture of the tattoo – keep in mind that it is only partially complete, that it was JUST finished at this time (if you’re unfamiliar, this means its swollen and shiny with A&D ointment) and that Hilda has a MUCH better tan than I ever will, especially on my thighs.

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Much love and luck to everyone out there gestating, raising and trying to make babies! <3!

The Baby Avalanche has begun!

At 12:19pm, mountain time, one of my colleagues delivered her 6lb9oz baby girl, who is nicknamed Lou (which I tell you because I LOVE it) Lou is the first of what will end up being a virtual landslide of babies to come in the next few months. After Lou, there is the baby that is just about done cooking in my boss’ belly, the babies from La’s cousins, due just two days apart in March, my friend H’s baby due in April, my new niece or nephew in July and my cousin’s baby, also due in July. I may have missed one or two as well . . .that’s how many babies are coming.

Of course, I’m hoping that all of these pregnancy hormones swarming around me will give me a good shot come the end of january/beginning of February when we give it a go. But I’m also just genuinely so excited to have so many babies in my world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the babyless trying/wanting baby jealousy that I think comes up a lot – at least, I see and hear about it a lot on the boards I’m a part of and in the conversations I have. My cousin, for example, was in tears (reportedly) when my brother and sister in law announced their pregnancy. They had a miscarriage in September and, I assume, had been trying before and since. Some friends of a friend have been trying (with a known donor at home) for over a year now, I think – they too had a miscarriage at the end of the summer – which seems just insufferably long. And there are countless others who I don’t know who hate that they feel jealous, even though they do. Its sort of a part of this process, I think  . . .especially when it ends up not being easy – or just isn’t easy from the start.

Right now, I’m not jealous – I’m overjoyed. I can’t think of anything better than having babies to love and cuddle, and, with any luck, having so many peers for the baby we hope to have. And while I’m not, in general, a jealous person (learned or natural, I don’t know; but I certainly honed my skills when I was in a long term non-monogamous relationship) I can imagine beginning to feel the burn if this process ends up going longer than we expect. I already have a bit of that hole-in-the-heart longing, although that tends to crop up most often in target in the diaper aisle, that I think can make me blind to the bigger picture. I’m scared of getting jealous – because I don’t think anyone *wants* to resent their friends and family for something so wonderful as a baby – but its also a human fallability to feel jealous when someone has something we want so much for ourselves – especially when we can’t get that thing through no fault of our own.

Tomorrow La and I go for our first couples counseling appointment. I’ve never been to a couple’s counselor before, so I’m nervous and excited. I’m glad that La and I are going now, when things are still so awesome between us and in our feelings about this adventure. Having babies is a big and super scary thing, and I love that I am married to a woman who believes as much as I do in the power of prevention. There is both hope and trepedation here.

Friday I go see the OB/GYN. I’m a little more nervous about this appointment. To start, I don’t have a real ‘reason’ for going – I’m going to frame it as a ‘pre-conception’ appointment. I made the appointment after AwkMD gave us a referral when she couldn’t sign the paperwork. I decided to keep the appointment even when that got taken care of because I’d rather have *some* sort of established relationship when I make a call to get a confirmatory pregnancy test. But going to doctors is always nerve racking for me, even more when it comes to this stuff. I just don’t have any trust that a medical practitioner isn’t going to make assumptions about me and my life based on my body. And as outspoken as I am about fat acceptance in so many other areas of my life, in a doctors office there is a lifetime of shame that comes with me.

I’m hoping to bring a really wonderful experience with me. Yesterday, a yoga teacher who I took a class from last year left me a link to a blog entry she’d written. It included this passage:

There was this beautiful girl in my Body Acceptance yoga classes, let’s call her Mandy. She’d come to class, and laugh and sweat and move and I liked her. One day during class I walked over to adjust a posse, and I caught a glance of one of her tattoos. It simply said fat, in a cool, bold, typewriter-ish font. In that little nugget of a moment, she was my new hero, and that was just the beginning of the unraveling of “Fat Acceptance”

That’s my tattoo. I got it years ago, when I hardly even qualified as “fat” by many standards.  It was heartwarming that I gave this women some support in loving herself – even if I didn’t know it then. What meant more to me was being seen as a person in a fat body who sweats and laughs and moves in the world in a joyful way. So often I think fat people are seen as sub human blobs living out pitiable existences in the world. Shit, sometimes that’s how I think of myself – in less than loving moments. But I’m not that. I am a yoga enthusiast, a runner, a dancer, and I live in my big beautiful body with joy and love and humor – most of the time. I’m very grateful that I was seen in that context.

