Out of Office

I’m shoved into a booth at Panera, one with no outlet nearby, drinking sub-par coffee and hoping I don’t get booted from the less than awesome wifi (for example, none of the pictures from Charlotte’s b-day party downloaded on Molly’s post, and I’m pissed about it.)

WHY?

Ah, well. That’s what I’m here to tell you about.

So . . .

Not long after I put my notice in, I had an experience with one of my least liked co-workers during a project meeting where she chastised me for sending out an e-mail about a meeting I have historically facilitated and she was going to be facilitating in the future. I reacted with some critique about why she was upset, as I was still in my position and still responsible for the meeting. It devolved into a less than professional conflict, and I ended up leaving the meeting early. I sent an apology out to my other colleagues that day, and met with the specific co-worker to try and get a path moving forward, which we did. Honestly, I kind of just don’t like this woman and if I were staying in my job, I’d work harder to have a more friendly relationship but I’m NOT staying, so maintaining professionalism for my last few weeks was all I cared about.

The day after I wrote my last post, I got an e-mail from the ED at my current organization, letting me know I didn’t need to come to that Wednesday’s staff meeting. Ok, kind of weird but fine by me. I mentioned that it felt a little awkward, and she apologized and just said she was trying to figure out how to make the transition good for everyone. I went into the office during that time and just worked on things. I could overhear a little of what was happening, and it sounded like it was kind of drama.

My office mate and best work friend came in after the staff meeting visibly upset and said I should be glad I wasn’t there for the meeting, that weird stuff is happening. The following day, at my regular check in, the ED told me things were ‘up’ and she couldn’t tell me some things/wasn’t sure entirely what things were about, but did mention that ‘some people’ didn’t feel comfortable when Jerky coworker and I were in the same room. Thus, the request that I not attend staff meeting. I reassured my boss that Jerky Coworker and I had resolved our conflict and felt comfortable with our plan moving forward, and let her know I felt fine about maintaining a professional relationship for the end of my time. I reminded her that half the staff would be out last week at a conference in D.C. and half would be out this week at a training, and JC and I had no meetings scheduled for the remainder of my time at work.

I felt like this was the end of it. I was wrong.

A week ago yesterday, I got an e-mail from the ED asking me to work off site for my last two weeks. She still expected me to meet with folks as scheduled and would have my celebration lunch this thursday, but felt like it would be a ‘smoother transition’ if I wasn’t in the office.

My feelings were SO FUCKING HURT. In those first few minutes, I considered telling her she could figure out writing the end of the year report by herself because I was DONE. But, the fact is, I like my boss and have always had really good experiences at work, up until the last 6 months or so. It’s also just not in my character to cut and run. I was just so very hurt.

We ended up talking the following day about it, and she told me that she really felt like this would make it less awkward for me (I wasn’t feeling awkward and had let her know the week before what I needed for a good transition) but also let me know that she had heard from others that there was a ‘general awkwardness about’ my transition and anxiety about JC and I sharing space (even though, as pointed out before, we wouldn’t be. but whatever) and so she thought this was best. I countered that perhaps if people didn’t feel comfortable with me that having a celebratory lunch didn’t really make sense, and she pushed back. I finally conceded to the plan, with the caveat that whatever announcement she made to the staff make it clear that I had not chosen to work outside the office, but it had been asked of me.

The upside to this is that I have been working when I want to, and not at all 8 hour days. I don’t feel guilty about this at all, even though I normally would. I had a report and a few additional bits and pieces to get done, and so I’ve been taking my time getting those things done, and taking the rest of the time to go swimming with A + L, or just hang out with my kid. But, I still feel hurt and uncomfortable.

I went in this morning to meet with the colleague who is taking most of my job, to show her how to enter the necessary data for the end of the year and have a transition call with the federal project officer, and IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

The person I was supervising (who you may remember from this experience ) and who I have figured might be behind the weirdness (which, also, according to my boss goes far beyond me, it just includes me) totally gave me major side eye glares, and everyone else just seemed hella uncomfortable. I wanted to announce when I left, “I’m leaving the building now, so y’all can have your ‘safe space’ back!”

And yet, I’m supposed to feel awesome on Thursday when everyone ‘celebrates’ me? These people who are so scared of my sharing space with someone they can’t work? It’s funny how those same people will be able to show up for a paid-for-by-the-org lunch with no issue, eh?

This has been the hardest part of the move, so far. Everything else seems to be moving along well. The truck is set to arrive on Friday between 10-2, we are on our way to cancelling and changing things, the house sale process is moving along – although may be delayed because the appraisal companys are all so behind due to the market – and while I am beginning to have some serious sads about leaving the place I’ve lived all my life and dealing with a lot of ‘lasts’, I am feeling confident and excited.

