Bust.

Its been a helluva week.

Today is cycle day 22, still no positive OPK. After the almost-the-same test on Tuesday morning, I got almost no line at all on Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning I got another dark-but-not-positive and then . . .of course, no line Wednesday night. My cervical fluid has followed a similar, although opposite, pattern – with creamy fluid in the morning and stretchier, clearer fluid in the evening. My temperatures have stayed solidly in the pre-ovulatory range. This morning’s pee stick ritual yielded another dark but not positive. In other words, nothing to speak of.

I sent an e-mail to the Texas Ranger on Tuesday asking for an ultrasound to see what was going on, and mentioning that I would also like to talk more in depth about fertility medications. She responded telling me to come in for a blood draw to check progesterone and to schedule an appointment to talk about further interventions.

I’m a little perturbed about the progesterone check instead of an ultrasound. The progesterone test will show that I have not ovulated. Which I know, because I track my temperatures.  I’m not sure why I had to drive half way across the metro area and get stuck in the hand to prove what I already know. But I did.

The next available appointment for The Texas Ranger wasn’t until Oct 1st. Aside from this feeling like a lifetime away, I was also concerned with how it might work in terms of timing for the next cycle (assuming I ovulate in the next, you know, few weeks) and I was not willing to be patient to talk about something that I’d wanted to talk about a month ago. So, I am going to see a doctor at the same practice this coming Monday.

After a week of grief, anxiety, busy-ness and just general too-much-ness, La and I made the decision to cancel this cycle. Between the havoc that’s been wrecked on our lives with friends leaving and lives exploding in work and ovulation not coming, and the fact that we were advised an IUI wouldn’t be recommended with ovulation any later than day 24 (at this rate, we are almost past that cut-off as is), it seems like the best, most reasonable plan to forgo the IUI, take some time to breathe, figure out our next steps, and then move forward in September/October.

I’m terribly sad and also decidedly relieved. I have been exhausted by this process, wrung out with waiting, and blame filled (from myself, always only myself) when the OPK shows up negative. again. and again. And while there is loss – not getting to try is a particular kind of heartache I think – it feels quieter and more peace-filled.

The one sticking point from our conversation last night was whether to have BFF’s sperm analysis repeated before or after the IUI. Following the previously decided upon ‘plan’ would mean getting it done prior to the Sept/Oct IUI. La doesn’t want to do this. She wants to go forward and have the SA repeated after the IUI.

I have a lot of complex feelings about this. First and foremost, if we are upping our game so significantly, I’m not sure why we wouldn’t test the semen. Its been more than 8 weeks since BFF started acupuncture and supplements, and that was time time frame we were given to see some improvement. I think La’s desire to try is more about sticking her head in the sand and hoping for the best – a tactic I have often gone with when the emotional stakes are high. After all, no news is good news, right?

But it feels hard that in this instance, The Plan is being put aside in the service of BFF/La’s desire to use BFF as our donor. The Plan has been the primary sticking point whenever I wanted to bump the timeline up. Whenever I wanted to make an appointment or ask questions about interventions or see a naturopath or or or . . .The Plan has been the reason I didn’t do any of that. When I’d come home worried or wanting to try something, La would say, but we have The Plan. We have to stick with The Plan. and The Plan says we don’t try that until _____ (after 6 tries, August, if we get a bad test result.)

So I’m a little resentful. And I feel shitty that I feel resentful, but I do. We tabled the conversation and made an agreement to revisit after doing some more thinking and talking and uncovering. I certainly don’t want to make a decision based on my resentful feelings; I also want to give ourselves the best possible chance, because this shit is fucking hard.

 

Things. Some good. Some hard.

I had originally wanted to wait to update you all until AFTER my nephew made his arrival earth-side – which should have been by now. Unfortunately (for all of us, but mostly for his mama) the induction using pitocin did not encourage Liam to come out to this side of the belly. After 12 hours of not enough progress, she was sent home. She will go back tonight to try again. Nephew Wath 2013 has been delayed. Adorable baby photos will have to wait until another day.

Some things have happened this week, like this:

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aka the best salad ever aka direct from the garden at the estate.

