Beta #2 (or you can call it 4+7)

It’s in. And it’s good: 701!

I misheard the number on Monday – it was actually 158, not 198. In any case, the difference between the two makes my doubling time 33 hours, which Dr. Google says is good. So, I’m gonna trust Dr. Google on this one. (I usually do when it’s good news.)

So I am feeling much relieved. Will my anxiety reappear closer to the ultrasound (scheduled for 7+1, on 8/18) I hope not, but I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep, either.

This – my anxiety about things – is starting to show up in my relationship with La, which isn’t great. I mean, shit dudes, we have been having a hard enough go of things for the last two years trying to get pregnant, things should be awesome now that we ARE, right?

The problem is, I can’t quite let go of my nagging anxiety (though it ebbs and flows and today it has receded quite far back) and La is on the other end of the spectrum – with a baby registry started already.

Neither is bad, neither is good. They are just the experiences we are having. But its hard to feel connected and united when our feelings aren’t in alignment. (also, if you’ll recall, we are forced to be off the sex until that ultrasound says its all good – two and a half more weeks!) And I WANT to be excited, and I AM excited – it’s just tempered with enough fear to make the joy feel a little off putting to my boo. Which I get. But also, I am having a hard time fully changing my feelings, as they aren’t so easily controlled. 

That said, I felt confident enough to order (another) pregnancy journal – this one of the fill-in-the-blank variety instead of the gorgeous Nikki McClure artsy variety (I think I need both, but La might not concur) and am planning to stop by my favorite indie bookstore and purchase the Mayo clinic guide to pregnancy (as I’ve heard from many a reputable sources it’s better than What To Expect and also MORE BOOKS! ALL THE BOOKS!) And buying books about pregnancy instead of infertility is a sure sign I switched my research project brain over – a good indication I’m on board.

And I am – because Seafoam is growing like . . .an embryo! and I am feeling hella nauseated to prove it!

Beta Monday

I won’t leave you waiting in suspense any longer (and trust me when I am telling you that I am updating you as soon as possible after getting the call. Those a-holes left me hanging waaaay too long!)

Beta #1= 198

Doc likes to see it above 50 at this point (11dp5dt) so I feel pretty good about that number.

I should have felt down right sure about things after this happened last night:

 

 

But we all know there is no such thing as confidence in this game! And know that, as good as I feel right now, I won’t feel truly confident until Thursday. But, I do think I finally feel okay saying that I’m pregnant. 

In other news, the water heater/plumbing saga has, of course, grown. Last night during our second estimate, we discovered that the well guy (because apparently there are no plumbers in the area who will both do work on a well and a water heater) had screwed something up and the well was, literally, gushing water at the pump site – water which had then proceeded to pool in our crawl space. We turned the well pump off and were officially without ANY water.

We called the well plumber back, and he said he could come over. Of course, this meant forgoing our Indigo Girls tickets (luckily we found some friends who were willing to buy them, at least saving us from eating the cash we’d spent) and hanging out without a flushable toilet. But, the well guy came and fixed the problem and it didn’t cost us THAT much, in the grand scheme of plumbing.

This morning, the water heater dude came back (we went with estimate #2, which was barely less expensive but could be done quicker) and casually mentioned that he would also have to put a sump pump in, since our water heater is in the (dirt floored) crawl space and had no where to drain in an emergency (which prompted the initial problem) – which was going to set us back another chunk of change, but was required by code. I spent the morning working awkwardly from my bedroom with the dogs eagerly trying to go investigate. La got home a few hours ago and tagged me out.

Luckily, I was able to grab a shower at work (God bless our awkward basement office with three bathrooms to a staff of 7 and a shower that is mostly used as storage but is, in fact, still functional!) to get cleaned up before my big meeting (heading there in 15 minutes) so that at least my hair isn’t oily and disheveled, just wet and flat. 

To top things off, both La and I managed to pick up a pretty icky cold (I’m guessing from our little friend Liam) that includes sore throats, runny noses and plenty of sneezing. I’m being a total baby about it mostly because tylenol is my only available drug and it, frankly, sucks. Pregnancy friendly cures for a cold would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for cheering me on, friends. La has made me swear off the pee sticks, so the one above is your final glimpse into the madness.