But this, this is miserable and demoralizing and so.fucked.up.

 

10 Things on a Monday Afternoon-ish

Now that I know that is was a wordpress hiccup and not a mass scale dislike of my blog content, I feel free to proceed with some more interesting content.

1. I feel like I have to say something about the United States right now, about what the actual fuck is happening?! Because how can I not? To not at least nod my proverbial head in the direction of the social milieu seems, well . .. intentional. At the same time, I don’t know what to say. There’s far too much out there already, so so many words. Most of them are better thought out, or more inspirational, or actually useful. And the purpose of this blog is not to write something so popular it becomes viral, or to win any awards for writing or eloquence or persuasion. The purpose of this blog has always been to record my observations from this thing called life, and connect with maybe a few other humans in the world. So, what I can say is this: I am growing increasingly distressed about the world and, moreso, about the country I live in. I am growing more sure that this moment is about to turn, like we are on a precipice of something significant: civil war or a movement that will change things. I know that I am not the only one who cannot continue to live in a country where mass shootings are the norm, where a militiarized police force brazenly and violently practices anti-black racism, where our lawmakers continue to stick their heads in the sand and legislate foolishness. I’m hopeful and terrified.
2. After 25 months, I have rejoined the menstruating ranks! I’ve felt some pinching in the ol’ ovary area for the last few weeks, but I really was legit shocked when I went to the bathroom this morning and discovered blood. I night weaned close to 7 weeks ago, so it feels like it makes sense that I would get a period around now. I downloaded my old fertility friend and logged in only to discover it had been quietly keeping up with my anticipated cycles since I’d left it for greener pregnancy pastures and, wouldn’t you know, it predicted my cycle to start tomorrow. Kind of weird. In other news, I managed to forget how much bleeding from the uterus SUCKS.
3. I haven’t said much, but Gayby 2.0 is still in the works, although it’s dropped a notch in priority with all the other activity. We did one at home insemination this last month, but no double lines. We’ll be giving it one last DIY try this month before we leave Colorado and BFF, our donor. But, the good news is . . .
4. I looked up my insurance benefits and while I cannot completely confirm because I found the info on my own and was not guided by an official HR representative, I am 98% sure that the new insurance covers infertility treatments. Obviously, I don’t have information about the whats and hows and how muches, but I do know it was clearly listed in the ‘covered services’ under the plan I will have. Leaving BFF was one of the drawbacks of heading to the NW, but with some coverage, we have the chance to potentially have him bank some sperm to do IUIs and/or IVF.
5. Which also reminds me . . .last May I got my first bill for embryo storage which made sense, as they’d been frozen the prior May and one year of storage was included in the IVF package we chose. But, I haven’t seen this years bill and it’s making me hella fucking nervous. I called and left a message today and am hoping I’ll get word soon. I’m TOTALLY going down the weird rabbit hole of what I will do if I find out they accidentally destroyed them or something and I need to just STOP.
6. Ansel and Laurie are going to Indy this weekend for her brother’s birthday. More than the b-day celebration, she’s going because with the move and having to juggle two long distance families, it may be a while before the Hoosiers get to see Ansel. I’m not going because money and also work. I’m both SUPER sad and SUPER excited. All at once. I am going to pump a few times this week, which I haven’t done in almost 4 months, so L can have some breastmilk to take with her (A doesn’t drink cow milk, though we definitely tried) and I’ll pump a couple times while they’re gone so I don’t lose my supple (which I don’t think happens so easily this far in, but I don’t want to chance it) but my biggest fear is that he will come back and have weaned himself. It’s only 48 hours and he LOVES nursing so I’m probably getting worked up for nothing. But, still . . .on the other hand, I intend to watch 2 full seasons of Game of Thrones (L isn’t into it!?!) and sleep A LOT.
7. We took Ansel to the Renaissance Festival yesterday and he LOVED IT. This makes me especially happy because RenFest is where my nerd heart is happiest. He ate a turkey leg like a boss, was the most adorable pirate EVER, and held on to the smooth blue rock the fairy gave him like it was the most precious thing he’d ever seen. 
8. Walking up and down hills on a shitty ankle in a giant walking boot was, however, maybe not the best idea for me. I made it happen but I was hurting last night. Also, can we talk about my hair in that picture? I’m letting my (rather copious amounts of) gray come in and usually I can be ok with it but then I see pictures like that and I’m like ohmyfuckinggodimsoold. Gray hair plus blody not working has left me feeling like 35 is a lot older than I thought it was.
9. Once you put in notice at a job, it is REALLY REALLY hard to maintain any sense of motivation. It’s even harder when you have been relieved of the vast majority of your duties AND you have a LOT of sick time banked. I am trying my hardest you all but I am definitely suffering from a severe case of shorttimer’s syndrome.
10. 28 days until we move. Holy fucking shit.

