Anatomy Scan (21w4d)

Yesterday, we confirmed (visually, anyway) that seafoam is still in my uterus, growing away! The last time we saw him, he looked like a gummy bear, so it was exciting to see something resembling a human baby on the screen this time around!

The little dude is looking good, too. All the parts are there (and he is still a boy!) and looking good – heart beating strong, kidneys with excellent blood flow, a spine, two legs and two arms – all of it right on track. They are estimating his weight at 1lb 1oz right now, which is closer to 23 weeks . . .but they said they aren’t concerned about his size at this point. I am not at all shocked that he might be a big dude, as he comes from big people. My placenta is

Our crib, dresser and glider were delivered this weekend. It’s super exciting to finally have that room full of baby things! We went to get a crib mattress on Saturday and ended up registering while we were at the store, figuring there might be family folks who would be shopping on ‘black friday’ and could get a deal at one of the places we’ve registered. We also went through the boxes of donated clothes friends and family have given us, and pulled out all the newborn and 0-3 stuff to assess what (if anything!) we still needed on that end. As you can see, we don’t need much:

Cletus, our big bully, LOVES babies . . . he adores our nephew and loved on our goddaughters, so you can imagine he’s quite excited to have one of his own:

I am feeling seafoam much more frequently and with much more intensity in the last week or so. Last night after I got up to pee, he rolled around for a good 15 minutes solid and I felt all of it. The thumps and bumps are more significant, and the tickles seem to happen all the time now. Also a general whoosh of weight shifting that I would think was my stomach doing flip flops if it weren’t happening much lower.

The carpel tunnel is still nagging me and making work slower and more difficult, but I think I’m probably just going to have to learn to live with it. I have a warm rice bag (thanks to HoundMamas!) which soothes the pain a little. The stretches have also helped a bit – so thanks to everyone who gave me recommendations!

My bestie from HS will be back in town this week with his wife and daughter – and his wife is also pregnant with their second, due in February! I’m excited to see them all and get to share part of this journey with them.

Up, Up and Away (21 weeks)

It’s been a really fun week to be pregnant, which is a nice change after a kind of busted month. Some of the awesome is what’s NOT happening (like almost-daily meetings with the colleague I supervise, or text messages from Hero that leave me feeling drained and confused) and some of that is what IS happening, like these things:

• I got a call from the place where we ordered our crib, dresser and glider, letting us know all of the parts were in (we ordered so early because the crib set we liked was being discontinued and we didn’t have any idea how long it might take to get it in!) which means they are getting delivered TOMORROW! I’m excited to have the furniture there so we can start setting other things up. I’m also excited to put the newborn and 0-3 clothes in the dresser so we can assess what we might still need to register for or buy.
• I got my new maternity shirts! It’s been really nice to wear something other than the small rotation of previously acquired shirts or t-shirts that ride up my belly. La thinks this is cute, but it is definitely not professional, even in my pretty relaxed office culture.
• Last night, La and I made hot-air balloon buddies for Seafoam’s mobile! The paper lantern parts will be attached to a lamp (to be purchased at Ikea this weekend) and hung above the crib (and obviously, not in the shower on hangers!) I’m pretty charmed by them! Our nursery “theme” is Hot Air Balloons, so this seemed about perfect. We got some fluff to make a few little clouds as well.
• 
• We had a midwife appointment this morning and heard another glorious heartbeat! I’m at the point where I am feeling Seafoam quite a bit, and his movements are sometimes less tickle-scratch and more full on thump, but I’m still not feeling them all the time/consistently. So, I’ll feel him like crazy for a bit, then not at all for hours on end – and I’ll be honest, it freaks me out a little. So I was definitely looking forward to hearing the little dude and making sure he was still doing ok in there. He gave me a little early support when he made his presence known quite well in the waiting room. Thanks, Seafoam!
• Our TWO (?!) showers are in the works. I can’t tell you how amazingly grateful we are to have two different groups of people throwing us parties to celebrate the little dude’s arrival. Our good friend, who I’ll call Belle, my mom and sister-in-law are planning one for the end of January here in Colorado, and La’s mom, aunt and cousin are planning one for November in Indiana. For maybe the first time ever, I have relinquished approximately 99% of these events to the folks who are doing the planning (with the exception of telling Belle a few of our ‘wishes’ – no gender separate spaces, no over-gendering of the party, no games that center around my size) – which is a big deal for me. It feels somewhat overwhelming to have a big event every month for the next 4 months (then of course, the big event just a bit after that!) with the holidays, but I also feel so blown away with appreciation and gratitude that I’m gonna do my best to enjoy every moment of it all!

