Well, I guess you know you are actually looking for real pregnant when semi-strangers/acquaintances start touching your belly without your permission. I guess it’s sweet? But also, isn’t there enough clear dislike for this practice and hasn’t enough of the population been pregnant for this not to be happening anymore? I guess I better get my arsenal of snarky comebacks ready though, because it’s my understanding that this is only going to increase.
In Other News . . .
La and I have been talking about getting a doula for our labor. We interviewed two different potential doulas last weekend, and are a bit stuck on who to go with. The first has TONS of experience (has doula’d at 19 births!) and is definitely more professional/polished about the business side of things. She also lives close and has a permanent back up doula, her business partner, who we could meet before hand. The other has less experience but shares a lot of our identities (is queer and has body politics) and I generally feel more comfortable with, but she lives further away and doesn’t have a solid back up. She is less expensive than doula A as well, and trained in hypnobabies, which is the birth method we are looking into.
(Any thoughts? Have any of you had doulas – if so, what mattered most/made the experience the most worthwhile? What did you think you’d care about and then didn’t?)
I tell you this to A) solicit your feedback (see above) and B) tell you a story.
The story is that we gave this info to my mom at lunch yesterday, hoping she’d give her opinions/insight. La was the one who thought my mom would be all down with the doulas. I didn’t really. But, I figured I should trust what La was seeing and give it a shot.
So, we brought it up . . .and most of her first questions were about what a doula was (fair enough) which then led us to explaining the difference between a midwife and a doula, which then led to my mom asking, “But you have a DOCTOR too, right?!” and my explaining that, no. we didn’t. because we have a midwife and so we don’t need a doctor. She kept saying things like “But there will be a doctor there, just in case, right?!” To which I conceded, yes, there would be a doctor present if something horrible happened.
We didn’t really GET to the doula conversation because she just kept pushing the point about the midwife vs. the OB. When I mentioned why we’d wanted a midwife (because we want fewer – ideally no – interventions) she launched into things like, “well, sometimes you don’t have a choice!” which, obvs, I know . . .but she just couldn’t fathom not 100% trusting whatever a doctor wanted to do. “I chose my doctor and I trusted them!” she said. To which I wanted to respond, “and I chose a midwife . . .so lay off!”
Lately, my fuse (for both tears and rage) is much shorter, and so I felt lucky to make it to the car before erupting into tears. And since then I’ve been stuck with this kind of deep sadness that my mom just doesn’t support my decisions around pregnancy and childbirth, and that she may very well not support some of the decisions I make about parenting. This isn’t a shock to me, honestly. My mom tends to judge a lot of things that she doesn’t have personal experience with . . .but I suppose in this moment, more than many others, I want deeply to connect with my mom about MY becoming a mom. And I’m just not sure I trust her to be open to my ideas and perspectives. And that makes me feel deeply, deeply sad.