Bueller?

Hey, if you can see this in your reader, will you gimme a like or comment? I posted last week and got almost no response and I’m just trying to determine if I’m SUPER boring, or if stuff isn’t showing up for folks.

I won’t take it TOO personally if I’m just boring.

Falling into Place

Since last I updated you, our house in Colorado has gone under contract and we’ve signed a lease for a place in Seattle. With those two bookends handled, plus being able to walk again (hallelujah!) things are feeling significantly less stressful than they did when last I stopped by!

Last Tuesday, we hauled the menagerie out, A and the spaniel Eliot went to my mom’s house, the two bulldogs went to hang out with our friend and her great dane (Cletus LOVES that tall drink of water), Laurie took a much needed day to herself (she and her mom worked their hoosier asses off all weekend getting things set for the cleaners) and I headed to work. About a half hour in, I got my tell-tale wiggly line migraine aura and knew I had 30-40 minutes to get somewhere dark and cool before the blinding pain and nausea hit. Lucky for me, some of our friends had a lockbox on their house and weren’t home, so I went there and drank a cup of coffee, swollowed 6 ibuprofen, and laid down in the dark. I ended up falling asleep for FOUR hours, and waking up with only the residual migraine hangover. It did make me think, though, about how we won’t have that in Seattle. Not initially, anyway. I won’t have a whole crew of folks I can just reach out to when things are in a tough spot.

But, the house got cleaned, and that evening, our realtor showed it to someone. On Wednesday, the photographer came and took pictures, on Thursday our realtor showed the house to the same person + her husband, and on Friday we got an offer from this couple. Had we put it on the market, we likely could have gotten above asking rather quickly, but this way we will be able to close the day we leave for Seattle and not worry about any other showings, open houses, etc. And, we still got asking and will walk away with over $100K after commission and fees, so anything more would have felt greedy. This statement illustrates, in a nutshell, how different I am from my family.

I also, on Thursday, came across a listing for a house in Seward Park, in our budget, takes three dogs. I know next to nothing about Seattle neighborhoods, other than what my friends have told me. But I did know that Seward Park is near Colombia City, and everyone told me Colombia City is the cute queer family neighborhood. So, I sent my friend off to look at the house on Friday. When she reported back that it was in good condition, in a fairly safe place, and very close to her and our other friends, we decided to apply.

I forgot the bullshittery that is renting. Sure, you’re under a microscope financially when you apply for a mortgage, but somehow it feels like a more bureaucratic and official judgement – less personal. The landlord we talked to needled me about my job – was it full time or part time? Could I REALLY afford the rent? – about the dogs – were they ACTUALLY well behaved? why should she believe me? – about my KID – who was going to take care of him? how much would THAT cost? It’s hard not to feel like someone thinks you’re a liar. Despite providing an offer letter that included my pay rate and number of hours, documentation of my good credit, and my totally acceptance of the (outrageous) pet fee in order to assure her of my dogs good nature, I still got the haranguing. BUT, the lease is signed and the deposit is on it’s way to them, and we have an address to arrive at on August 6th.

And so now we just have to get from here to there. No problem.

In other, more interesting news . . .

Ansel is rounding the corner on 16 months! And it feels like he is gaining skills, words and adorable quirks almost daily!

1. He has a bunch of new words: bubbles, beep beep, mooo (more like mmmm but always in response to cows), wheee, Cletus (clee- eee), Meemee (for L, mommy), choo choo and . . .more, I think. This plus dog, woof, bye bye – the ones he had before.
2. He FINALLY signs “please” when he wants to nurse. Usually before dive bombing my shirt, but not always. This has been a hard won and long sought after battle.

1. He’s getting a molar! This will bring his total tooth count to 7 – still behind many of his peers, but exciting for his food enjoyment.
2. Speaking of, the barfing due to texture is all but gone (knocking on every surface because you don’t temp fate when it comes to vom) and he’s enjoying a LOT more foods now! 

5. He wakes us up and wants to go outside to either blow bubbles or swing (he points and says “eeeee!” because that’s the sound you make on the swing!)

6. His tender heart cries when he hears his scout dog play lullaby music.

7. We took him to Tiny town last weekend and he LOVED the train. Followed it everywhere saying, “choo choo” and all but running to find it.

The countdown is on: We leave for Seattle in exactly a month – on August 5th!