So, as I mentioned . . .no one shot gayby #2. Womp womp. It’s kind of amazing how easy it has been to get through the wait and the BFN – for both of us – I suspect mostly because Ansel keeps us incredibly busy. And, it’s early still. And, from my perspective, it’s not my uterus, so . . .

Besides the small human, who is rapidly acquiring new words, stable walking skills and adorable mannerisms, there’s a lot going on to keep us from counting down days too much. Although, we definitely both got google happy when L got unusual cramping and then had some spotting two days before her period, which is also unusual. You can’t entirely lose the TTCrazies.

Tomorrow, L has her interview with the school in Olympia. She’s SO prepared. And she’s SO nervous, because she wants this badly. It’s so fucking hard to want something badly and have only so much control over the outcome. That said, whoever you pray to/talk to/get down with insofar as the universe/God/etc. we’d sure appreciate a good word put in on our behalf.

Last week I met with my orthopedic doc to review the MRI and was told in no uncertain terms I need surgical intervention. I can choose an arthroscopic procedure now, or an ankle fusion in a few years (um, the answer is pretty obvious) – my decision was affirmed on Saturday night when I rolled my ankle just . . .walking . . .on sidewalk . . .sober . . .in flats.  So I’ll be getting surgery by the end of May, which includes 6 weeks of non weight baring recovery. We’ve decided to use this somewhat unfortunate turn of events to night wean Ansel.

He’s still waking 2-3 times a night, sometimes more, sometimes less. I’m a little shocked at how accustomed to it I’ve gotten and can’t really fathom what life will be like when he sleeps more soundly. I know night weaning may not have the desired effect of helping him sleep longer stretches, but since I really won’t be able to get up and nurse him in the night (at least, not on my own) it seems like a good time to experiment at least?

We haven’t made final decisions about details, but I’m guessing I’ll still nurse him to sleep at bedtime, and we’ll likely choose a time (I’m thinking 4 or 5am at this point) when he can come to bed with us and nurse. All other wake ups, L will handle and there will be no milk. Advice and experience with night weaning would be appreciated!

Speaking of nursing . . .

OMG my baby is boob obsessed. I was starting to get worried . . .about what, I’m not sure? But a quick check in with my local nursing mom’s group reassured me that emergent toddlers are often VERY frequent nursers. And by very frequent, I mean when I’m home he’s on and off my boob basically the entire time we are in one another’s company. Also, I think he’s working on his Cirque moves:


Yes, that is a foam “E” in his hand. 

I think Colorado might be ready to let go of the heavy wet snowstorms and move on to just sunny sun sun, although it’s not safe until mid May or later here in the rockies. Still, we are enjoying some spring time fun – trips to the park, building a sandbox for the boy in the yard, and hanging out at the food cart bar!

Things with my colleague seem to be . . .ok? I dunno. After the walk out, there hasn’t been any direct conversation about the whole thing, at least nothing that involves me. It seems almost to have disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Which is fucking weird, and a little unsettling. But . . .better than the alternative of still being stuck in weird tension-conflictlandia? I guess we’ll see?

My final thought is this: I’m not sure how it’s possible, but somehow, Ansel hugging and kissing us intentionally can TOTALLY make up for the fact that this week he also barfed all over both of the dogs and pooped on the carpet and played with it. (In his defense, it was during naked time, so we should have known it was a possibility and supervised a little more closely) This is the paradox of parenthood.

Bullet. proof.

I’m sticking with bullet points because things feel all over the place.