Of course, my carpel tunnel is still making life kind of painful and hard. Goofy the midwife recommended braces at night, swimming to help with circulation and blood flow, more water (more?! I don’t think its possible!) and less salt. So, I’m going to invest in some better quality braces for sleeping and hope it helps. This morning my hands hurt so bad and my range of motion was incredibly limited. Once again, I’m scared about dealing with this for months on end (of note, the stuffiness and post nasal drip is now manageable, so I actually should chill out with the dooms day shit!)

I’m excited, too, about Thanksgiving. I really hate the origins of the holiday, which are steeped in the most egregious american mythology around, but the concept is one I really dig. More gratitude, more of the time! Plus, there aren’t stupid consumerist expectations that make me uncomfortable, which helps. Just delicious food and getting to hang out with the family! But, I also usually sign myself up for too much (which I have done again!)

I’ll leave you with the bump at 21 weeks:

Pins and Needles (20w3d)

First of all, we hit 20 weeks! Happy half gestation day to Seafoam!

And then my hilarious, super hot wife turned 34! Lookit what a babe she is:

The bulldogs frequently lose their bones under the couch and sweet lala retrieves them, as she is doing here.

Meanwhile, I have developed yet another kind of sucky pregnancy symptom: carpel tunnel. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my hands were falling asleep at night. I knew this was potentially a thing that could happen in pregnancy, and chalked it up to sleeping on my side (generally, I’m a back sleeper.) In the last week, the frequency of the numbness has increased, and its now accompanied by pain in my thumbs and fingers and weakness throughout my hand when I wake up. I’m also now struggling with numbness and tingling at work while typing, which has never been a problem before (but particularly sucks since I’m knee deep in writing training designs, which is a typing heavy aspect of my already desk based job.) I bought a cheap brace at the grocery store last night and wore it over night. That, plus switching my snoogle so I can sleep more comfortably on my left side (instead of favoring the right, like I have been) seemed to make a difference, at least in the frequency of numbness. The pain at work, however, is the same.

I have a midwife appointment this week, so I’ll bring it up (again) and see what she suggests. At my 17 week appointment she just told me to drink more water. But considering I average a gallon a day and am still struggling, I think I’m going to push for something else – even if its just a prescription for a better brace to wear at night and/or at work.

I’m still having lots of sads (and mads too, although less so) but it feels less overwhelming and all encompassing than it did last week. After a difficult phone call a week ago this past friday, Hero told me she needed “time to process” and would contact me when she had. 10 days went by with no word from her. When I finally sent her a text saying, “hey, I know you’re processing and all but 10 days feels kind of long and sad for me” she went off about how what I’d said was “devestating” and she didn’t feel comfortable contacting me. This is sort of how her martyr cycle goes, but it makes me simultaneously angry and really sad. I said how I felt . . .calling that “devestating” feels a little . . .overblown? In any case, it’s still a thing and I really need it not to be.

I also know I’m still on the outs with the hormone feels because I am soooo pissy about my order of new maternity shirts taking so f’ing long to get shipped to me! Its stupid right, except I am actually now at the stage where most of my non-pregnancy shirts just aren’t long enough to cover my bump and I only own 4 maternity shirts, plus some regular tank tops that when appropriately layered can get me through. But I feel kind of desperate for some different shirts to wear by the end of the week. 100% first world, white girl problems but . . .a problem never-the-less.

We are finally about 99% finished cleaning out what was “the office” and will now be the “guest bedroom” (as seafoam’s room was the old guest bedroom) which is awesome because the office was never really an office, but more of an intermediate term storage space that roughly resembled Harry Potter’s room of requirement. We moved the lovely antique secretary’s desk (that I adore and La thinks is useless) into our bedroom where at least it gets more air time, if not more actual use. La’s mom is coming out for a few days next week and we’ll be buying a new day bed/futon for the room that she can use (and by we I mean she will, because she’s awesome) and a few other final touches that will make it actually useable. Next project: seafoam’s room!

