Light in the Midst of Darkness

I have been meaning to pay for a few days but have been waiting to access an electronic device with a keyboard.  It doesn’t look like that will happen anytime soon,  so I’ve resigned myself to updating on the phone.  Please excuse any auto correct mistakes. . . Although I’ll do my best to avoid them too.

I’m in Indiana with La and the family for the holidays.  This is my fourth year here and I’m starting to adapt my Christmas patterns to things here,  although I still deeply miss being with my family for the holiday.  We have made it through all the of the Christmas celebrations here and only have a few more days before we head home on Friday. 
I expected more drama and turmoil from this trip,  but aside from some awkwardness,  it hasn’t been so bad.  L’s shitty conservative brother has been mostly not an asshole and everyone else has been kind and loving.  I also made it a priority to get to a LGBT positive church last night instead of tagging along with to my sister in law’s mega church with “drive thru communion.”
The toughest part of last night was sitting next to L’s very pregnant cousin,  the same cousin who a year ago we talked about getting pregnant with.  She is due on January 14, and it’s pretty much the only thing people can talk about.  I had to take a little sobbing break in the guest bedroom for a few minutes but was able to recover pretty quickly.  I’m good with babies – they induce only a small amount of jealousy but also how can you Hayter on a baby?  – but giant pregnant bellies are a harder thing to get past. 

There are a lot of people popping up pregnant on and offline and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was a bitter pill to swallow.  Of course there is happiness and genuine celebration for them,  and they’re is also a very deep sadness for me and L. I wish this process made sense and played by rules.  But it doesn’t.  There’s no deserving or logic or reason.  And that just fucking sucks.

Before we left last Friday I had a call with the nutritionist I was referred to by the RE. I’m so glad we did our appointment over the phone as it really took away a lot of my self consciousness and allowed me to hear the information as something to learn rather than an indictment against me as a person or body.  Her recommendations are going to be a big shift,  but she is also super open to things changing slowly and working toward a goal.  I made it clear that improving my health and managing my PCOS were my goals,  NOT losing weight,  and she was totally willing to work with that and take that into consideration when talking to me about changing.  Of course,  no changes will be implemented this week since it is xmas and I am in the land of casseroles and I don’t really very to make too many decisions about what/where I’m eating – although I’ve certainly tried to do some harm reduction where possible.
I’m waiting on my period to start . . . I stopped taking my BBT and haven’t been tracking anything else with enough regularity for it to be reliable.  According to my “typical” cycle of 32 days,  me period is due tomorrow,  but that means almost nothing anymore.  If it hasn’t shown by Saturday,  I’ll call for a provera prescription and get this show on the road. 

Standing still had not been easy. Hope is definitely on the horizon but it doesn’t make it any easier to wait in the darkness.  Still,  I know the days start to get longer from here on out and there is possibility around the corner for us.  These last few days of waiting have been pretty grueling though,  so I’ll taking whatever Wishing and woo you have to get my uterus to get going.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas,  if you celebrate,  and that the light in the midst of darkness is rising on your horizon,  too.