  • On Saturday morning, L said “I think I’m getting my period.” And I was like, “Um, you are not due for your period until Wednesday or Thursday, so . . .?” And she said, “Well, I’m having cramps and I usually only get cramps the day of my period.” But her period didn’t come. The cramps went away on Sunday, and she took a test. Nothing there. I explained that things that have “never happened” during your menstrual cycle will start happening when you are TTC because that’s just the weird way the world works. BUT I also said that menstrual cramps on 9 DPO could be a good thing. You’d think I’d be more helpful, having actually been pregnant before, but the only sign I had before I was officially pregnant was feeling run down like I was getting sick. In the prior two years, however, I felt everything from twinges and cramps to nausea and spotting. She decided not to test again until Thursday. Obviously we are both hoping this will be it, and . . .it just feels impossible to believe that could ever happen. Although I know it does. Just not to us, right?
  • Late Thursday/Friday, Ansel went from sort of walking between things to full scale free ranging all the time. Like, he’s just walking everywhere, all the time. I didn’t realize that there were levels to walking – first they master a couple of steps, then a few in a row, then small spaces, and then finally no end in sight walking. He still occasionally tumbles to the floor, or does a sort of weird lunge into things, but he stands up and keeps on going.
  • Other things Ansel started doing a lot more this weekend: Saying “No”, hugging and kissing the dogs, obsessively playing with the overhead light remote.
  • The shit with my colleague continues to plague my work life. It was supposed to come to an end on Friday, but she decided she couldn’t be at that meeting, so it’s still a fucking thing. After a good talk with my therapist, I got some clarity on my boundaries and what I needed to do in order to make this whole thing work for me. I guess we’ll see what comes of it. My boss was NOT AMUSED on Friday when she decided to bail. My boss is a sweet, bird like woman who gives us stones on the equinox and sells do-terra oils on the side. But today she sent a no-shit-taking e-mail and told me in no uncertain terms she’s over this bullshit. But I don’t think it will necessarily be over.
  • Ansel hit 13 months! Did I tell you my process about how to talk about my kids age? I did weeks until after 12, then only months. I’ll stick with months till he’s two, then it’s just years with some modifiers. When people tell me about their 45 month old my eyes go funny and I tune out because I am NOT a math person.wp-1461003660513.jpg
  •  Ansel hasn’t puked in three weeks (knock on whatever wood-like surface is in your vacinity) and last night enjoyed some brisket with friends.wp-1461003632026.jpg
  • Lookit all the gay families at my awesome church!wp-1461003640132.jpg
  • Also, can we talk about how cute it is when my partner and our son wear matching overalls?

Aw geez.

Oh, you guys. There’s a lot to say but I just feel so fucking exhausted by so much of it. Bullet points, ahoy.

  • The co-worker/supervisee being weird? Shit officially blew up and has become a thing. Its still in progress and feels slightly more hopeful than it did on Friday when I thought the only viable solution was for one of us to quit. A lot of it can boil down to this: I’m pretty action oriented. I have feelings, but mostly I acknowledge them and then want to move on and get shit done. My supervisee has feelings, and more feelings, and she wants the feelings talked about/acknowledged/felt before she can move on. So, we are at somewhat of an impasse but maybe not an irreconcilable one.
  • On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, BFF came over and did the deed. This time, it was my job to load the semen into a syringe and get it where it needs to go. This time, it was La’s job to feel awkward about having sperm inside her. Based on OPKs, she ovulated on Thursday (we are not yet undertaking the temperature tracking), so our timing was good. We expect her period around the 20th, so I guess we’ll see then if #2 is a one hit wonder. It’s strange and exciting and not quite as nerve wracking but still nerve wracking to be in this place – the maybe NGP. Not to mention, the idea of possibly having kids who are less than 2 years apart (side note: last night at family dinner there was judgement just being heaped all over the place about people having kids this close together, so that will be a super fun announcement, should it be made!)
  • Ansel started calling me Mama this weekend. Mostly it’s only in super needy/whiny ways, but it’s still pretty amazing. L is having feelings, which is not at all shocking. I think it’s this + his being hyper clingy to me that is making her feel a bit like chopped liver.
  • He’s covering pretty solid distances alone, without anything to brace him. Still not totally independent walking, but getting much closer.
  • He also did this today:

    Yes, he did push that barrel of monkeys (full of change) over from the door to the gate to try and climb over it. 


  • Our realtor came over last week and told us that we could easily list our house “slightly under market value” at $250K, and that buyer’s would likely drive the price up from there. We owe $140K on our mortgage. So, basically L getting that job in Olympia is sounding SUPER APPEALING (also see #1)
  • Tomorrow I get the MRI to assess the damage on my ankle. Two hours in a super loud metal barrel. Can’t wait.
  • I just heard about this on an episode of One Bad Mother and I think it’s something I need to make happen in my life.


uhhhh (2 things on a Wednesday evening)

You guys, YOU GUYS . . .