And this:

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aka the first egg from the golden girls (there was another last night too. So exiting!)

Eating stuff from your backyard is THE BEST.

But then this also happened:

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Which I guess for some people isn’t that bad, but made me feel like this:

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I find it shocking that for some people with uteruses, the HSG is totally like, no biggie. This is the impression I got when I asked about it on the babycenter board and when I did some pre-procedure googling. I find this shocking because it was absolutely, hands down, the most exrutiating pain I have ever experienced. Granted, I (thankfully) have not had a lot of run ins with excessive pain. But I do have a fair number of tattoos and have undergone surgery and busted my ankle up so bad that doctors now don’t know what to do with it. So . . .I have some reference.

In any case, yesterday was miserable. After screaming through the HSG, I was informed that my ovaries looked poly cystic. I’m going back on Tuesday for another ultrasound for them to check and decide if this is actually the case.

I feel somewhat confused by this. I have very regular periods (with the exception of the last year when two cycles were longer than usual – one very long, 60 days) and appear to ovulate based on BBT signs. My metabolic panels have always been good – no signs of insulin resistance, blood pressure issues or high cholesterol. I’m a bigger girl, but my weight is much more packed into my thighs and booty vs. my belly. I don’t have acne or hair growth. Basically, this is coming as a bit of a surprise to me.

The doctor who did the HSG and subsequently informed me of the appearance of my ovaries was not the Texas Ranger, but the follow up is scheduled with her. So I’m hoping to get some answers then, and also from the fertility specialist acupuncturist I am seeing on Saturday.

I know the PCOS is not the end of the road when it comes to fertility stuff, and that it can definitely be treated in a variety of ways. But this is not the kind of news I want on the heels of BFF’s less-than-stellar semen analysis results. But, if it is in fact the case, we will just do the next best thing.

At least I don’t feel like I have a knife shoved up my cervix anymore. See, there is a bright side to everything!

Green Eyed

I don’t get jealous.

Ok, that’s bullshit. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, but I really feel like its not one of my usual ‘go to’ emotions. I was in a very long term non-monogamous relationship and it really didn’t phase me when my girlfriend hung out with her boyfriend or the other girl she was sleeping with – it just wasn’t that big a deal to me. In the world beyond love and sex, I also don’t often feel ‘jealous.’ I have a lot of awesome in my life and I generally think everyone deserves awesome and its not a big deal when the awesome gets spread thick and with much diversity.

But today I’m feeling a little jealous.

My very best best friend, the dude who has been consistently amazing since we were 14 and became buddies, who was my Man of Honor and has seen me through more bullshit than I’d care to acknowledge, is a papa now. His daughter, Eleanor, was born yesterday. I am ecstatic. He is going to be an amazing father and even though he is far away, I am sure I will still get some quality time with this gorgeous baby.

Another very close friend is, today, full term. Her baby is due on our first wedding anniversary, just about three weeks off.

My sister-in-law is entering her third trimester and is starting to really show. My nephew will be here any minute. My cousin is due the same day.

I am very excited to have all of these wonderful babies showing up in my life, because I generally believe the more babies the better. And . . .and I am also sad that I am not pregnant. And while I know those two things can and do co-exist without having to mean anything to each other, right now I’m having a hell of a time piecing that out. Today I am just sad for myself, and the joy for everyone else is a little bit harder to see.

In my rational brain, I know that we’ve only tried twice . . .and both of those tries were probably somewhat doomed because of the way the Great Cycle of January-March 2013 played out, and that it can take quite a while for this whole magical thing to happen even in the best of circumstances. I *know* that. I also feel fairly certain that once we do get pregnant, this time will barely register on the great timeline of life. Soon there will be babies all over and mine will be one of them.

But today I’m disappointed. Today I am sad. Today it is hard to be excited for everyone else because I only want to be excited for myself.

I hate that I feel jealous, and I hate that I feel sorry for myself. I abhor selfishness and this is the very worst kind. But I’m also trying to follow the sage advice I’ve been getting about all of this, which is to let myself feel however I’m going to feel. To acknowledge it and then move past it. So, here I am . . .feeling all of these damned feelings.