 

 

This day

A few things happened:

Which is awesome.
And this:

Also super awesome!  Liam made it 365 days! 

But also hard things:
– Liam bit it on our concrete patio and got a bloody nose and fat lip and was inconsolable for hours.  Nothing like delivering your nephew to his first birthday party with a split lip.
– our water heater leaked and shorted and is dead.  The first estimate we got to replace it was $2200.  We have another plumber coming out tomorrow to give us another estimate.  It’s going to be expensive no matter what.  And until we get it fixed,  we have no hot water. First world  problems,  totally,  but problems still.
– I am gradually feeling crummier and weepier making it harder for me to handle all of this. 

So with that,  I am going to bed. 

The Entourage

Y’all do NOT like to be kept waiting! Apologies for the tardy update, I’ll try not to let it happen again!

 

La sent this picture, and I don’t have a comparison to yesterday’s, but in any case it is still looking good! With each subsequent test further away from the miniscule HCG shot and closer to the beta, I get a little more sure that I am pregnant. 

My heart catches when I even think that, it feels like bad juju, like tempting fate. I was always loathe to think that in past cycles, even when I felt like it could be true, even when my bright eyed optimist darling said it over and over again to live in the possible joy of it. 

But oh, it’s felt so so lovely to see the excitement from all of you! (pushy though you might be about the tests!) And yesterday my former boss-current -colleague cried when I told her the news (I only see her once a week and just couldn’t bear her not knowing, she has been such a champion for us – crying in shared grief at our struggle and hoping so hugely alongside us) And one of our besties started singing a song over the phone, and my office mate hugged me so big and told me she was so excited to see the adventure. (I swear it seems like we’ve told everyone but really we haven’t and honestly? These people have seen us through it all, how could we keep the joy from them?)

I am feeling  . . .gross, is the best way to describe it. Not usually a heartburn person, I am getting it daily. My poo super highway has slowed down – not out of the ordinary for me – and probably mostly thanks to the progesterone. I feel just general malaise . . .not really nauseated but kinda pukey, kind of headachey, kind of run down. Is it seafoam or too many nights of too much to do? Seafoam or lack of good quality sleep? Seafoam or the daily shot to the ass, courtesy of sweet La? 

A few more days until the beta (hopefully) confirms this strange thing. Until then, we have one more FRER (from the three pack) and a digital that I have been keeping under the sink since our first try in January 2013. We decided we’ll take Monday off from the peeing. 

By request

 

La saw your requests, and she wants them granted. So do I.

Ergo:

 

 

My phone is unable to focus on a pregnancy test for longer than a few seconds, and certainly not long enough for me to get a good picture. But, that’s a good line, right?

Your Daily Pee Stick Update: 7dp5dt

Still positive. 🙂

 Although not any darker. Still . . . I feel fairly certain the 20 units of HCG is gone gone gone, by literally any accounting (we are almost 80 hours past those 20 units, so whether that half life is 24 or 36 or somewhere in between, those false HCG levels are less than 5 by now) and also at the equivalent of 12 DPO (a highly legit day to get a ‘real’ positive) so I’m in the line is a line is a line camp.

Am I fooling myself? Is it time to bust out the FRER? 

From La

Someone on a blog I follow refers to their partner as TSP for “The Silent Partner” which is a pseudonym I highly respect and wish I had thought of first. Alas, I did not and La got stuck with a less than hilarious nom de blog. Sorry baby. 

For the majority of the blog journey, La’s involvement has been limited to asking me, semi-regularly, “what’s up with your blog friend’s these days?” And I’ll recount to her your victories, losses, hilarious stories. She doesn’t always know all of you as individuals the way I do, but she keeps up pretty well.

But she’s taken a more active interest lately, and has started following this blog more religiously (thank God I had the foresight not to talk any shit. Not that I had any shit to talk . . .) and is particularly interested in the comments from the peanut gallery on things such as the darkness of urine HPT lines . . .

I took this morning’s picture at approximately the 5 minute mark. However, La was quick to point out that it got darker. Which is, in fact true. She wanted me to note this. She wanted, also, for me to post a new picture. Since I left the tests at home, she obliged by sending me this:

Now, please note that ALL of the tests in this picture are dry, which means they are all technically ‘invalid’ since we a ‘reading’ them past the accurate time frame. But, I think La’s point is important – the test did get darker (within the read time) and continues to be darker now. 