Many milestones this week . . .even if it isn’t the one I was most looking forward to. The requisite cycle update is this: I definitely ovulated on Jan 4th, which was CD18. I got + OPKs on Tuesday and Wednesday (CD16 and CD17) and a sustained temp rise beginning on Jan 5 (CD19) This is all MUCH more in synch with a more ‘typical’ cycle for me. I’m hoping that I will have a luteal phase of at least 12 days (going for 14 this time around, with the addition of a B complex and B6 supplement) putting menstruation at 1/17-1/19, and, with another ovulation on CD18-20, the insemination process would likely be 1/30-2/3, since we are aiming for 3-4 days of insemination.

Which could mean a home pregnancy test (with reliable results) on 2/14. Now, just as a caveat, I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day. I am a religious scholar (by training) and I think what modern american society has done to this otherwise kind of bloody Saints day is really weird, which is why I was super resistant to doing anything for the holiday back in Feb  2009 when La and I were just barely dating. La, though, is a tried and true romantic. Which is why we ended up having a very schmaltzy date and deciding to be girlfriends (I call it the DTR or “define the relationship” talk) that night.

Dudes, what I’m saying is: if we DO have a one hit wonder and the dates DO line up, La and I could find out we are having a wee one 4 years after we decided we were an item! Or, we could be wicked disappointed . . .whatever.

But, in any case . . .I may just be grateful for the profusion of chocolate and an excuse to spend some extra time with my boo, for one reason or another.

Well, sh*t.

The last few days have been somewhat trying on the baby making front. . .which is funny, since we still aren’t yet trying to make a baby, technically. Har har har.

On Saturday afternoon, after too few hours of post roadtrip sleep, La and I went to pick up Eliot and Ed, our two older dogs who stay with my parents when we leave town (Ed because he is old and blind and doesn’t deal with rapid change well, Eliot because he loves my mom so much and he is too anxious to be left alone in a place he doesn’t know well.) We ended up sitting down and hanging out for a bit with my parents, filling them in on our trip to Indy and catching up on the family drama from Xmas.

Of course, my brother and sister in law’s pregnancy came up, as did my cousin’s pregnancy, and the many bellies waddling around Indiana. There are a lot of babies to talk about these days. In the conversation, I casually mentioned that La and I were going to be starting on our conception journey this month (something I have casually mentioned before, but this time I said more pointedly “we might be inseminating next week”) and . . .

NOTHING.

My mom did not ask questions, she did not get excited, she did not even complain or judge or make a snide comment, which somehow would have been better. She just sat there and stayed quiet.

I managed to wrap up the conversation somewhat quickly so I could get the hell out of the living room before totally losing my shit.I barely made it out to the car before I burst into terrible, inconsolable, hiccuping sobs. I hadn’t been so horribly hurt in years. We drove home and I cried and ranted and La was so good like she always is but it was wretched. I was considering really irrational things, like not talking to my mom or other promises I can’t keep.

She ended up calling on the drive home. Not, as I had hoped, to apologize for her silence, but to ask if she could help us out with some money for Ed’s medical expenses. I was adamant in refusing her financial help and tried to get off the phone before she heard the tears in my throat. No such luck.

30 minutes later, I didn’t feel better, although I did feel like I understood, a little. She assured me it had not been her intention to hurt me, that she was thrilled that we were thinking of trying to have children, that she was scared about her health and its impact on her ability to be a grandmother, that she didn’t know what was appropriate to ask. I don’t know what to think. I believe her, and her apology was sincere. But I can’t shake the feeling that she should have had some sort of response. That there should have been . . .something there and not just nothing.