 

The eternal wait

I’m not really sure what’s happening, but I feel like some sort of explanation is needed. For myself, more than anything . . .and because all of you have been so kind and I have maybe been a drama queen and I don’t want to take advantage of that kindness.

So here’s the latest:

After a hellish week at work (I LOVE my job, FYI, but I don’t like doing anything for 60 hours a week, into the wee hours of the night) and exhaustion from waiting and waiting and trying to get information, I had a particularly pitiful call with a nurse from my doctor’s office on Friday afternoon.

I’m lucky that I live in a pretty queer friendly world. My job, my family, and even my old timey neighborhood are all safe places for me to be out, and I am mostly met with a pretty high level of analysis and understanding about LGBTQ issues. And while my OB/GYN are certainly OK with queer stuff, they are also not very culturally informed – or, at least, not my doc and her nurses. Thus, my phone calls are usually infused with not only having to come out (over and over, everytime a new nurse calls) but also explain exactly what that means insofar as trying to get knocked up goes. I suppose the fact that we are going about this in a less than usual ‘artifical insemination’ fashion also makes things complicated.

So, while I am generally grateful that we have the ability to do this thing in a not-so-medicalized way, I am also longing to have a professional medical place that is somewhat cognizant of how our journey to conceive is unique from so many others. And I am especially tired of both explaining in depth everything I can and being patently ignored.

Reaching out for support from the medical profession has proved decidedly unfruitful. So I just keep tracking and temperature taking and peeing on sticks, hoping some sort of pattern will eventually emerge. As done as I have felt with looking at my cervical fluid (because it may very well mean nothing, and its hard to care when there is no discernable goal lurking ahead) I have kept doing it.

On Saturday morning,  stuck my fingers on up there and pulled out strands of clear slippery stuff. And I thought, “huh.” I looked at it so long that La half yelled “quit playing with your cervical fluid, I have to pee.” It was unusual, but nothing about the last few weeks has been usual.

Saturday afternoon, I came home from some errands and did my daily pee stick ritual. I have taken to peeing on both the ClearBlue easy smiley face digital OPKs and the cheap internet wondfo’s because the cost of amazon.com procured OPKs is worth having some sort of peace of mind. Even after the eggwhite cervical fluid, I wasn’t expecting anything. I happened to look down in the middle of cleaning my contact lenses and saw that big stupid grinning smiley face. And I thought, WTF? The wondfo was dark, not my usual positive, but dark enough to be considered a positive by internet OPK standards.

Apparently, my LH was surging.

I sent a text to both La and BFF and said, in effect, “um, sorry I have had no f’ing idea what is happening with my body but I think I’m ovulating? So maybe you can bring the swim team over tonight?” La called and was all like “um, what?!” and BFF sent back “Of course! I love you both!” And so, on Saturday night, we did our 6th insemination total, our first for this . . .uh . . .whatever it is.

Yesterday, even more eggwhite showed up, along with another smiley face (this is likely only because I had opened a new box of them) and an incredibly dark wondfo. Cue insemination #2.

And now, we wait. I wait to see if I get some sort of temperature rise (again?) to see what happens with my cervical fluid and the OPKs, to see if my period shows up . . .ever again, if a pregnancy test comes back positive. I’m not even sure what I am waiting for anymore. And that is oddly comforting.

I’m trying to retrace my data, look back at my chart, and figure out what’s going on. The first temperature shift was less significant than usual – although it was still there *and* corresponded to other fertility signs. The OPKs were never as clearly positive in February. All that cramping. All the nausea. The fact that this fertile patch is coming 28 days after the first . . .eerily ‘on time’ if I had gotten a period.

My best guess is that a cyst impeded ovulation, and this is my body’s second go at it. I certainly hope its an anomaly, anyway. Otherwise, I am currently on day 45, with ovulation likely to happen today – and that is a mighty long cycle, and probably not a good sign.

So . . .so. I wait. Like always. But now with no clear end in sight. A blessing and a curse.

An update. Not necessarily a lot of answers.