And finally . . .Here’s your 20 week fat girl baby bump shot. It seems smaller?! But it doesn’t feel that way! And my shirts would tell another tale.

I think I need to update more frequently because I SWEAR I had a bunch of more interesting topics to talk about, but seafoam stole the blood to my brain and now I have no clue what those interesting things might have been.

Heart Replaces Brain (19w3d)

I really really can’t believe that I am just steps away from the halfway point of pregnancy. I was thinking last night about how time was crawling by in June, waiting for our transfer. And it felt like a lifetime to get from 8 to 12 weeks. And then, here we are. Almost 20 weeks. I hear this phenomenon only intensifies after the baby comes out of the womb.

Mostly, things are going ok. Except that I seem to have lost my brain (I am sorry to all of the pregnant women whom I did not believe before; pregnancy brain is real)  and my propensity for tears (already marked) seems to have taken up residence in the space my memory once occupied. Of course, one (the loss of blood flow to my brain) is full of cutesy stories; the other feels a whole lot harder.

I’ll start with the funny: Last week I forgot my job title. TWICE. I had to exit out of the document I was working on, open a blank e-mail (with my signature line – and title – on it) and then go back to the document. Of course, the first time I did this and returned to the document, I’d already forgotten my title again. Yep. Then I forgot my phone number, while in the midst of leaving it on a voice mail. I now have a card with both my work and cell phone number taped to my desk. What have I come to?

The sadness is broader, less easy to capture. I can’t quite explain what is making me sad, although I do manage to come up with reasons that at least allow me to cry about it and get some release. This morning it was about my birthday, which was a month ago and was, well . . .just kind of disappointing. Why am I thinking about this now? Why, because it’s La’s birthday, of course! What a perfect time to mull over your own disappointments – right when you should be celebrating someone else. Ugh.

What’s hard is that I can actually see how shitty and ridiculous all of this is from the outset (not even the end of the crying jag!) and yet it doesn’t stop me from crying or from feeling sad, even kind of depressed.

My bestie, Hero, is another sore spot. Since I last updated you here, Hero stopped seeing crazy Smokey, then decided to just stop taking her anti depressants, then took a tumble down the rabbit hole, then got back on meds (different ones) and since then has been in a very serious and deep depression. She also found out that her ex girlfriend (with whom she was in a terribly abusive and co-dependent relationship) is dying of cancer.

Shit has been hard for Hero. But she’s responded to it by, basically, isolating herself from everyone and everything in her life. I’ve seen her 2 times since September – once on a drive up to see the aspens where she chain smoked every chance she got, and drank a whole bunch at lunch; the second time at my birthday where she, again, spent most of the dinner outside chain smoking by herself. The third time she came over for a football game, saw we had other people over, went directly to the back yard where she – you guessed it – chain smoked, then asked to leave out the back gate. Every other plan we’ve had, she’s cancelled. She does call me sometimes and wants to spend hours on the phone talking which is a painful thing for me, since I am very public about how difficult phone conversations are for me.

I’ve tried expressing my concern for her in a lot of ways, but I also feel like the further I get into pregnancy, the less time and energy I have to be someone’s crisis call when that person isn’t also showing up for me. In our 10+ year friendship, Hero has been deeply depressed/dealing with incapacitating anxiety/in a hella fucked up relationship that renders her virtually incapacitated for – I’m estimating here – 7/10 of them. I’m starting to feel like I can’t continue to show up for her, when it feels like it’s just on repeat.

So, I kinda told her all of that. And probably, in another world where I wasn’t 19 weeks pregnant, I wouldn’t have said it at all or at least I would have been less blunt. So, there’s that too.

I’m worried about this sadness influx because I’m already on a medication (celexa) which I’ve been taking at the same dose for many, many years. I know pregnancy wacks out your hormones and makes everything a little weirder/harder, but I also don’t want this to get out of hand . . .out of hand could = OB instead of midwife. out of hand could = PPD, of which I am terrified.