At any rate, thanks for indulging my crazy. Some of you have wisely suggested we wait to take any additional tests. And that advice is sound. But I’m not taking it, because I am fully involved in this thing now and, well, I think I need to see it through. I recognize the insanity of what I am engaging with, and I’m doing so anyway. 

I do think that by any accounting, the booster shot should have been gone by this morning, and any positive is probably a good sign. Thanks for affirming that, and for being honest with me, y’all.

Hopefully I have won some points with my hot wife today. 

 

6dp5dt – shaky ground

I know you all have been waiting with baited breath for an update, so.  . .
Test is still positive but lighter. 

I’m having (predictably) a lot of feelings. I’m trying to logic my way through this.  . . That the 20 unit booster is likely to be gone from my system.  Right? So that would both explain the lighter color (no booster in that thar test) and affirm that seafoam is making hcg on its own.  Right?

Feel free to affirm this for me but only if you really think it’s legit.  No blowing sunshine up the ass ok? (You can also tell me you think I’m totally nuts)

5dp5dt

Ok, I did it. I peed on another stick. Here are some camera pictures for your assessment:

Comparison – yesterdays test on the left, today’s on the right. Keeping in mind the one on the left from 4dp5dt looks a little lighter after drying

Today’s by itself

And for comparison’s sake, yesterday’s by itself again: 

 

It looks darker today, right? It does to me.

When I saw it, my heart settled a bit into my chest. I still don’t feel like this is definitive proof that I am pregnant. I still don’t think this is a purely legitimate positive. But it seems like a good sign, right? Not having previously been a POASer (I generally took a single test somewhere between 12-14 DPO and saw nothing but white) I don’t have a lot of analysis about tests. 

So, right now, I feel a sense of calm. I also feel a weird sensation spreading through me, and it is “I could actually be pregnant. This could be real.” Its not something I’m used to – like many of us, I am so used to seeing empty windows on pregnancy tests that I couldn’t fathom any other reality. But I’m starting to believe this could be true. 

Willpower: Lost / Crazy: Achieved

You guys, this is BAD. I mean, really, really bad. Am I just so deeply out of practice that I have lost any and all ability to think about anything other than seafoam and my uterus (and what seafoam may or may not be doing in my uterus?) Gah! 

So, I took a test today (of course I did? Wait for the beta? ha!) which I knew was going to be skewed because of the HCG ‘booster’ I also took this morning (before the test.) Obviously, its positive. because I had an HCG booster this morning.

BUT . . .since I have now had many hours to think while sort of doing work, I have a theory to test out with all of you. Here it goes.

This morning, I injected myself with 20 units of HCG. The typical trigger is 10,000 units. That means I was exposed to .2% (assuming I did my math right, which isn’t necessarily a fair assumption) of the typical amount of HCG. In January, when I had a ‘trigger’ for my last IUI, I tested every other day and the trigger was gone by 6 days after injection – which is a bit sooner than what one might expect, based on the reported 23 hour half life of nova.rel.

I took the POAS addict’s cheap fix test, the Wal-Mart first signal, and got a clear and fairly dark positive right away. Based on what I can find on the internet, the test has a sensitivity between 25-50 miu. 

With a mere 20 units of nova.rel in my system, it seems like the positive would be fainter/wouldn’t show, although I do recognize that the booster is ‘boosting’ whatever HCG may (or may not) be in my system.

You guys, do you see how CRAZY I AM?! 

La happened to be at the walstore while I was explaining my theory to her and asked if I wanted to test every day. Yes, I said. Because I do. But also, I don’t. I can’t stop myself from feeling anxiety so does testing give me more or less control? Am I more or less able to be done with the obsession for a while when I have some landmark to go on?

Because seeing a positive test – even one that might be ‘false’ – feels really good. As good as seeing a potentially false negative one feels shitty. So today I want to keep testing, but will I feel the same if tomorrow there’s no second line?

Here’s a picture for all of you to peruse/help me obsess over:

 

 

 

Advice still solicited.