Hello gentle readers. Welcome to CD42, 26DPO.

I got the blood test results back:

HCG quantitative: less than 0

TSH: 3.55 (old normal, that most labs use = between 1 and 5; new clinical normal = .05-3, ideal conception range = under 2.5) Despite my asking multiple times, including while I was in the chair looking a needle in the facethey did not do a full thyroid panel, and so now I wait to see if #1 my doc will order the full panel like she claimed she already did and #2 if they will do the draw and lab without charging me. Ugh.

In other news: Today my temp jumped from 97.1 (its general above cover line range for this excessive luteal phase is about 97.1-97.4) to 97.6 – so, that’s weird. And, I have been getting very weird spotting for the last three days. This spotting is, literally, a drop of bright red blood in a dollop of clear cervical fluid. I have never had this before and its kind of weirdly unsettling. Today, I have also been experiencing pink tinged creamy cervical fluid.

I am hopeful that all of this menstrual madness is due to a cyst that is on its way to resolving itself. My ‘symptoms’ all point to a cyst of some kind – the nausea and cramping/pain quite soon after ovulation, the spotting, the delay in menses, the dizziness – all can be attributed to a cyst. It also might explain why my temperature shift was not as significant as usual, why my BBT temps have been lower than usual in the luteal phase, and why my OPKs never showed as clear a positive as they historically have.

The good thing about a cyst is that they are common, resolve on their own, and as long as they are fairly isolated, don’t indicate any ongoing problem. Our luck was shitty – to get this the first cycle trying to conceive. But, of all the possible issues to have, this is probably the best one.

That said, I still haven’t bled. And I imagine that until the blood comes gushing, I won’t be entirely free of my anxiety. I haven’t been this anxious to get my period since I was 11 and everyone except me was buying tampons and I was so jealous.

Tonight my acupuncturist did everything she could to get all my chi and blood flowing. I hope my uterus gets the message.

Thanks so much to all of you for keeping hope afloat and offering your words of wisdom, kindness and perspective. If you’ve got the time, put in some prayers that this never ending cycle is coming to a swift and speedy close.

After two weeks of feeling embarrassingly obsessed with the possibility of being pregnant, I am happy to return to a state of mind which includes more coherent and complex thoughts than “omigodwhatwasthattwingeinmybelly? whatdiesitmean?!” My type A personality keeps me productive at work, but once I was home for the day, it was no holds barred.

Saturday was long and sleepy and sad. But Sunday was fine, even with La leaving for California for a week, and today I am cheery and lighthearted. I am more sure now, after a negative result, than I was before we started trying that we will be parents – and soon. So I am trusting that calm and letting it guide me for now.

We went to game night at A+K’s house (they have the twin girls) and they gave us bags of baby stuff to look through. We had to do it then because it was going to a consignment sale and we didn’t want to hold them up. It was a little bittersweet, but I appreciate the thoughtfulness and am grateful to already be stockpiling hand-me-downs. Another friend told us there is a ton of items in her mom’s basement waiting for us whenever we are ready. I’m nervous about collecting too much – I don’t want to have a room full of baby stuff before there is a baby, it just crosses some line for me – but I’ve never been known to turn down free stuff. So, for now, we’re trying to figure out a line to walk.

In awkward news, a guy at my church approached me and actually asked  if I was pregnant.  He did it because of some posts I’ve made on facebook which, I guess, are very ‘first treimestry” (please note that when you have to try real hard to get knocked up you sometimes do things prior to conception that others do during the first trimester but, whatever.) I had to smile and say, “oh no, not yet. but we are trying.” He’s kind of a well meaning fuck up, and really it could have been worse but, for the love of God dude, you don’t ask people if they’re pregnant.

So now I’m just on the lookout for my period, which hasn’t shown yet. I’m 16DPO, which is kind of crazy for me (out of the four cycles tracked, I have had 1 13 day LP, 2 14 day LPs and 1 11 day LP.) I also still have milky-watery-creamy cervical fluid, which is also unusual for me. I’m chalking this up to my body’s first encounter with sperm in about 10 years. In any case, I would like to start bleeding so that I can have a formal end to this cycle and move on to the next. Its also somewhat important that I be able to project out ovulation so La and I can decide whether we are going to ditch her cousin’s fancy-ass straight wedding to inseminate or just dress up super gay and go. So, clearly, it is very IMPORTANT that my uterine lining pack up and leave already.