So, I’m trying to manage. This is not really the rage of BCPs. It’s sadder. It feels like just needing to cry, or feeling kind of out of it, or feeling helpless. As a long time sufferer of anxiety, it feels hard. Anxiety makes you amped up, do things. This feels really small and quiet and hard. The plan right now is to call our very fabulous couples counselor to see if she’ll see me one-on-one and give me some tools. Try that for a while, and hopefully, it eases the flood of feelings. If not, I talk to the midwife and see where it goes with her.

In less distressing news, I am now feeling Seafoam just about every day, and with much more conviction! Although we are still not at “kick” level, it is definitely very clearly someone touching me from the inside (and very clearly NOT gas or indigestion or muscle spasms!) It feels neat. And weird.

On Saturday night, Cletus (aka the Big Bulldog) spent a few hours with his giant head directly on my belly. Since bulldog snoring works so well as white noise for me, I’m hoping with this prep, it will work well for seafoam too!

I also started some knitting projects, just in time for the cold snap! I’m making La a new squishy red scarf, and Seafoam a pair of varigated green/blue/brown leg warmers! I’ll make sure to post the final projects soon!

That’s about it. Here’s your requisite 19 week picture! I found an awesome maternity consignment store less than a mile from my house and scored another pair of jeans. I’m glad that I work in a relaxed office, because basically all I wear anymore are maternity pants, maternity t-shirts, a scarf and a sweater. My tights are thisclose to not fitting over my belly (I can do it still, but it isn’t pretty or comfortable) – any recc’s on good maternity tights (vs. leggings) for a tall girl?

Bumps and Wishes (18w3d)

Well, I guess you know you are actually looking for real pregnant when semi-strangers/acquaintances start touching your belly without your permission. I guess it’s sweet? But also, isn’t there enough clear dislike for this practice and hasn’t enough of the population been pregnant for this not to be happening anymore? I guess I better get my arsenal of snarky comebacks ready though, because it’s my understanding that this is only going to increase.

In Other News . . .

La and I have been talking about getting a doula for our labor. We interviewed two different potential doulas last weekend, and are a bit stuck on who to go with. The first has TONS of experience (has doula’d at 19 births!) and is definitely more professional/polished about the business side of things. She also lives close and has a permanent back up doula, her business partner, who we could meet before hand. The other has less experience but shares a lot of our identities (is queer and has body politics) and I generally feel more comfortable with, but she lives further away and doesn’t have a solid back up. She is less expensive than doula A as well, and trained in hypnobabies, which is the birth method we are looking into.

(Any thoughts? Have any of you had doulas – if so, what mattered most/made the experience the most worthwhile? What did you think you’d care about and then didn’t?)

I tell you this to A) solicit your feedback (see above) and B) tell you a story.

The story is that we gave this info to my mom at lunch yesterday, hoping she’d give her opinions/insight. La was the one who thought my mom would be all down with the doulas. I didn’t really. But, I figured I should trust what La was seeing and give it a shot.

So, we brought it up . . .and most of her first questions were about what a doula was (fair enough) which then led us to explaining the difference between a midwife and a doula, which then led to my mom asking, “But you have a DOCTOR too, right?!” and my explaining that, no. we didn’t. because we have a midwife and so we don’t need a doctor. She kept saying things like “But there will be a doctor there, just in case, right?!” To which I conceded, yes, there would be a doctor present if something horrible happened.

We didn’t really GET to the doula conversation because she just kept pushing the point about the midwife vs. the OB. When I mentioned why we’d wanted a midwife (because we want fewer – ideally no – interventions) she launched into things like, “well, sometimes you don’t have a choice!” which, obvs, I know . . .but she just couldn’t fathom not 100% trusting whatever a doctor wanted to do. “I chose my doctor and I trusted them!” she said. To which I wanted to respond, “and I chose a midwife . . .so lay off!”

Lately, my fuse (for both tears and rage) is much shorter, and so I felt lucky to make it to the car before erupting into tears. And since then I’ve been stuck with this kind of deep sadness that my mom just doesn’t support my decisions around pregnancy and childbirth, and that she may very well not support some of the decisions I make about parenting. This isn’t a shock to me, honestly. My mom tends to judge a lot of things that she doesn’t have personal experience with . . .but I suppose in this moment, more than many others, I want deeply to connect with my mom about MY becoming a mom. And I’m just not sure I trust her to be open to my ideas and perspectives. And that makes me feel deeply, deeply sad.