La and I decided that as part of our plan for the TTC ride, we will be seeing a couples counselor (first appointment next week!) once a month, she’ll see her therapist once a month, and I’ll start going back to my beloved Rachel (um, she’s my therapist, sorry that wasn’t clear) once a month. Given the enormity of my feelings about my mom, I think this is a wise decision.

In other news, my almost -so-close-not-quite-positive OPK of 2:30pm and the slightly darker but still not fully positive OPK of 6:30pm today seem to point towards ovulation happening sometime between now and thursday – smack dab in the middle of BFF’s vacay in NYC. So, no dice in January.

This afternoon, when I saw the pee dipped stick I brought it out to the living room and showed La, who was sitting with a good friend of ours. I was a little shocked at how sad I felt. BFF is technically still in town until Thursday, but he won’t have his HIV/STI panel done until tomorrow, and the results probably not in until Friday. That’s a risk to take, but its also not fair to BFF to ask him to drop everything right before he heads out of town.

I’m consoling myself with a reminder that we were supposed to track three cycles before trying, that it will likely be the end of January or first days of February when we do try, which is only a week later than I had predicted for our first try back in October when I started tracking cycles. Plus, having a more normal cycle (after the wackjob of Nov-Dec) can be nothing but good, it allows me a full cycle on acupuncture herbal regime.

And, my CF is really obviously in the eggwhite category – clear, stretchy and slippery – which it hasn’t always been for the past few cycles (sidenote: I’ve been taking mucinex for the chest cold I picked up in Indy and I’m wondering if that has something to do with it . . .) my cervix is clearly in a good position, and I feel about 1000X more confident that I understand this process than I did in October.

So, bummertown for sure, but really not as bad as it could be. And, I imagine, this ride is likely to have some other twists and turns that will make this tiny blip of hard look like a flatline on the radar.

Aaaand . . .we’re back

La and I pulled into our gravel driveway at 3am this morning, after the 17 hour adventure through Indiana, Illinois, Missouri and Kansas. This is our third year driving back for Xmas and either we are getting used to it or the civic can haul ass because it hardly felt like the torturous process it usually does.

In the last week, there has been a lot to think about when it comes to babies . . .

*There was spending time with the fabulous nieces and nephews in Indy, two who are 7, one who is almost 4, the last who is 10 months.

*There was the hard to control comparison between the way 10 month old C is being raised in comparison to the Bug and the Bee.

*There was a baby born 10 weeks early to one of La’s cousins, the cousin who has been the most outspoken in her homophobia, and the joy that the baby is breathing on his own but also wondering if the same prayers would ever be sent on our behalf.

*There were two pregnant cousins and tons of other cousin’s babies racing around the room and thinking that maybe there would be three new babies to ooh and ahh over next christmastime.

*There was the unreadable silence from La’s sister in law when we shared our plans to start trying to conceive in a week and a half and wonder if she is judging us for our timing, our sexual orientation, or something else we don’t know about.

*There was news that one of my cousins is expecting as well – due in July. And my mom’s judgement of her second pregnancy and my confrontation of my mom’s judgement which is really a masked fear that my mom will be judging La and I when we become pregnant.

and . . .and . . .so much more. Suffice to say, I am very grateful that La and I have our first couples counseling session to talk about baby making in a little over two weeks. I always have a LOT of feelings . . .and now they are all bubbling to the surface.

In TTC cycle #1 news: I am on CD13 today, with OPKs still decidedly negative, CF still sticky bordering on creamy, and temperatures staying nice and low in the pre O phase (although interpretation might be a bitch this month, since driving 18 hours at a stretch through two time zones can really complicate the data collection in this case) We have our fingers crossed that ovulation will wait until Jan 8 or later, since BFF will be in NYC until Jan 7. I am feeling at peace with the possibility that we will miss this cycle due to BFFs visit home – it would really just put us back to the timeline we had initially expected – with three cycles tracked before trying. But I don’t think an attempt this month is off the agenda just yet – I would appreciate any and all prayers/woo/etc to make our timing work out.

Here we go!