Onward, ho!

Aaaand . . .we’re back

La and I pulled into our gravel driveway at 3am this morning, after the 17 hour adventure through Indiana, Illinois, Missouri and Kansas. This is our third year driving back for Xmas and either we are getting used to it or the civic can haul ass because it hardly felt like the torturous process it usually does.

In the last week, there has been a lot to think about when it comes to babies . . .

*There was spending time with the fabulous nieces and nephews in Indy, two who are 7, one who is almost 4, the last who is 10 months.

*There was the hard to control comparison between the way 10 month old C is being raised in comparison to the Bug and the Bee.

*There was a baby born 10 weeks early to one of La’s cousins, the cousin who has been the most outspoken in her homophobia, and the joy that the baby is breathing on his own but also wondering if the same prayers would ever be sent on our behalf.

*There were two pregnant cousins and tons of other cousin’s babies racing around the room and thinking that maybe there would be three new babies to ooh and ahh over next christmastime.

*There was the unreadable silence from La’s sister in law when we shared our plans to start trying to conceive in a week and a half and wonder if she is judging us for our timing, our sexual orientation, or something else we don’t know about.

*There was news that one of my cousins is expecting as well – due in July. And my mom’s judgement of her second pregnancy and my confrontation of my mom’s judgement which is really a masked fear that my mom will be judging La and I when we become pregnant.

and . . .and . . .so much more. Suffice to say, I am very grateful that La and I have our first couples counseling session to talk about baby making in a little over two weeks. I always have a LOT of feelings . . .and now they are all bubbling to the surface.

In TTC cycle #1 news: I am on CD13 today, with OPKs still decidedly negative, CF still sticky bordering on creamy, and temperatures staying nice and low in the pre O phase (although interpretation might be a bitch this month, since driving 18 hours at a stretch through two time zones can really complicate the data collection in this case) We have our fingers crossed that ovulation will wait until Jan 8 or later, since BFF will be in NYC until Jan 7. I am feeling at peace with the possibility that we will miss this cycle due to BFFs visit home – it would really just put us back to the timeline we had initially expected – with three cycles tracked before trying. But I don’t think an attempt this month is off the agenda just yet – I would appreciate any and all prayers/woo/etc to make our timing work out.

Here we go!

Awesome + Bummer = still pretty awesome

Two things to report, one of them is TOTALLY AWESOME!! The other is potentially a bummer. However, since A. is pretty assuredly awesome and B. is only maybe a bummer, I think that balances to overall awesome.

A. My brother is gonna have a baby!!! Ok, his wife is going to be the one actually having the baby, but my brother made the baby too! They told us last night at our small family Xmas gathering – they are about 10 weeks along now, due in July. I am SO FUCKING EXCITED! My brother is older than me and for years was sitting on the fence about the baby thing. I figured he would be easily swayed and that his wife would probably talk him into it in the best least pressury way, cause she is amazing. They just moved into a new bigger house this past summer, so I was expecting to get this news soon but I am still freaking out about how awesome it is!!

If you know me on the outs (AKA ‘in real life’) please don’t say anything on the FB or other public forums as its still kinda on the DL. I figured this mostly anonymous audience was an ok place to squee! about how excited I am to be an auntie (in this way – La’s brothers have kids and I am their auntie but its a little different, ya know?)

B. Because of my wacked out cycles of the last few months, pinpointing ovulation at this point is feeling a little complicated. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal, as we are lucky to have fresh sperm on demand (BFF is so awesome about just dropping by and he lives close and we cook much better food than he usually eats – all bonuses!) and I could just play it by ear. This month, though, the holidays are making things complicated. Given how weird my cycles have been, I could ovulate anywhere from Friday Jan 4- Sunday jan 13th. That’s a big span of time. It also happens to partially overlap with when BFF will be out of town in NYC visiting him family.

