Adieu, troisième

I have written 2/3 of a very smart, thoughtful, insightful blog on public health and the coronavirus but it’s not done yet so you’ll have to wait.

But today, right now, the thing I am bringing to this space is this:

The decision is all but 100% confirmed and made: there will not be a gayby #3 in our family.

This is not what I want. Unfortunately, there is no compromise on the issue of having a baby, there is no halfway to meet at, there isn’t a way for everyone to win here.

I do not want to have a child with someone who is not fully and completely in agreement with that decision, and L is not. I do not want to end my marriage over the desire for a baby – I want to have another baby with them. And while I did not ask for all of the reasons L has come to this conclusion, I imagine if I knew them I would by and large agree with them. There are many many reasons why not having another child is the best idea.

But I am heartbroken. The sadness and grief is so similar to the pain I’ve felt during break ups. And even more, the pain I felt when I was trying to get pregnant and faced the amelioration of a planned future each month. Except now the sliver of hope that mitigated that sadness is gone. I feel physically wrecked with sadness.

It doesn’t help things that one of my lifelong best friends will welcome his third baby on Friday, and a friend of ours from preschool are due with baby #3 in a few months. Its not just that people are having babies, people are doing this crazy thing and having a third.

I will come out the other side of this. I don’t know how, but I will. If you have ways you got through it, I would gladly take them. For now, my primary approach to dealing with the pain is to ignore it, but when you have big feelings, they can only hold so long.


  1. No advice, but I hear and feel you. Our jury on Baby #3 is still deliberating. I’m firmly in the yes camp and she seems to waffle between the maybe and no positions. I hope she’ll come to yes, but I know I would (will?) feel similar grief if things don’t go that way. Sending love and light.


  2. I have so, so many thoughts about all of this, and so very much empathy for both you and L. There is certainly no individual winner in this situation. I’m holding you both in the light, and will just say you’re both doing an amazing job right now.


  3. Awe sorry. Just seeing this now. I was in this place last summer. I pushed hard. In October I got pregnant and felt a ton of uncertainty. I ended up miscarrying shortly after. It’s a hard place to be in missing what if’s but for me personally that yearning did fade. Obviously things have changed like crazy as we ended up separating but I totally understand your grief!


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