Well, here we are, at the cusp of another new year – another arbitrary but altogether humanly necessary marker of time. Whether its actually bullshit or not, the beginning of a new year holds potential and perspective and a lot of power. And while I think resolutions are mostly silly (though I do love a good S.M.A.R.T. goal) I’m willing to concede that the beginning of the year is an important time to reflect and refocus.
2013 was hard, y’all. And it was mostly hard because we didn’t get pregnant. Perhaps the biggest (but also least surprising) realization I had about this year was just how much of my time and energy was taken up by trying and failing to get pregnant. I feel like I should be embarassed by this, but I’m actually not. Its just a fact. The quest to have a child has informed the rest of my life deeply, and while there are ways that I want to shift this, I imagine it will remain true.
I went through my wordpress and thought about the things that really were significant – whether baby-making related or not. Here’s what I came up with:
- The Amazing 60 Day Cycle of 2013 (January-March)
- Colorado passed Civil Unions into law (March 12, 2013)
- We got baby chickens (and successfully raised them into egg-laying hens!)
- La and I were legally Civilly United (and it feels so good) on May 1, 2013 at 1:40am
- I went to Las Vegas and won $500
- I became a God Mama to two absurdly adorable babies
- La and I went on our honeymoon to Cancun, a year and a half late
- We found a really progressive and amazing OB/GYN
- We tried (and failed) to get pregnant at home 8 times using the modified Turkey Baster Method
- My beautiful nephew Liam was born!
- I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
- I met and hugged The Indigo Girls!
- Two of our very closest friends and our god babies moved to North Carolina (and took a piece of my heart with them)
- We tried (and failed) to get pregnant with IUI’s and clomid twice
- My precious curmudegonly bichon frise, Ed, went on to the great dogpark in the sky
- We made a plan to try and get pregnant through IVF
That’s a lot of stuff and – now that its written out – a lot of non-baby stuff. There are really wonderful things that this year taught and gave me – deeper connections with BFF and BFFBF, friend-family love with A+K, patience and perspective, the value of hope, a deep love for how supportive my work environment is. 2013 didn’t give me a baby (or even a fetus or fertilized egg) – and that sucks – but I am still grateful for the gifts I did get.
One of my friends has been naming whatever the newest year is the “year we get it right” since 2008. At first, it was ridiculous. But you know what? Hoping we will is a great and beautiful task – we might know it will never actually happen (what does getting it right even mean? it can mean so many many things) but the process is what’s so important anyway. I don’t know what will happen in 2014 – except that I will get some of it right, and some of it wrong.
On this, the second day of 2014, I continue to wait for my period. I went in on Monday for a blood draw and ultrasound (necessary hoops in order to receive a script for provera) and heard that the doctor thought I would likely bleed in the next week, but that they were happy to give me the provera as well. So, I started that a few days ago and am hoping that between the doctor’s thoughts and the provera, I will get my period sooner rather than later.
On Saturday, I went shopping and bought a ton of delicious food that all conforms with the nutritionist’s guidelines. On Sunday, I got violently ill with the stomach flu and spent two days in bed eating saltines and chicken broth. Yesterday, I woke up with swollen lymph nodes and cold symptoms. La spent the weekend in bed with a spasming neck and is now fighting the same cold as me. So, basically I’m living in a den of plague. But at least now I can keep down that delicious food I bought.
My mom also told me that my cousin and his wife were going to see a fertility specialist after a year of not conceiving. I knew they’d been trying (and had at least one miscarriage a year and a half ago) but was nervous to ask anything else. I sent them an e-mail telling them all about our last year. I’m hoping that we might be able to support them and maybe have some support in our family as well – although we don’t see them much. I should also confess that it makes me nervous. If they get pregnant before us I think I’ll probably have a breakdown and be really embaressed about it. So, that sounds like fun! But really, I hope we can connect and be supportive of each other in this process.
That’s about all. I’d like to say ‘good riddance’ to 2013, but the way I feel is so much more complex than that. So, I guess I’ll just say “Good Bye.” I won’t miss 2013, but I’m still glad it happened.