He gets back Jan. 8th (in the am, I think) and is totally willing to just drop on by on his way back from the airport, so I don’t necessarily have cause to be sad yet – from a mathematical perspective, the average O day (of cycles I have tracked) is Day 24, which would be Jan 9th. And of the span of 8 days, he is gone for 3 and here for 5. If bodies paid any attention to logic or math, I would feel reasonably confident. Too bad they think math is for suckers and kind of do whatever they want.

It would be a bummer to miss ovulation this month after planning for so long to start trying in January, but ultimately, there isn’t much we can do to change it in any case – and as methodical as I am, I do also believe in things like fate and the universe having some say in things. La told me if it happens its because we were just meant to have a scorpio baby, not a libra. But, she’s is biased as a scorpio herself.

Ovulating earlier and missing our chance would mean a shorter (more typical) cycle, which isn’t a bad thing, and I’d have one more month of charting to better understand things. So, que sera sera.

But I will still totally take your posi woo to please ovulate on Jan 9th or later. kthanks.

In any case, I am way MORE excited about having a niece or nephew (and having a baby that is close in age to that niece or nephew) than I am about the slight possibility of having to put off insemination for one more cycle.

And . . .tomorrow starts Xmas break! No work until Jan 2! Watch out sleep, I am coming for you!! Christmas cookies – you too!

Your Children are not Your Children (Plus CD1: It Begins!)

This weekend was bookended between tragedy and  joy.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

Friday, of course, was another day in America where a single gunman managed to kill tens of people in moments. This time it was a barely not-baby killing a bunch of sweet 1st grade babies. I asked my facebook feed that afternoon – between checking the news, sobbing, and working – why I would want to bring children into a world where this happens? Not just a world where children might go to school on a sunny morning a week before Christmas and end up dead in piles – but a world in which a child would kill his mother and then continue to unleash his fury on children he didn’t even know. I am equally terrified of having children and losing them to the increasing militarization and violent world I live in as I am raising a child who could participate in that way. Neither option is off the table, no matter how hard I try to instill certain values or put protection in place.

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”

I was a 11th grader at a school less than 10 miles from Columbine High School in 1999 when the first school shooting of record happened. We had no understanding of the gravity of the situation. We left campus to eat 99 cent ice cream cones at Burgers Plus and watched news coverage on the scratchy TV there and no one knew what was going on but it never occured to us that someone would be killing people at school because that didn’t happen. In 15 years, it has become not only something that could happen, but something that does. Regularly. The fresh horror is only how young the children will be and how many will be killed and by what kind of advanced technology assault rifle.

I got a lot of thoughtful responses to my question, for which I am grateful. I am still struggling with the idea of intentionally bringing children into a world that is so broken and busted. But that is still my plan . . .maybe that’s the best explanation of humanity: that even when faced with evidence of unending pain and struggle, we still choose to bring forth life.

“The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.”

I am grateful that the remainder of my weekend felt much more life affirming that Friday did. Saturday I spent the day with my fave fatties talking about supporting awesome body love and working wingman magic for my buddy SB – we totally scored her a phone number! In the evening, we watched the Bee and the Bug and made them pages for their scrapbooks.

The best, though, by far was Sunday when the Bug and Bee had their 1st birthday party and baby blessing. I put my masters degree in theology to good work and facilitated a little ritual for them and their parents. It was really lovely. They are such beautiful babies and were brought into the world with such intention and love. I am grateful for the two of them and their wonderful parents and the many things I am learning about the struggle to raise children from their family. This morning, La went to do her regular gig watching them and found this:

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So much for the first name anonymity, eh?

I am very similar to Bug and Bee’s mama – we work in public health, are anxious type A overachievers and feel like we should be in charge even when we aren’t. It is beautiful to watch her parent and learn viscerally some of the things I know I will need to learn – about letting go, letting your children be who they are, recognizing your own limits and learning what your priorities really are. One of the readings we used during the blessing is a poem by Kahlil Gibran that I think is really wonderful. I have shared pieces of it above,but you should read the entire passage here (it’s brief!) 