2 things:

  1. In addition to telling me about how ‘disconnected’ she thought I was, the lady I work with also questioned whether I was the best fit as her supervisor, mostly because a single grant pays for my salary (so I’m necessarily kind of focused on one project) and her role is really spread across the org. I told her I’d check in with our Executive Director (my supervisor) about it and get back to her. I did, and my supervisor said we should schedule a meeting to talk about it and also look at her job to see how it fits in the org in general. Today I sent her the meeting invite with brief explanation. A few minutes later I get an e-mail notification that she forwarded the invite to her husband and she raced past my office, audibly sobbing. What is going on??
  2. L sent me a picture of a almostpositive OPK, and since we are going DIY style, and she’s predictable, and the box of baby making supplies showed up on our doorstep today, we are gonna give gayby #2 the ol’ college try.


10 Things on a Monday Afternoon

I like this idea, so I’m brazenly stealing it from the Lady King.

  1. Ansel has a word. A real live, uses it all the time in context word. The word is “Dog” which is not at all surprising, since we have three of them, he grandparents have 2, and everyone else he knows has at least one. When he says it, it comes out a bit more like “Gog” but he’s definitely referring to a pet of the canine variety. (He also says “vrooms” and “eep eep” when driving the cozy coupe aka every waking minute of his life. I know animal sounds count, but do car sounds? Side note: we didn’t teach him those noises.)
  2. My ankle “resembles that of a 70 year old” according to my lovely orthopedic doctor. The x-rays he took show huge bone spurs (the entrapment of scar tissue between the spurs are what caused the horrific pain last week) and other damage. The MRI I am having next week will show him the extent of the ligament and cartilage damage that he will be fixing when I get surgery in the near future. Surgery that will require me to be non weight baring for 6 weeks. Because that + a newly walking toddler sounds like FUN!
  3. L is entering her fertile window this week. Expected O day is Thursday night, and she starts peeing on things tomorrow. It’s really awesome for the Type B person to be trying to get pregnant because it means the Type A can’t get overbearing. Or, at least, I can’t. I draw a firm line at anything that might resemble me trying to control my wife’s body, so I have to just bumble awkwardly along as her trusted ally and TTC expert. I am SUPER excited even though it would be total madness if she got knocked up this first try.
  4. Ls Gpa made it through surgery well. He’s had some issues with confusion and aggression coming out of the anesthesia, which has been tough. But, he’s starting to really, fully recover and should be out of ICU in the next day or so.
  5. Ansel had his 1 yr appointment this morning: SO many shots (mantra: this is better than measles, this is better than measles), had to have a venipuncture to check for anemia because he’s breastfed (is this common where you are) He’s 24 lbs and 30 1/4″ long and his head is 18″ around – 78th %ile all around, except for his head which continues to be somewhat wee in the 50th %ile. They think he’ll be 6’2″ when he grows up.
  6. We got a referral for an OT to do some feeding therapy with Ansel, because he keeps puking when he eats anything besides purees and smooth foods and the doc doesn’t think it’s a huge deal (he’s growing, he’s meeting all other developmental milestones) but she said it’s better to get an assessment and work it out now, rather than later.
  7. I’ve gotten super into my bullet journal, which is basically a system of organization that is flexible enough to work for almost everything but effective enough to keep me on track. Bonus is that is allows for integration of work + personal staff, and provides a creative outlet. I just ordered my first fountain pen because of this and I’m so excited.
  8. How do you handle when the person you supervise is so super sensitive that they ask you to chat about how “they sense that you are growing more distant from your job and that leaves them unsettled”? Because it just happened and I’m like, really? really?!
  9. I’ve been listening to a lot of the “One Bad Mother” podcast (5 stars, HIGHLY recommend) and it’s really shifted my internal monologue about a lot of things. For example, on Saturday night (still in Indy, sleeping in double bed with A in pack’n’play in the room) on L’s “turn” to settle A, she just put him in bed which then meant I had to be nursing him all night and he wanted to sleep on his tummy and couldn’t and it was a mess, and I felt this huge resentment building in my body . . .why did she do that?!? And then I talked myself down, reminding myself she was doing her best, this is hard, we are both doing the best we can. I still didn’t get sleep, but we didn’t get in a fight and that is a fucking win.
  10. Our old realtor is coming on Thursday to look at our house and give us an estimate for list price because we are proceeding as if success is inevitable and Olympia is our future home. At least, insofar as planning goes.