In less heady updates: I started bleeding today, which makes us in Cycle #1 of trying to conceive. Holy shit balls! We have about 20 days until the swimmers will come to try out the pool and I’m hella nervous + excited. La is also pretty giddy, which is probably even better. This morning she said we should order our supplies – until I reminded her we were going to be in Indiana in less than a week. We decided to order towards the end of our stay since it will be a short timeline thereafter. We also agreed to have BFF and his BF over for dinner this week before we head out, since the next time we see BFF it will be sperm date night and it seems like we should have a little social time before that. Right?

Once again I am shocked at my lack of freaked-outedness at my shorter-than-last-time luteal phase, which was 10 days, if you care. Everything I’ve read suggests that’s about as short as you want it to be, but that pregnancy can definitely still be sustained. I picked back up my B6 intake (though it is still well within normal ranges) to give the ol’ LP a little boost, but am totally not sweating it.

So, now’s about the time I let you know that 1) I may become a more anxious and frequent poster come mid-January and 2) please feel free to send me whatever woo you believe in – baby dust, happy thoughts, good juju, prayers, etc. Please know they will be returned, for sure.

 

The Universe, Advent and Adorable Married Bears . . .oh my!

I’m trying to take a mental break from trying to figure the cycle stuff out. I don’t really have enough information to freak out and information is not (contrary to the way I have built my life) the key to success in any venture- this one in particular. So, I’m trying to talk myself off that ledge.

But its a place I am comfortable – facing misery head-on and seeking the beauty in its fringes. I worry that the extensive romanticizing of pain I did as an outcast adolescent set me up to crave and expect it. I have little to no concrete evidence that my life is somehow besmirched by tragedy – but you might not know it from the thoughts my brain sends pinging around back and forth. The groove is so well worn.

At 17, seeing my loneliness as beauty was a coping strategy that helped me survive to reach a space in which all the bullshit stopped mattering. At 17, no one would ever love me. At 17, no one would want to fuck me. At 17, no one understood me and that was probably for the best because I grew lovelier and lovelier in misunderstanding. Are you about to vomit, too?

My life is *good* now, y’all. I don’t say that for any other reason that to be so grateful for where I am – a place I legit thought I’d never see. I have found a love that surpasses everything I thought love could be. I have a job that pays me a living wage, that I really enjoy, surrounded by smart, funny, caring people – plus I can wear what I want and work a schedule that works for me. I live in a beautiful, if small, house with three charming and well behaved dogs. I have friends who show up in magnificent ways. We don’t make a lot of money but we have all of what we need and even some of what we want. There is a giant magical tree in my backyard, garden to grow, a box of worms turning my trash into earth.

And this is all a reminder. First and foremost that the universe does not have a vendetta against me (because the universe is not that petty, of course, but even if it were – I have no evidence to suggest that) but more so that I have beauty and kindness and wonder and if there are babies that share that and magnify it (and probably sometimes obscure it, too) – that will be lovely. And if there are not babies that come from my womb or La’s womb, there will be babies that come from somewhere else, or children, or both.

As myopic as I can be, I know that my happiness is not centered on getting pregnant or having a baby. AND, statistically speaking, I am probably gonna get knocked up in the next year and should shut.up.

But, if we do end up having a baby . . .there is now evidence to suggest that our babies will be super smart and well adjusted – and not just because we have excellent genes and are superior parents – but because we are GAY! 

And look how adorable it is to be gay and FINALLY getting married in Washington State. I hope La and I grow up to be just like these guys! Except maybe no camo hats cause I’m not super into camoflauge prints.

These guys got married in Washington State and I am 100% in love with their plaid-camo-beard love!

These guys got married in Washington State and I am 100% in love with their plaid-camo-beard love!

There are great things right now – my co-workers with their swelling bellies and their 2-days-apart due dates; my current favorite babies, the Bee and the Bug, who smile when I come to see them and curl up into my chest when they are sleepy; the season of Advent and the hope that comes with it; and only one more cycle until this project goes from research to experimentation . . .68044_380651752020110_1062987344_n